Freaks and Geeks… and Greeks
I was recently gifted with a bid to join the U of M-Flint colony of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity (Phi Taulink & Wikilink). This is the same frat that sought my membership a year hence, and once again the pursuit was them-of-me, the reverse of the traditional rites of fraternity rush. There are three questions to be addressed: Why do the Phi Taus pursue me? Why should I join Phi Tau? Am I now a brother in Phi Kappa Tau?

Why do the Phi Taus pursue me? Being of a mind to view false modesty as very nearly as offensive as arrogance, I state plainly that I am a tremendous fellow, well-regarded and even mildly admired among the campus community. I am possessed of a keen intellect, finely honed oratory skills, and a brilliant sense of humor. Of course, I am also, despite the wild and ongoing success of Project MERCATOR, not the most sociable chap, and would not fit in with the culture of debauched carousing that typifies Greek life; so, the very fact that I am the type of lad the Phi Taus want speaks well to why I should accept their offer of membership.

Why should I join Phi Tau? In all their pursuit of me, not one Phi Tau freely proffered an explicit reason why I should join their fraternity. I believe that they were avoiding intentionally the hard sell, and if so I laud that decision in theory while noting that in practice they took it to an unfortunate extreme. No one likes the hard sell, but that should not be seen as a reason to avoid all efforts at salesmanship. After waiting, with steadily decreasing patience, for one of them to step up to the plate, I finally had to put the question directly to Phi Tau brother Ska Army: Why should I join Phi Tau? He spoke of brotherhood, camaraderie, and community service. He spoke also of sharing my contemptuous view of typical frat boys and Greek life, emphasizing that Phi Kappa Tau had been the anti-frat frat from its beginnings, originally chartered at Miami University as the Non-Fraternity Association. So, why go Greek only to be anti-Greek? I asked. He spoke of a desire to change the image of Greek life, to reform it into something noble and proper. The journey of the Non-Fraternity Association to the Phi Kappa Tau Fraternity was one of seeking broader acceptance and recognition; to have any influence on the direction of the Greek system on America's college campuses, the Phi Taus had first to be accepted into that system. So it is with the Phi Tau colony at U of M-Flint; these are not the churlish louts one pictures when one thinks of frat boys, but they are all interested in the fraternal ideals of brotherhood and service.

Am I now a brother in Phi Kappa Tau? No, I am not. I find unconvincing the notion of reforming the Greek system from within. Why should I care if the Greeks continue to be churlish louts ensconced in a culture of debauched carousing? The time and energies of decent blokes, as most of the Phi Taus are, would be better spent simply carrying on with the business of being decent blokes, rather than trying to save the Greeks from their chosen path of knavery and snobbery. And the Phi Taus do not have an answer for my greatest objection to Greek life, the debasement of the word and notion of brotherhood. I know what it is to have a brother, and in my time I have known a great many frat boys who actively hate a goodly number of their own "brothers." There is simply no comparison between the empty Greek notion of "brotherhood" and the bond of the Super Wilson Bros., nor the brotherhood I share with my fellow Blue Tree Whackers. I mean no offense to my friends who are Phi Taus, nor any to the rest of the U of M-Flint Phi Taus, but even were I to join their ranks not a one of those lads would be as a brother to me, and so how could I possibly call them all and sundry my brothers?

Despite all this, my mind was genuinely undecided until I received my bid, or just shortly thereafter. The second-to-last weekend in January found me in Ypsilanti & Ann Arbor with the speech & debate team, and also desirous of seeing The Loose Ties perform in Lansing (Wayback Machinelink). Saturday night, I received a text message from Frankenstein's Monster, like Ska Army both a member of my usual Econ Club-centered gang and a Phi Tau, informing me that I was to be welcomed into Phi Kappa Tau (and was to be given a more formal bid later); he further wrote that there was no pressure on the decision, I could take my time. At that moment, though undecided, I was leaning toward becoming a Phi Tau; the main reason not to do so was my long-standing enmity against frats and sororities, and I could scarcely reject Phi Tau on those grounds, since it was so decidedly against those things I was against. But then I received another text from Frankenstein's Monster, informing me that if I was going to accept the Phi Tau bid that I needed to do so in less then twenty-four hours (this was around 10:30 P.M.) and be at the Flint Arts Council for some manner of induction ceremony by 9:00 P.M. on the following day. Nothing focuses the mind like a deadline, and for me everything snapped into crystal clear focus. All that mattered was that I could not think of a compelling, positive reason to join the Phi Taus. Absent that, my unequivocal answer could only be no.

I informed Frankenstein's Monster of my answer via text message, and almost immediately had cause to think I'd narrowly escaped becoming bound up in something unsavory. The Monster expressed regret at my decision, and told me that should I chance my mind my bid would remain open for a calendar year. Wait, what? The bid was to be open for twelve months, yet they'd needed me to say "yes" in less than twenty-four hours? I smelled shenanigans. What were they playing at here? Had the less-than-a-day deadline been meant to scare me into acceptance, to make me think that I had to leap at the opportunity being presented or risk losing it forever? I have not breathed a word of this to Frankenstein's Monster, nor to Ska Army nor The Outlaw (a pal from the History Club), nor any of the other Phi Taus, but I found this snap decision/year-long bid bait-and-switch business deeply suspicious. To my mind, it suggests nothing else so strongly as duplicity and double-dealing. Mayhap the Phi Taus aren't such atypical Greeks after all? Unlike The Iliad and The Odyssey, I've not read The Aeneid, but I still appreciate Virgil's words, "I fear the Greeks even when they bear gifts."

Of course, that's not quite the end of our story. In league with the other two predominantly white fraternities, Kappa Sigma and Theta Chi, Phi Kappa Tau last week put on an improv comedy show modeled on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, with all proceeds from the gate to go to charity. (At U of M-Flint, the more numerous black fraternities and sororities are self-segregated as the "Divine Nine" and do not participate in any pan-Hellenic organizing with the white frats and sororities.) On Tuesday, Frankenstein's Monster asked me if I'd be willing to help the Phi Taus with the show. I knew not what this would entail, but knowing the charitable aim of the show I acceded to his request. Only when I showed up for practice on Wednesday evening did I learn what I'd gotten myself into; there was only one Phi Tau present, and I was to be one of Thursday night's improv comedians. Oh, bugger. The rest of the session convinced me that the show might well be a fiasco, but also possessed the potential to be quite a success. There was a minor imbroglio during the day on Thursday over a case of mistaken identity: some members of Kappa Sig and/or Theta Chi took exception to the inclusion of an outsider in what was meant to be an Inter-Fraternity Council event; who was this bearded "Matt" kid to be involving himself in a Greek event, anyway? I am uncertain how or even if all the ruffled feathers were smoothed out, but I imagine some cover was given to the Phi Taus by my possession of an open bid to join their number. (Apparently, all I need do is sign on a dotted line and I'd be in.)

Thursday evening came and the show went rather better than expected. (When first I stepped out onto the stage, I was blinded by the projector being used to display behind us the name of the "game" we were playing and other useful information, thus the imperative nature of Fountains of Wayne's "Comedienne" as Thursday's R.B.D.S.O.T.D.) Much fun was had at the expense of one performer in particular, a Kappa Sig who works as a stripper and is featured in a homemade same-sex porn video circulating on the internets, but he was a good sport. The obligatory school administrator who'd been dragooned into filling Drew Carey's shoes erroneously introduced me as a member of Phi Kappa Tau, but for the purposes of the evening that might as well have been accurate. I was appalled to see The Impossible Ingenue in the audience, though suddenly her multiple text messages throughout the day in reference to the show made a good deal more sense. Also in attendance were Frankenstein's Monster and The Outlaw; I was a far better improv performer than either of them would have been, but why was I on stage if there were bona fide Phi Taus available to perform in the show? Great Caesar's ghost, had I been brought in as a ringer? After the show and our habitual lollygagging in making any kind of decision, The Impossible Ingenue; the Monster; the "other" Phi Tau performer, Kevin; and I had a quick dessert at a chain restaurant near my house. Then The Ingenue drove home and we chaps repaired to my house to watch that evening's new episode of Burn Notice. There is talk of making Whose Line Is It Anyway? an annual event; maybe next year it'll even be an all-Greek show.

Also, a brand-new sorority on campus, Sigma Sigma Sigma, is making a pretty strong push to recruit The Most Dangerous Game. I don't know any of the Tri-Sigmas, they might be great girls, but I can't help but feel I must devise some way to keep her from taking the plunge. "I fear the Greeks even when they bear gifts."

The Banzai Beard Bonanza II: Bonsai's Revenge
Day 56: During a webcam chat with The L.A.W. & Brother-in-L.A.W., orchestrated principally so my mom could gander at the still uncodenamed Natalie, my sister conceded that the beard was looking better, a reversal of her earlier "scraggly" criticism. I'm pleased, but slightly exasperated; of course it took some time for the beard to grow in, Rome wasn't build in a day! I entertain not the slightest hope of ever overturning Mrs. Skeeter, Esq.'s deep and abiding hatred for not only my beard, but for the entire concept of the Bonanza.

Banzai!

The Queue
Recently
Nick Hornby, Slam
Agatha Christie, Crooked House
Marshall Jevons, The Fatal Equilibrium

Currently
P. G. Wodehouse, Mike at Wrykyn

Presently
P. G. Wodehouse, Mike and Psmith
Agatha Christie, Passenger to Frankfurt
Agatha Christie, The Murder at the Vicarage

The Rebel Black Dot Songs of the Day
Tally Hall, "Just Apathy" from Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary:

"Waiting 'round for something better
I'm the one that wouldn't let her,
Now I'm back and forth,
I get bored when she's no perfect find.

'Cause it's one thing or another,
I don't even know why I bother,
One thing just tears her down.
'Cause it's one thing or another,
I don't even know why I bother,
Something I just can't get around.

Consider the possibility
That you've been had, but not by me.
We're just kids, don't worry about this.
My course is run and I'm so tired,
Until the next one comes inspired,
I feel bad, and I should,
I made her sad and I knew it would."

Samstag, 20 Februar
Tally Hall, "Taken For a Ride" from Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary: "The chemistry is gone."