Laura
Having recently seen both The Oh in Ohio and The Shape of Things, two films in which Paul Rudd's characters, Jack and Adam, respectively, undergo significant physical transformation, staring off looking disshevled and pudgy and ending up looking like Paul Rudd, the thought passed through my head, "If I were Laura instead of Mike, I'd totally want to fuck Paul Rudd." But there is a nagging doubt, something inherent in the declaration that makes me suspect it would wilt before even a gentle inquisition.

My parents didn't know my sex until my birth; quite sensibly, they had made preparations for either eventuality, selecting the name Mike should I emerge a born, Laura should I prove a girl. So, had a different one of Dad's swimmers breached Mom's egg, I'd be Laura Wilson. And had I been born a girl and my brother born still a boy, he'd be Michael Wilson, not David. (The Mountain is always called David. Not Dave. Never Davey. David. Had he been born Michael, would he be Mike, like me, or always Michael? I've always said that one should never trust Michaels, meaning a Michael who is never called Mike, Mikey, or some variation thereof.)

But when I say, "I'd be Laura Wilson," that's not even remotely true. Mom and Dad's middle child would be Laura Wilson. The L.A.W.'s younger sister and the Mountain of Love's older sister, the younger of his two older sisters, would be Laura Wilson, but "I" wouldn't be Laura Wilson. Each of Dad's swimmers and each of Mom's eggs, though cut from the same genetic cloth, had potentially vast differences; one swimmer was not a clone or another. Exhibits A, B, and C: The L.A.W., the Mountain of Love, and me. Had a different swimmer breached the same egg from which I grew, a discrete individual would have resulted. The lovely Laura Wilson, extrapolating from my actual sister's beauty, would be entirely distinct from the paunchy Mike Wilson you all know and loathe. I am Mike Wilson. Being male is not incidental to how I perceive myself, to how I react to the wider world. And that's not even taking into consideration the genetic differences between Laura and Mike.

I really don't have a leg to stand on vis-a-vis Laura wanting to schtup Paul Rudd. I can say that if I, if Mike, felt even the slightest bit of physical attraction to men, he'd desire Paul Rudd, but I cannot in good conscience make any claim to know the foci of Laura's lust.

I am confident we shall revisit this topic.