Master Debating
I spent the majority of the weekend immediately past on Long Island, with a unexpected & most unwelcome stay in Milwaukee, Wisconsin tacked onto the end. After the horror of Hart House, there were not intended to be any more debate team travel until February, but those plans were changed by a brainwave that came to The M.A.P., our coach. Too Sly, my partner, & I had been partnered (sundering my previous debate partnership with The Most Dangerous Game) by The M.A.P. specifically because we are the two most talented master debaters on our squad. Having demonstrated some degree of talent not just in practice but also in anger at Claremont (Wayback Machine [scroll down, jolly hyperlinkers]) & Hart House, The M.A.P. reasoned that we were worth his while; so, he'd coach us up as best he could, demanding certain performance goals from us instead of just acting as a cheerleader to keep us on the team. Thus, instead of meeting each week for a rather dismal practice round (no offense is intended to the others, but my partner & I don't derive much benefit from shellacking them week after week), we'd meet in what we quickly dubbed "salon" for more in depth indoctrination in philosophy & argumentative theory. The second part of this plan was to travel with a smaller squad to more frequent tournaments. This weekend's foray into the inaugural Adelphi University Brown & Gold Debates was the first competition under the new strategy.

The big news out of Adelphi is that Too Sly & your humble narrator "broke," meaning we advanced out of the preliminary rounds into the elimination or "out" rounds (the playoffs), for the first time! At Denver (last spring), Claremont, & Hart House, no U of M-Flint team had broken. However brief that history may be, we made program history! Adelphi was a smaller tournament that the other three we'd attended, but there were still plenty of heavy-hitters from Portland State (Oregon), St. John's (N.Y.C.), & Seattle (no specification needed, right?) in attendance. Of the twenty-four two-man squads in competition, eight broke into the semifinals. After what Too Sly & I thought was an unfair 3 in the last preliminary round on Saturday (there was one more prelim. round on Sunday), we did not think much of our chances of breaking; but, we were determined to do our best in Sunday morning's lone prelim. round, however forlorn the cause. We earned the 2, & were apparently in contention for the 1. Neat! When the break was announced, we were solidly in fifth place; we'd thought we might just squeak in as the eighth seed. I love it when I'm wrong.

To be continued…

The Horror of Hart House
Alas, I might never get to a proper recounting of the horror of Hart House. I hope that some succor might be taken from this excerpt of an email written to Comrade Coquettish shortly before her team departed for a tournament at the University of British Columbia.

I first caution that we were at Hart House at the University of Toronto, in the heart of Canada's population centers; British Columbia is quite a ways from the shores of Lake Ontario & attitudes & customs in the Canadian west might be very different from those in the Canadian east. That said, were we doomed from the word go because of two interrelated factors: {a} We were Americans & {b} We were outsiders to the clubby & cloistered Canadian debate culture. Perhaps 2/3 of the teams were from Canadian universities, with 1/3 from American colleges, yet only one American team broke from quarterfinals into semifinals, compared to seven Canadian teams. I am by no means saying that as Americans we had a right to advance, but the prevailing impression left by the Canadian judges was that as Americans we had no right to advance. American teams that we saw excel at both Denver (Nationals) & Claremont could get no traction at Hart House; so, at minimum the Canadians judge rounds based on considerably different criteria than are used in the States. Though you attend an American school, my hope for you is that because neither you nor your partner are American the location of Willamette will not be held against you.

In the first three rounds (with open adjudication), my partner & I earned three consecutive 3's. None of the judges were able to articulate why we'd gotten the 3, they just felt that the Canadian teams with whom they were on a first-name basis deserved the 2's & 1's. I know that my partner & I still have a lot to learn about Oxford-style debate, & Hart House was only our third tournament, but across all five rounds at Hart House the adjudicating process was vastly different than what what we saw in six rounds at Nationals & in eight rounds at Claremont (only a fortnight before Hart House). The two 4's that my partner & I received at Claremont were two of the most instructional rounds we've seen; both times, the chair clearly illuminated our faults, spelled out our shortcomings, & gave us a roadmap to future improvement. I put forth a mighty effort to discern by what criteria we were judged at Hart House, but I came away absolutely clueless. Our trip to Toronto had no pedagogical value, and that's just sad. (We do not know the results of the last two rounds, which featured closed adjudication so that breaks would be a "surprise." Almost two weeks later, the ranks from the last are still not available.)

Of the three elements that are supposed to matter in Oxford-style/Worlds debate—matter, manner, & role fulfillment—the Canadians don't care a whit about role fulfillment. Whips gave Member speeches, Member speeches were 100% rebuttal & contained no new matter, P.M.s weren't punished for leaving behind them a muddle in which no one knew what precisely was being debated, it was bedlam. Manner was also of no importance, and having an organization to your speech was viewed with some scorn & venom. All that was left was matter, but even then it did not seem as if there was any concern over how well analyzed or supported an argument was, all that mattered was whether the judge personally agreed with it. I am the first to admit when I have fouled up in a round, & to admit that I still have lots to learn about what judges are looking for, but I have absolutely no clue what my partner & I could have done differently to produce different scores. My question is why we were even invited if we weren't to be afforded a fighting chance?

I sincerely hope that your experience in British Columbia is nothing like my experience in Ontario. You have my apologies for the bitter tone of this email, but I could not in good conscience have presented the whitewashed version of events. Best wishes.

Never again will I look upon the Canadas as "the Great White North," a land of boundless cheer & friendliness. I now know better. The Canadian soul is dark & hostile &, above all else, petty. The Canadas are an awful, cursed place, a place I despise & to which I sincerely hope never to return.

The Rebel Black Dot Songs of the Day
Wally Dogger, "Never Let the Good Times End" from I Surrender, When Do I Start? (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: A guide to the proper use of irony.

Montag, 22 November
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Trapped in the Drive-Thru" from Straight Outta Lynwood (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: I was not trapped in the drive-thru line, but I was trapped at the Milwaukee airport & going nowhere fast.

Sonntag, 21 November
Fountains of Wayne, "No Better Place" from Welcome Interstate Managers (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: I had the supreme pleasure of seeing Mrs. & Mr. Skeeter, Esqs. on Sunday evening, & I thought they'd appreciate the condemnation of my failure thus far to relocate to the Big Apple that can be inferred from these lines:

"And now you're leaving New York
For no better place."

Samstag, 20 November
Vampire Weekend, "Walcott" from Vampire Weekend (T.L.A.M.)

Freitag, 19 November
Reel Big Fish, "New York, New York" from Cheer Up! (T.L.A.M.)