I got up at five this morning to go guard the ROTC kids as they tried to swim in their BDUs while carrying rubber mock-M-16s. As always, it was an exercise in absurdity, but fun nevertheless. For at least a couple hours at a time, the Army kids are a hoot. Also, I've discovered that I like Army girls, at least the kind who are trying to become officers. Now all I have to do is figure out how to bag me one.

The French Connection
Before I begin, it should be noted that I have been a vehement French-taunter for years. Long before the current animosity began, I took particular glee in mocking the sons and daughters of Gaul. (For confirmation, just ask the Bald Mountain.) That said, let me add this: hey, jerks, let's give the French a break! There are many, many things not to like about France (it's full of Frenchmen, it's not part of NATO*, Vichy... lousy collaborators), but at the end of the day France and America always have been and always will be friends. After the United States and Great Britain, France is the world's third oldest democracy. France has produced some of the world's greatest artists. How best to explain this? France is a lot like me; France and Mike Wilson are frighteningly similar. As all my friends can attest, I'm capable of being a real bastard. I can be moody and condescending. Sometimes I purposefully pick fights. Why? Because I like to fight. Often, I am needlessly insulting. The French are the same way. Yet despite my flaws, I still have friends who really care about me, even if they can't articulate why exactly. The same thing with France. The French can infuriating friends, but they are still our friends.

*There are two halves to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), civil and military. NATO has always been a primarily military alliance, what with the threat of Soviet hegemonic intentions and all, but the civil half is still important. (Then-Secretary General Javier Solana [of Spain] was instrumental in NATO's intervention in Kosovo. The current Secretary General is Britain's Lord Robertson.) In the mid-1960s, French President and living caricature Charles de Gaulle withdrew the French Republic from the military half of NATO, though to this day the country continues to participate in the parallel civil administration.

Also, if you order "freedom fries" in my presence, I will not guarantee the continued safety of your person. I love my country with all my heart, but there are times I really wish we could act with just a tiny bit of class.