Drink! | Project MERCATOR

As Saint Augustine is along the several saints whose patronage includes brewers, today seems an auspicious day for a long overdue reflection upon etiquette & this summer's gatherings. All throughout this summer I've been bringing Red Stripe with me to social gathers, & all summer it has been unwelcome. The first instance was Red Patton's bachelor party, held two months before his impending nuptials. I brought a half dozen chilled bottle of Red Stripe as a gesture of good will, but not long after my arrival Super Mario asked me in a plaintive tone, "Why did you bring Red Stripe?" It had completely slipped my mind that there was going to be a keg at the party. A keg is not just a privilege (plentiful beer!), it is also a responsibility (the blasted thing has to be emptied lest both beer & money be wasted). I had not meant to compound Super Mario's worries about drinking dry the keg, I'd only meant to be a courteous guest.

Not much later, there was a pool party for the men of the Christ Renews His Parish retreat groups from both Holy Redeemer (Burton) & Holy Family (Grand Blanc); the men of Holy Family helped to bring C.R.H.P. to Holy Redeemer, Holy Redeemer's pastoral vicar used to be stationed at Holy Family, & there are a great many other links between the parishes, given their close proximity. I brought the same half dozen chilled bottles of Red Stripe that hadn't been touched at Red Patton's bachelor party; after hearing Super Mario's pathetic (in the true sense of the word) plea, I'd consented to drink the keg swill. What I'd overlooked was that the pool party was designed not just for merriment & fellowship, but to help get rid of the surplus of beer from one or another social function at Holy Redeemer. I'd not meant to thwart my C.R.H.P. brothers' purpose in getting rid of their excess of beet, I'd only meant to be a courteous guest.



Several weeks ago, at the Ace's bachelor party at Cedar Point, I was asked ahead of time what manner of beer I'd like to have on hand. I replied that Red Stripe is my summer beer, & volunteered to bring some. In this case my mistake was in underestimating the kind of drinking we'd be doing. My fellows arrived on Thursday, though I could not join them 'til Friday. On Thursday night, they'd already gone through an entire case of beer & more. When we drank, we drank with abandon, requiring beer runs on both Friday & Saturday, even after Thursday's run. We played two aggressive drinking games with which I was not familiar, the tamer of the two called "Circle of Death." The Ace's brother, the Big Ace, could scarcely believe that we were playing Circle of Death, apparently a very fierce drinking game, as a way to slow down from the other game, "Red/Black-High/Low-Inside/Outside-Suits," for which we never devised a less cumbersome name. I have never had so much beer so quickly in all my life, not even back in Ann Arbor at 1213, where we threw several barn-burner parties. Red Stripe, being a beer I enjoy was entirely unsuited to the task. What this kind of drinking required was light, crummy beer & light-crummy beer we had by the gallon. One needed two beers at the ready just to start Red/Black-High/Low-Inside/Outside-Suits, & more would be needed before a round was finished. We drank at a punishing pace. We drank at a pace that would have been punishing on twenty-one-year-old undergrads, much less the thirty-something old men we'd become. We drank so much that we weren't even enjoying it anymore, & yet then we drank some more. We drank & we drank & we drank. I've hardly had a drink since.

This evening, there is another C.R.H.P. party, both for fellowship & because there is still surplus beer to be disposed of in the only satisfactory manner. No use in lollygagging, there's work to be done, lads. Down the hatch!