I've decided that possibly my favorite thing in the whole world is the Donald Rumsfeld WAR MACHINE, formerly known as the Department of Defense. What more can you ask for in a WAR MACHINE than Rummy? He's perfect. And by that I mean absolutely horrifying. He scares the bejeezus out of Americans, so just think how mind-numbingly terrifying he must be to our enemies. The man's an utterly conscienceless killer. Just point the Donald Rumsfeld WAR MACHINE at what you want killed and he'll neutralize it as secretly and ruthlessly as possible. Also, we should revive the concept of war bonds. What better investment opportunity is there in these troubled times that the Donald Rumsfeld WAR MACHINE? The value of each bond actually goes up with increaced uncertainty!

Also in that vein, I'm going to start marketing a line of WWRD? bracelets, bumper stickers, and other merchandise. WWRD?: What Would Rummy Do? (Hint: the answer is always evade the question by charming the press with your unsinkable ego and razor-sharp wit.)

I've decided that since I don't have the first clue how to go about giving up on Lindsay, I'm not going to try. If one day I realize I'm no longer in love with her, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. But until then, winning her is my aim and being her best friend is my sorrow. However, I think it's important for her for me to be looking for someone else. I'm not looking for love, just someone with whom to share my loneliness. What I need right now is a frivolous infatuation. Any takers?

And by the way, you're all skankoids.