Ricky Fitness*
I feel fat, slow, and tremendously bloated, but I am a pound lighter than when I weighed myself last Friday. What the frell? Remember, Mike, it doesn't matter how you feel. Forget how you feel or how you think you look. All that matters is how your clothes fit. Perception is the soul of unreliability, but the notches of the belt, the T-shirt that used to be too tight, those measurements don't lie.

*To answer a question that was never asked, this feature is titled "Ricky Fitness" after the current drummer of The Aquabats!, Ricky Fitness. Though everyone's favorite refugees from Aquabania don't hold a candle to Spinal Tap, England's loudest band, quite a few people have manned the drumset for The Aquabats!, including Ricky Fitness, Doctor Rock, the Baron von Tito, and Roddy B. That The Goldbricker's name is Rick and "Ricky" was his childhood nickname, which his siblings still use, is simply a dreadful coincidence. (My dad's name is Rick, he's had a mustache his whole adult life, and he owns, and used to drive, a Camero. How many questions does that answer?) I nearly called this feature "Fat Man Running," a glorious phrase that has fallen out of common usage since the jolly Bald Mountain shed so much of the fat and became the svelte Mountain of Love, but as I detest the running portion of the regimen I thought "Ricky Fitness" a more apt title.

And while the Mountain of Love is certainly far less mountainous than the Bald Mountain, a name that was spot-on accurate on both counts, by this point my brother's mountainness is thoroughly ingrained and shall endure all the way to his wedding and beyond. At present, the scheme is to nickname his and the future Mrs. Mountain's progeny the Foothills.