Superman Returns
The teaser trailer for Superman Returns is available online and, from what I have read, it is also running before the new Harry Potter movie; so, every kid in America is going to see it. I have see four movies directed by Bryan Singer - The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil, X-Men, and X2 - and greatly enjoyed each one. As recently discussed on this blog, I love me some Superman. Despite these two facts, I am not at all excited about Superman Returns. I have tried, but have found that I am incapable of making myself look forward to its theatrical debut. You guys know me, I love looking forward to these things almost as much as I enjoy their arrival. As soon as I heard that Christian Bale had been cast as Bruce Wayne, I knew Batman Begins was going to kick ass. (And boy howdy, did it ever.) When I first heard that Bryan Singer had abandoned X-Men 3 in order to direct the new Superman movie, I tingled with excitement. Bryan Singer's Superman couldn't help but be amazing, right?

Right? Now, I'm not so sure. I have no problem with this kid Brandon Routh who is playing Clark Kent/Superman. He's an unknown, which I think it the right way to go with Superman (it worked with both Christopher Reeve and Dean Cain), and Routh really, really looks like Clark Kent. No problem there. And I can buy Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. Spacey can play an inhuman monster when he wants to; so, the ghosts of Gene Hackman's hackery should be exorcised. Superman? Check. Luthor? Check.

So, what's bothering me? Three things, two of them having to do with Lois Lane. One, Kate Bosworth. Jumpin' Jack Pratt riding a hilariously tiny unicycle, Kate Bosworth? WHAT ON BOG'S GREEN EARTH ARE THOSE IDIOTS THINKING? Are they high? Is that it, is Bryan Singer a coke fiend like Aaron Sorkin? There is not a worse choice on either Earth or the doomed planet Krypton to play Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth. First of all, she doesn't really have a face, just two swollen cheeks and painted on eyebrows. Secondly, while Lois Lane is a brilliant reporter, Kate Bosworth gives the impression of having received an early childhood labotomy. (An actor's actual intelligence doesn't matter, only their ability to seem intelligent, an ability she lacks in spades.) Third, there is no third. What the hell were they thinking?! I knew Christian Bale was going to be a perfect Batman as soon as he was cast; similarly, I know in my bones that Kate Bosworth is going to be a colossally horrible Lois Lane.

The second thing about Lois Lane is that in the movie, she has a kid. I want to have faith in Bryan Singer, but between the casting of Bosworth and the reimaging of Lois Lane as a single mother, I have to conclude that he and his confederates have no idea who Lois Lane is supposed to be. Lois Lane has been a symbol of smart, capable working women for sixty-seven years; you can't just fundamentally alter her willy-nilly. And if Singer and his crew don't understand Lois Lane, who's to say they understand Clark Kent or Jimmy Olsen or The Daily-fucking-Planet?

My third problem with Superman Returns is the presence of Marlon Brando's narration as Jor-El, Superman's biological father. There are not words in the English language to describe how terrible Richard Donner's Superman was. That Singer has chosen to pay tribute to that horror... now it makes a good deal of sense to me why I am not at all excited about Superman Returns.

Superman deserves a grand movie adaptation, a spectacle for the ages, not whatever the hell Superman Returns is going to be. And just so you know, nothing would make me happier than to be completely wrong about all this. Please, Rao, let me be wrong.