The Victors: Project OSPREY
Saturday, 3 December
(№ 14) Michigan 76-66 Iowa State
6-2, Big Ten 0-0

Project OSPREY '11-'12 got off to a bad start when I missed the valiant Wolverines' season opener against the Ferris State Bulldogs out of sheer forgetfulness. Between the disruption of being in the hateful Canadas the weekend before Thanksgiving & then the run-up to the holiday itself, I also missed the Maui Invitational, which saw the valiant Wolverines defeat the Memphis Tigers (73-61) & U.C.L.A. Bruins (79-63) & fall to the Duke Blue Devils (82-75). I missed the A.C.C./Big Ten Challenge, which saw the valiant Wolverines fall to the Virginia Cavaliers (70-58), because I always miss the A.C.C./Big Ten Challenge. I finally got into the swing of things with the game against Iowa State, after which the valiant Wolverines would not play again for a solid week. I've no one but myself to blame for not taking proper advantage of the earlier opportunities.

I was well-pleased with the discipline—both offensive & defensive—with which the valiant Wolverines built a twenty-two point lead in the second half against the epithetless Cyclones, but then shook a proverbial fist at the sky in frustration when lax defense & countless turnovers saw that lead shrink to as few as six. I must remind myself that overall the valiant Wolverines are a fairly young team, & that experience (some of it bitter) will teach them the importance of playing hard for all forty minutes. All in all, good show, lads!

'11-'12 was going to be a massive year for the valiant Wolverines, 'til Darius Morris, the guard who anchored & coordinated the entire offense, left Ann Arbor to try his luck & make his fortune as a professional. As things stand post-Morris, the valiant Wolverines should still be a solid, sometimes spectacular team, lead by senior & three-time captain Zack Novak, he of "aneurysm of leadership" fame who was aptly described by one of the television commentators as the very definition of "scrappy," & sophomore Tim Hardaway, Jr., the Maize & Blue's leading scorer. Michigan has fallen to № 20 in the polls, after a 1-1 week. Early days yet, but all the elements are in place for the valiant Wolverines to enjoy great success, though there is always more work to be done to sure up the defense. I do so love life in the John Beilein era.

Go Blue!

The Victors
As excited as I am about the valiant Wolverines' berth in the Sugar Bowl, I am not going to hop on the "Geaux Blue!" bandwagon. Yes, the Sugar Bowl is in New Orleans & in French the letters "eaux" can make the same sound as "o" does in English. Yes, I get it. Getting it doesn't make it any less lame. (Because my hypocrisy knows no bounds, I do still want to name a cat Phydeaux, pronounced "Fido.")

Go Blue!

Project GLOWWORM
I trimmed my beard on Friday last, noted in my calendar by a single word, "bonsai," getting fully back on schedule for the first time in months. I stuck to the schedule even though a faction of my mind argued that my beard wasn't long enough to necessitate trimming, & I stuck to the prescribed length (level nine) instead of the shorter, reactionary length that I always regret (level seven). The bonsai regimen was established after careful consideration & experimentation, yet more often than not I deviate in some element. Methinks this is because trimming my beard is essentially less satisfying than cutting my hair, leaving room for some misguided faction of my mind to militate for some harebrained, on-the-fly modification. The system works, Mike, stick to the system.

In other personal grooming news, I began last week to shave my cheeks thrice a week instead of twice a week & it has made a world of difference. The sparse hairs on my cheeks, the sparseness of which is why I have to bother to shave my cheeks in the first place, are the enemies of the flying handlebars of my moustache. By shaving them more often, they seem to be growing back more slowly than before. I've no theory as to why that might be, but am more than satisfied with the results. I've also begun to use a dab of Kiehl's after each shaving, & am now entirely befuddled as to why I have not been doing so all along. Such foolishness! Life with whiskers is a continual process of discovery.

Vote for Kodos
I've formulated a wild theory that is plainly ridiculous, but for which the logic is too solid to dismiss easily. Here goes: Newt Gingrich is either a plant or a dupe, in either event an agent of the Democratic party. Speaker Gingrich was instrumental in getting President Clinton reelected in 1996; between leading the newly-minted Republican Congressional majorities into legislative overreach & being so easily & effectively caricatured into a heartless bogeyman, Gingrich was the perfect foil for "Slick Willy." That alone reveals nothing, certainly nothing of a conspiratorial bent, but consider recent events. Gingrich has tapped into the "anybody but Romney" madness that afflicts too many respondents to opinion polls of likely Republican voters, leading the polls in Iowa, a seemingly medieval place. The Democrats are salivating for the chance to run against Gingrich because the man is an undisciplined blowhard, a smug, infantile, corrupt megalomaniac; former Speaker Gingrich has about as much chance of winning a national general election as does Representative Paul with his soft anarchism. If Gingrich can manage to keep his lunacy under wraps for another few weeks, he might be able to edge out Governor Romney & make a dash for the Republican presidential nomination, all but guaranteeing President Obama's re-election.

So what do we have? We have Newt Gingrich being instrumental to the re-election of President Clinton in 1996 & we have Newt Gingrich doing his damnedest to re-elect President Obama in 2012. But that's just two incidents, & the immortal words of Ian Fleming demonstrate that we need three to be sure: "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."* What's the third time, the missing piece of the puzzle that condemns the Gingrinch? The answer: 2008. Why didn't Newt Gingrich run for president in 2008? Speaker Gingrich could not have been a viable candidate for president in 2000 because he has too recently resigned from the House of Representatives in disgrace; he could not run in 2004 because there was a sitting Republican president seeking re-election. But what exactly stopped Gingrich from running in 2008? What was different between 2008 & 2012? In 2008, the economy, both domestic & global, was rapidly heading into recessional gloom; in 2012, the economy, both domestic & global, will still be mired in barely post-recessional gloom. In 2008, the Islamic Republic of Iran was pursuing the atomic bomb; in 2012, the Islamic Republic of Iran will be even closer to acquiring the atomic bomb. In 2008, Gingrich was a twice-divorced sleazebag who had been sanctioned by the House of Representatives for ethics violations; in 2012, Gingrich will still be a twice-divorced sleazebag who has been sanctioned by the House of Representatives for ethics violations. The only meaningful difference is that in 2008 there was no sitting Democratic president for a Gingrich campaign to aid.

"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."

I freely admit that this theory, to which even its author fails to subscribe, is beyond outlandish, more than fanciful. I have a fertile imagination, but I do not believe in conspiracy theories, because the real world is too messy a place for the neat stratagems of the silver screen's sinister masterminds not to be unraveled, exposed, & undermined. It would be an act of unimaginably, unfeasibly sophisticated plotting for the whole weird arc of Gingrich's career to have been in service of the very principals against which he was railed & legislated; Gingrich cannot be a plant. Yet the individual pieces still stand. Clinton could not have been re-elected without Gingrich. Obama's best chance of re-election is Gingrich. Where was Gingrich in '08? Gingrich might well be a Democratic dupe, an accidental Manchurian candidate. Please tell me that somebody out there can poke holes in this ridiculous piece of farcical supposition.

The Rebel Black Dot Christmas Song of the Day
Mu330, "Everyday Christmas" from Winter Wonderland! (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: It's beginning to look a lot like an Mu330 New Year.

*As a side note, I will never forgive Fleming for writing "the third time" instead of "thrice."