The Victors: Big Ten Pride & Loyalty
Last year's B.C.S. "B.S. Bowl" was a paradox, simultaneously a no-win scenario and a win-win proposition. No-win: I hate both T.O.S.U. and the University of Florida and was sickened by the notion that one of them would be proclaimed the "national champion." Win-win: if Ohio State won, it would be both a laurel in the Big Ten's cap and a humiliation for the filthy Gators; if Florida won, at least the hated Buckeyes would go down to ignominious defeat. The latter proved that case, but my joy at T.O.S.U.'s degradation was tempered by the baleful apotheosis of the fiendish Urban Meyer. And before the game I was so torn between hatreds that though I made a public declaration of my cerebral preference, my heart was genuinely uncommitted: Wayback Machinelink.

This year's B.C.S. "B.S. Bowl" has helped me clarify my thinking. I harbor no ill-will toward Louisiana State University beyond a general disdain for the entire State of Louisiana, the Napoleonic Code-loving bastards. (English common law rules!) I do, however, loathe the Southeastern Conference (the S.E.C., not to be confused with the federal Securities and Exchange Commission, also the S.E.C.), especially the national media's slavish devotion to the S.E.C.'s mythical "speed advantage" against the "slow" Big Ten. Odd that Florida's "speed advantage" didn't seem to keep the valiant Michigan Wolverines from making Tim Tebow eat his Heisman Trophy, no? But, I also hate the hated Buckeyes. So, from whence does the aforementioned clarify come?

I got sick of being a hypocrite. I have long boasted that when it comes to bowl season that Big Ten loyalty extends to every member of the conference expect the dastardly Spartans. A man is only as good as his word; so, I must either accept the consequences of my claims and root for an Ohio State victory tonight, however reluctantly, or stop making any claim to being a loyal son of the Big Ten. And that made the choice very clear. Texile was horrible and I am glad beyond all reasoning to be returned to my beloved Michigan. This is where I am from, this is where I always hope to live, and this is where my body will be laid to rest 'til kingdom come. Among the many facets of my home is the presence of the Big Ten Conference. I have been as wronged an anyone by the conference's greedy construct the Big Ten Network, but that abomination's advertisements do hit upon one essential truth. This is Big Ten country.



So, tonight I will be rooting for Big Ten, represented by those cretinous curs, the hated Buckeyes of THE Ohio State University, against the generic Tigers of Louisiana State University. Come on, Tressel, you monster, just pretend that Les Miles is Lloyd Carr and befuddle him with your evil genius. (Sorry, Lloyd, but it's true.)

Go Big Ten!

The Rebel Black Dot Song of the Day
Reel Big Fish, "Hate You" from Monkeys For Nothin' and the Chimps For Free (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: And I really do hate you scarlet-and-gray-clad goons. I just need you to do this one thing for me. Or do it for yourselves; for your illiterate, inbred parents; or for your whorish girlfriends, what do I care? Just get it done.