I want to write a novel, but I don't want it to be another disillusioned rant by a twenty-something white guy. Yes, that's what I am, but God knows the world has enough of those already. And I'm not disillusioned. (Notice that yesterday, when I said I was disillusioned, I placed it in quotation marks.) I know what I believe in and how I want to live my life. I'm only disillusioned in that what I want and how I am is different than how I was told I was supposed to be.

Saturday
I'm disillusioned because I let Lindsay drag me out on Saturday night, even though she admitted herself the people with whom we were going weren't very cool. The group was a conspiracy of circumstance, a mishmash of people who have lived together because of the odd circumstances of collge life and their friends, so that some members of the group truly loathe others. The players (by couple - this was not my idea, and Lindsay and I are not *sigh* a couple, but we arrived first and conducted a headcount to give the server some idea of how many to seat): Lindsay and I, Mike and SSG, Orin and Jenni, Jeremy and Heather, Matt and Kami, and Jack. The Lord was merciful and Jack's horrible girlfriend stayed in Cincinnati, where they live. Of that list, I hate spending time with: SSG, Orin, Jenni (but only because she's always with Orin), Jeremy, Heather, Matt, Kami, and Jack.

I didn't want to go, but it was easier to go than to tell her, "You go ahead, I have no desire to see these peole; so, I'll stay here. If you want to come back and watch the movie later, I'm cool with that. But I really do not want to go with these idiots." But there would have been an argument, and I probably would have had to talk to SSG. So, I went and pouted the entire time. She told me I needed to be more social; so, I talked to Jenni, whom I really like. Orin was distracted by Mike, so the one thing I have against Jenni wasn't there. She's too nice the way my mom is too nice, but she's funny, too. But, when I started to talk to Jenni, SSG reared her chipmunk-cheeks and spewed forth some of her usual idiocy and I scowled and scowled and scowled. Mercifully, we left before anyone else.

Afterward, Lindsay said it was important for me to go. She's "working on me." Why? For fuck's sake, it's not that I'm antisocial, I just hate most people. I love nothing better than going out with the BTW gang; I just don't want to go out with those whom I despise. Does that seem unreasonable, to not hang out with people who aren't in any way your friends? The thing I love best and simultaneously hate most about Lindsay is the double-standard by which she judges everyone. She didn't want to spend time with Jeremy (they are long-time enemies), Heather, Matt, or Kami. So, why was it a good idea to go? I will never fucking understand why I should change if change means more time spend with the Idiot Brigade and their misbegotten ilk.