Inspired by The Watergirl's "Pocket-Sized Republican (PSR)," I've devised yet another permutation of The Last Angry Man: I am The Last Angry Moderate Republican.

Braylon Edwards sez I'm a prick
Braylon Edwards is a star on the University of Michigan football team. I work in the Intramural Program of the Recreational Sports Department. I do not make policy, but it is my duty to enforce policy. It doesn't matter whether or not I agree with policy; no one put a gun to my head, I knew what the job entailed when I took it. Last night, a softball team composed of U of M football players, including Mr. Edwards, played their first playoff game. Mr. Edwards chose not to bring his MCard (student ID). Intramural policy is that all players have to present their MCards before every game; if you don't want to show your MCard that is your business, but by playing in our league you are agreeing to our rules, among them the MCard policy. When told he could not play, Mr. Edwards approached me and explained that he had already shown his MCard "fourteen times" (there are four regular season games) and did not feel he should have to present it again. "How many people are there on the U of M campus named Braylon Edwards?" I told him that while I was certain he was the only one, and that I was certain he was who he said he was, he still had to present his MCard or I could not allow him to play. I told him that if I let him play without his MCard, I'd have to let everyone play without an MCard. I have to treat everyone the same. "No, I don't think you do," he replied. Still, I held my ground and he sent David Underwood, another player, to get both their MCards. Oh, yeah, and he also said, "I want to play, but I didn't think he'd [me] be a prick about it."

This sort of thing happens all the time. I mean, I understand that people are idiots and can't remember a very simple rule: no MCard, no game. But, this thing with Braylon surprised me. Normally, the treating-everyone-the-same line works like a charm. Even the most arrogant Jersey frat boy seems to understand the principle of universal fairness. I've seen that line take the fire out of many eyes; come on, who can argue against fairness? But he honestly thought he should be treated differently than everyone else. I said I had to be consistent in my dealings with everyone. Without missing a beat he insisted that he deserved special treatment. Wow.

I love the game of football. For years, I have argued that I don't like football players, but that I still liked the game. Perhaps this was unfair. After all, they are encouraged to be as hyperaggressive as they are in order to be better players, to be more than they are for the good of the game and the amusement of the fans. I want them to be assholes, just like I want my fighter pilots to be mad-dog killers, because it keeps me safe at night. What kind of a hypocrite am I, though, to wish these monsters into existence, but then despise them for being just as I need them to be? In order to push himself on the practice field and in the Ohio State game, Braylon Edwards needs to believe himself to be a god; I'm the asshole for demanding that he be made a god, but then feeling afronted by him when he acts as such. The only non-contradictory ways out of this conundrum are to stop loving football or accept that football players are entitled to the special treatment they demand.

Or learn to be happy as a hypocrite.