The Victors

Maryland 23-16 Michigan
5-6, B1G 3-4

Ah, the agony of defeat. One would think that after the horror show of the last seven years I'd be used to it, but each time it stings anew. There is no way that the valiant Wolverines will prevail over the hated Buckeyes in next week's rivalry game, so we will finish the season with a losing record (our third losing season in the last seven years); ineligible for a bowl game; having lost to both Rutgers & Maryland, upstarts whom I've long said that no right to join the Big Ten; & without even the Little Brown Jug to show for our efforts. Attentive readers know what comes next:

Brady Hoke must be fired.

I had the opportunity to go to the Maryland game. Late on Friday, Red Patton contact me with an offer of free tickets. He was unsure if he would be able to attend. Around 10:00 P.M., he finally confirmed that he would not be going, but stated I was free to use the tickets. I texted those I thought might be interested & even posted an open invitation on the FaceSpace. There were no takers. Hardly surprising, given the eleventh-hour nature of the invitation. I'm not sorry that I did not go, I really did not want to go alone. But given my fervent hope that this is the last game Hoke the Joke will ever coach in Michigan Stadium, it would have been nice to go once & boo him in person. There's no way Hoke can survive this, is there? I live in dread that somehow he will be allowed back for a fifth year, that a losing season; losses to B1G rookies Maryland & Rutgers; & losses to Notre Dame, Michigan State, & Ohio State won't be enough to end his reign of ineptitude. I'm willing to pay the agony of defeat as the admission price to the thrill of victory, but this price-gouging has to stop.

It is a disgrace that Devin Gardner wears № 98. It is a disgrace that Devin Funchess wears № 1.

Brady Hoke must be fired.

Saturday, 15 November 2014
bye
5-5, B1G 3-3

A bye week is the only time the valiant Wolverines under Brady Hoke are assured not to lose.

Brady Hoke must be fired.

Northwestern 43-40 Notre Dame (№ 18) (O.T.)

There are a variety of reasons why the vile Fighting Irish lost to the plucky Wildcats, one of which is the sin of pride. Late in the game, Notre Dame went for two after a touchdown instead of kicking the extra point. Making the two-point conversion would have increased Notre Dame's lead to thirteen points; kicking the extra point, twelve pints; & missing the two-point conversion, eleven points. Northwestern then went on to score a touchdown, a two-point conversion, & a field goal: eleven points. What is the practical use of being up by thirteen points instead of twelve points? None. Both are three-score leads. There is no way to accumulate twelve points through two scores, any more than there is a way to score thirteen points, but as the plucky Wildcats demonstrated there is a way to score eleven points through two scores. The vile Fighting Irish seemed shell-shocked to find themselves in overtime time, & failed to score. The plucky Wildcats kicked a field goal & carried the day. Sweet, sweet Schadenfreude!

Saturday, 8 November 2014
Michigan 10-9 Northwestern
5-5, B1G 3-3

This debacle was pretty emblematic of the Brady Hoke era, with the valiant Wolverines struggling against the woeful plucky Wildcats & snatching victory from the jaws of defeat only because the plucky Wildcats' head coach, Pat Fitzgerald, is more bull-headed than he is egg-headed. Sure, there was no guarantee that Northwestern's point-after try would have been successful, thus tying the game & carrying on into overtime (that's why it's called a "try"), but the odds were much higher for a successful placekick than for a successful two-point conversion. That Northwestern's quarterback lost his footing & fell down untouched by a Michigan player was poetic, a perfect reminder of the perils of chancing everything on a single play.

Brady Hoke must be fired.

(№ 14) Ohio State 49-37 Michigan State (№ 8)

I was pleased by the hated Buckeyes' victory over the dastardly Spartans because the illiterate creeps in green & white had become insufferably smug. A decade ago, all they wanted to talk about was their basketball club, but now that the valiant Wolverines are their equal on the hard court all they want to talk about is the gridiron. I laughed & laughed & laughed as those couch-burning Philistines were cut down to size.

For one night only, the enemy of my enemy was my friend. Go Blue! Beat Ohio!

Saturday, 1 November 2014—Homecoming
Michigan 34-10 Indiana
4-5, B1G 2-3

The best thing to come out of Homecoming weekend was the resignation of the devil Dave Brandon, that latter-day Nero, the University of Michigan's fratricidal former Athletic Director, who waged a merciless war to alienate the alumni base & empty Michigan Stadium. "Ding-dong, the witch is dead!"

Could the valiant Wolverines have defeated the wily Hoosiers had Indiana's star quarterback not been lost for the season to injury? Probably not, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Every club should win their Homecoming game.

Brady Hoke must be fired.

Saturday, 25 October 2014
(№ 8) Michigan State 35-11 Michigan
3-5, B1G 1-3

I didn't watch any of the Wolverine State's annual internecine brawl as I was on retreat that weekend. I stopped by the church office on Monday & as I was wearing a maize Michigan ball cap, the ladies offered me their condolences. I shrugged & said it was much like a long-expected death in the family: It hurts, but you knew it was going to happen & on some level are relieved that it finally happened—at least now it's over. This analogy was greeted favorably.

Brady Hoke must be fired.

Project OSPREY
Thursday, 20 November 2014
(№ 24) Michigan 71-62 Detroit Mercy
3-0, B1G 0-0

I didn't have the chance to watch the valiant Wolverines' victory over the epithetless Titans of U.D.M., but from what I've read the Maize & Blue had a miserable shooting night. Michigan lives by exquisite outside shooting, & dies by the lack of same. I love Coach Beilein's scheme, but there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Next: A foe from the ancient enemy, the Pac-12, the epithetless Ducks of Oregon, on a neutral court in N.Y.C.—the hipster paradise of Brooklyn to be precise—on Monday evening. The valiant Wolverines will then face either Villanova or V.C.U. at that same venue in Brooklyn.

Go Blue!