Operation AXIOM: April Fools' Day After Action Report
April Fool's Day 2012 was a banner year for my online pranks. Here at The Secret Base, "The Explorers' Club" highlighted Bigfoot (a fine subject as a pop-cultural phenomenon), & implied that I might consider the "sasquatch" anything other than hokum—April fools! The Guy left a comment, joining in on the joke. "This week in Motorsport" purported that I'd "seen the light" & now liked N.A.S.C.A.R.—April fools! I disdain N.A.S.C.A.R. utterly, memorably describing it as, "A watered-down demolition derby for those who are too timid to admit they like crashes more than they like races." I fell victim to a prank by Google, when I believed their false story about agreeing to race a self-driven robot car in N.A.S.C.A.R. Good prank, you villains!

"Vote for Kodos" became "Vote for Kodos? Maybe Vote for Kang," & claimed that I'd changed my mind about Obamacare after seeing a television appearance by Marxist & 9/11 "Truther" Van Jones, formerly a close adviser to President Obama. This to my way of thinking was the most easily detected prank. What are the odds, honestly, that I've not thought long & hard about Obamacare, both as a constitutional matter & as a simple piece of policy, divorced of any constitutional implications? My political opinions are not arrived at lightly, nor do I allow them to sit on the self without regular reexamination. Even were I to experience a change of mind regarding Mr. Obama's signature legislative achievement, would that change really take place as a result of the claims & analysis of a 9/11 Truther? The "9/11 Truth" movement has all the credibility & ethical currency of Holocaust denial; the scandal is that the president was so willing to take policy advice from a man who believes the United States government perpetrated the 9/11 attacks as a pretext to launch the War on Terror. Daddy Dylweed fell for "Vote for Kodos? Maybe Vote for Kang" hook, line, & sinker, even requesting access to the information that had changed my mind. Upon learning of the prank he lamented, "That's what I get for skimming when I'm behind in my RSS reader." I've never been entirely certain what R.S.S. is, but now I know that I am implacably opposed to the accursed thing. I know I often don't succeed, dear readers, but The Secret Base is meant to be an entertainment, a diversion to be enjoyed at length & at your leisure, not something to be scanned in seconds like the latest sports scores.

The April Fools' Day fun continued over on the FaceSpace. I replaced my bewhiskered profile photograph with an archival shot of my mug, cleanshaven in the immediate aftermath of the Magnificent Moustache Malarkey, accompanied by a claim that I'd rid myself of my "juvenile... 19th century" facial hair—April fools! Distaff reaction was swift & horrified; the fellows seemed a little more suspicious that the whole thing might be an April Fools' prank. Mrs. Skeeter, Esq. took the opportunity to pour venom on my whiskers, though it was uncertain if she detected the ruse. Hotburger, the newest member of the master debaters, commented on the cleanshaven mugshot itself, & didn't seem aware of Monday's revelation of the hoax, believing I'd shaved at least as late as Tuesday.

The most thoroughly bamboozled victim was my mother. We went to eleven o'clock Mass together, & she knew I still had my whiskers. But after that I went upstairs for a couple hours, & did not come down 'til I was prepared to leave, to move some heavy furniture into The Interpreter's new apartment. I said "Good-bye" to my mother as I headed out the door. When I returned home, my mom looked at me as if I had two heads. She had cruised the FaceSpace whilst I was out, & had seen my prank profile photo & bought the deception. She believed the (unbeknownst to her) falsified FaceSpace evidence despite having seen me still bearded with her own eyes! She explained that she'd thought I was still bewhiskered when I left for The Interpreter's, but that she hadn't taken a very close look (she'd been seated at far end of a long room); so, once she saw the FaceSpace photo she assumed she'd been mistaken, that I was cleanshaven when I left the house, & that she hadn't noticed because she hadn't paid close attention. She was delightfully embarrassed that she'd believed a FaceSpace photograph over the evidence of her own two eyes. Hee hee!

I hope there are no hard feelings over this year's pranks, they were intended to be harmless amusements. I doubt anyone will again believe that I've shaved off my whiskers; I'll have to think long & hard to come up with next year's April Fools' Day tomfoolery.

Project GLOWWORM
The booty from last Friday's victory at History Quiz Night included a gift certificate to the hosting public house, the Firkin & Fox, which proudly serves "traditional pub fare." I decided to partake of a hard-won victory lunch this afternoon. Upon my arrival, two punks—replete with low-rising Mohawks, stretched earlobes, tattoos, & strategically-tattered clothing—were immediately taken with my moustache, complimenting me boisterously & inviting me to join them for a beer. I held up An Object of Beauty & declined their invitation, thanking them but explaining that I had my heart set on reading. They played pool whilst I ate & read. As I was departing, & thank them again for their hospitality & thanked them also for their good-natured acceptance of my desire to eschew their company for my book, at which some persons would take umbrage. They waved off this last bit & again complimented my moustache, positing that it must afford me the opportunity to—pray pardon the lewdness—perform cunnilingus on multitudes of the distaff persuasion. While appalled by their bawdiness, I am pleased by any interpretation of my whiskers as a signal of virility & sexual prowess (however misleading).

The Queue
The least endearing facet of An Object of Beauty is its adherence to the vexing modern fashion of being divided into a great many chapters of extremely short length. Many "chapters" are composed of but a single page; as many again are only two pages. An Object of Beauty is just short of being three hundred pages long & is divided into sixty-eight chapters, leading to an average chapter length of 4.3 pages. Vexing!

The Rebel Black Dot Song of the Day: SKApril
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "Katie" from Medium Rare (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: "Katie" is not a particularly complimentary song, so I wish to make clear that it has chosen in reference to neither longstanding friend-of-the-blog & R.B.D.S.O.T.D. nominator The Watergirl nor new-on-the-scene girl The Interpreter, whom I appear to have taken on as a paramour.