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I want to ask Lindsay if her boyfriend knows how I feel about her and, if so, how he feels about that. A small voice in the back of my head says that this isn't such a good idea, understandably giving me pause. Opinions? The dark bastard, true to form, is doing his little happy dance as he explains to me that Lindsay's boyfriend couldn't care less how I feel about her since he gets to bury his face between her legs and because she loves him as she'll never love me. (I swear, if I could have that little shit - the dark bastard, not Lindsay's beau - for five minutes in a locked room....)

I've got these three long scratches on my stomach. I'm sure I got them from the Flounders, but I don't remember anyone clawing at my bulbous belly. It's kind of cool, though. A fanboyish notion, yes, but it sort of looks like I was attacked by Wolverine.

Neutral Girl vs. Grizzly Adams
Okay, so right after New Year's, Neutral Girl went out on a date with Grizzly Adams; it was an experience she does not wish to repeat. This past long weekend, Neutral Girl was in town visiting Neutral Man. Both Friday and Saturday nights, the groups with which Neutral Man and Neutral Girl were hanging out included Grizzly Adams. At Saturday night's midnight screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, for which they ditched me by backing out of the party at Macho Grande, Neutral Man let his guard down. As planned, he would have sat on one side of Neutral Girl while the Flying Dutchman protected her other flank. However, he slipped up and Grizzly Adams sat down right next to her. In the middle of the movie, Neutral Girl felt Grizzly Adams's hand on her thigh. She batted the hand away and did her best to scootch over towards the Flying Dutchman; of course, as most people would, she didn't confront Grizzly and hoped it would just blow over.

Sunday night, the three of them (NM, NG, and TFD) and I went to the movies (I will not say what we saw, it's too embarrassing). Grizzly Adams met us at the theater; had I known he was going to be in attendence, wild horses could not have dragged me there. Nevertheless, we succesfully shielded Neutral Girl so that I was on her right and both the Flying Dutchman and Neutral Man on her left before Grizzly Adams. Crisis averted? Sadly, no. It had snowed during the movie. I tried to steer Neutral Girl into Neutral Man's 'scort wagon, but she allowed herself to be trapped into talking to Grizzly. My two chums and I cleared off the car as quickly as we could and again tried to get her into the car. Finally, she broke away from him and got into the front seat (we're gentlemen, you see, so the Flying Dutchman and I piled into the back). Apparently, without asking her, Grizzly had made dinner reservations for the two of them for that evening and he was disappointed she'd "cancelled." He asked her to have breakfast with him the next day, but she dodged by lying about how early she was leaving to return to Valpraiso (where she goes to school, genius). He also invited himself to visit her the next weekend, but she told him, truthfully, that she had family coming in that weekend. She shook her head, wondering why we hadn't rescued her just then outside the car while we wondered aloud why she hadn't run away screaming at the top of her lungs, but mostly we all just had a nice laugh about what a creep Grizzly Adams is. Too soon, as it turned out.

Then he came back! I literally jumped when he knocked on the Flying Dutchman's window (rear passenger). The Flying Dutchman rolled down his window and Grizzly said, "[Neutral Girl], I know it's late, but would you come have a drink with me? I promise to deposit you at [Neutral Man]'s later." Aaaaaaaaaah! It was all I could do to remain silent! I wanted to scream and laugh at the same time. She politely declined and, to our collective relief, he turned and walked away without further creepiness. We all started yelling, "Drive! Drive! Drive!" and it wasn't until we were safely underway that we all started laughing and shaking. Holy shit, who creepy was that? Okay, she hadn't liked it when he'd put his hand on her leg, she hadn't accepted his dinner "invitation," and she had declined his offer of breakfast the next day before she left town. What made him think she'd accept a nightcap? And he knocked on the Dutchman's window, not Neutral Girl's! Aaaaaaah! Oh man, oh man, oh man, what inthe hell had just happened? We were all mortified and amused and stunned all the way home and into the next day. By Lucifer's beard, what was going through that crazy head of his? I mean, I've always joked about Grizzly being a psycho, but geez!

Back at venerable old 1213, we all did the best we could to make light of everything and make Neutral Girl feel safe and secure. Because we're men; we're trying to be men. It's what we do. Man alive, I half expect that Neutral Girl will come back to her apartment one day and find a love sled waiting for her in the mail.

Next: A Blue Tree Whacking Day/Good E. Bag Thursday Miracle!