I have a new mobile telephone, which will have cost the sales tax less five cents once a mail-in rebate for five cents more than the purchase price is honored by Verizon. "The Unicorn," as my old mobile was named on in its dying days, is not dead, but it have been shackled, caged. Unicorns are wild creatures, tamable only by a virtuous (read: virginal) maid, & once a unicorn has been chained one must ask the metaphysical question of whether or not 'tis then still a unicorn. I will no longer strut around as if I'm Captain Kirk, no longer equipped with a flip-open Communicator. My new mobile's screen is smaller than the Unicorn's, the QWERTY keyboard less user-friendly than the Unicorn's. By every ergonomic metric, my new mobile is worse than the Unicorn, though it does have the advantage of being in a less advanced stage of entropic malfunction. So, that's that. All good things must come to an end.

Bonus! Song of the Day
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "First World Problems" from Mandatory Fun (T.L.A.M.)

Commentary:

"Some idiot just called me up on the 'phone,
What? Don't they know how to text? O.M.G.!…"