Death Before Dishonor
Helene St. James, the Red Wings beat reporter for the Detroit Free Press, has a sugggestion for improving the team before the playoffs: acquire Peter Forsberg. Let's hope Helene St. James gets crushed under a bus. Not Forsberg. Forsberg was an Avalanche during the most bitter days of the Detroit-Colorado rivalry. Never Forsberg. Acquiring Chelios from the hated Blackhawks was one thing, because Chelios is just that kind of guy, but trading for Forsberg would be something altogether more vile. Forsberg must never be allowed to desecrate the nigh-sacred winged wheel.

Bus drivers of the Detroit metropolitan area: keep a sharp lookout for the St. James harlot and keep your feet poised above your gas pedals like the sword above Damocles. May Our Blessed Lady of Acceleration guide you all. Bogspeed.

Becks and Posh
Pele, perhaps the greatest soccer play of all time, "The King of (Soccer)," could not sell soccer as a viable professional sport in the U.S. of A., and Becks, my friends, is no Pele. I submit, in fact, that David Beckham is a pussy. I offer two proofs: 1) Beckham made his name and reputation playing for Manchester United; everyone knows that the Red Devils are shite and their supporters are double shite (especially The Guy). Real men stand with Arsenal. Go Gunners! 2) Major League Soccer plays an, at best, second-rate brand of soccer. The players and coaches are wholly inferior to the European and Latin American competition Beckham faced while with Man U and Real Madrid. Becks coming to play for an MLS team is like Peyton Manning signing with an Arena Football League team. Were Becks not a pussy, he'd still relish the superiority of play found in the FA Premiership and the UEFA Champions League.

And that's the first and last time I'll ever deign to mention the MLS. Now the race is on to see whom can be the first to leave a comment quoting Dan Rydell's famous critique of soccer.