I'm beginning to feel weird about California. There's a strange vibe in the air. Last night, rather late at night (past midnight in Berkeley), I went online and started IMing with Lindsay. She said she was tired of typing and asked me to call her. As soon as I did, she asked me what was wrong. I was taken aback, because there was genuine concern in her voice. Lindsay's delightfully abrasive, but when she gets serious her voice become softer and painfully beautiful. Her voice was very soft. My mind raced to find something I'd done to make her think anything was the matter, but found nothing. I said nothing was wrong, but she persisted and asked me again what was wrong. Now, to my horror and embarrassment, you all know that I am an ogre. I trample over people's feeling without any regard, not out of malice (usually), but out of emotional oafishness (or, less charitably, retardation). So, I'm trying to be more open. In the parlance of the Beltway, more transparent. I asked her, gently, what I'd done to make her think something was amiss. She told me that I'd been combative the last several times we'd talked. I told her that nothing was wrong, and pleaded with her to tell me what I'd said to give her such an erroneous impression so I could avoid doing so in the future. Still speaking very softly, she told me not to be a dick.

For a time last night, I entertained the thought that she doesn't want me to come to California. Upon learning of my impending visit, her friend Teresa, a former co-worker here in Michigan, in whom Lindsay has confided about our friendship, told her that by having me visi so soon after her departure that she was leading me on. This prompted Lindsay to beg me to reassure her that she had, in fact, not been leading me on. I told her the truth: of course she hadn't. Linz and I are dear friends, and the timing of my visit was determined by the San Francisco dates of the Warped Tour, that is why I am coming out. And this is the truth, because she and I are friends. It is not her fault I'm in love with her. Alas, time grows short as the lab is closing. More on this later, as I am sure it will dominate my thinking.

45 Things She Wishes You Knew
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother even though I admire her.
This, my friends, is the truth. We all fear becoming those we have idolized, though we've idolized them for good reason. I don't know why this is, except perhaps the fear of being not ourselves, but mere clones. And as we all know, a clone is neve quite as good as the original. But, it may be a good deal more complex. I hope to revisit this topic.