Fire Millen & Marinelli
Christmas Eve - The Lions were beating the Bears when Mom and I embarked for church; so, I was fearful that the Lions might have broken my heart yet again by defeating the Bears. I was so relieved when we returned home and the Mountain, arrived that very day from the gulag that is Ohio, appraised me of the final result. Whew!

23-72, Mr. Millen, 2-13 on the year. Have you no decency?

New Year's Eve - I truly, genuinely did not want the Lions to win against the Bears. However, if the dastardly Michigan State University Spartans, the vile University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and Astaroth, the Archduke of Hell, were to break bread and deign to form a joint team for a game against the Dallas Cowboys, I would root for the infernal MSU/UND/Hell squad. If the Dallas Cowboys are "America's team," I'm emigrating to England. So, I wanted the infernal triumvirate of Jon Kitna (The Goon), Rod Marinelli (The Hypocrite), and Matt Millen (I can't think of a worse insult than his name; so, Matt Millen is the worst thing I can call Matt Millen) to overcome the "Romo-mentum" of Jerry "The Poor Man's J.R. Ewing" Jones's Cowboys. Happily, the Cowboys were keen to help in any way they could and the Lions triumphed.

And, par for the course, most of the Lions (the players) now seem to think that because they won the last game of the season, the previous fifteen don't count. "3-13," they tell themselves, "is awesome! We told you we were a good team! You stupid fans didn't believe us, but we knew it! We're going to win twelve games next year, baby! I told you we were good!" Of course, most of the starting Lions would be back-ups or practice squad fodder on any other NFL team; so, their opinions should be discounted accordingly.

24-72, Mr. Millen, 3-13 on the year. Have you no decency?

Next time: "There's Something Rotten in Denmark: Applying Shakespeare's Hamlet to the Problem of the Detroit Lions."