Reality bites: If you were born in 1987, this year you will turn sixteen. People born in 1987 are having sex and here I am, Vestal McNosex. (If you don't know who the Vestals were, I suggest you brush up on ancient Roman culture, you ignorant puke.) You know, fuck being in love with Lindsay. Fuck wanting to get to know a girl before sleeping with her. I'm going to do all the shit I should have done in college. I'm going to randomly hook up with people I never want to see again, I'm going to prey upon the drunkest girls I can find, I'm going to tell my sense of morality to go fuck himself. And smack. I'm going to get addicted to smack.