The Collaborator?
Am I Edgar Snow? This afternoon, I was reading John McCain's memoir Worth the Fighting For. Therein, he refers to the 1979 border war between Vietnam and China, inaccurately stating that Vietnam won. Quite simply, they did not. But as I read that passage, I became angry, partially because McCain himself always expresses great distain for those who misrepresent history, yet here he was doing the same thing, but also because he was insulting China. This gave me pause. China is a steadfastly undemocratic country that in the coming century could very well pose a serious threat to the international supremacy of my beloved America, and yet here I was upset because China's honor had been insulted.

Then it struck me that I don't get angry over Tiananmen Square anymore; I used to say, "The summer I turned ten, I saw the Chinese government ruthlessly supress a peaceful call for reform. Whatever else I learn about China, my opinion will always be colored by the Tiananmen Square massacre." I used to despise the government in Beijing, denouncing them as butchers. Now, I wonder if I've become an apologist. Instead of anger, now I only feel vague sadness when I think about Tiananmen Square; the Chinese leadership was not justified in turning the guns of the People's Liberation Amry on the people, but at the same time, what the hell did the students expect would happen? The response of the senior leadership, the reassertion of control by the hardliners over the most radical reformers, was brutal, but also completely predictable. I admit the advantage of hindsight, but had I been 24 in 1989 and known as much about that China as my 24 year-old self knows about today's China, I could have told you that the logical end of the Tiananmen protests was the massacre.

The ruthlessness of the Chinese Communist Party no longer shocks me, no longer surprises me. So I ask, with genuine concern, have I become Edgar Snow? Snow was an American "journalist"; In the 1950s, he was one of the only Americans granted access to the then new People's Republic. Though he clothed himself in journalistic integrity, Snow was a fawning sycophant of Mao, and his famous book, Red Star Over China, bore little resemblence to reality. I know that I am not yet that far gone, but I fear that behaps I have already taken more than a few steps on that path to the dark side. Is my reaction to Tiananmen the sign of a mature, informed opinion, or the self-delusions of a collaborator and apologist? On this point, I am certain only that the matter requires greater and more careful introspection.

Banzai Beard Bonanza: Day 32
Yesterday, I shaved my cheeks and it has made all the difference in the world. Though my beard does not rise much above my jawline, below that point it does not look completely terrible. The hair is not dense enough to justify growing a beard for real, but it is almost respectable. On my cheeks, though, were scattered outbreaks of single hairs here and there, enough to look crappy, but not enough to provide any coverage. So, yeterday I shaved them into oblivion. It is a substantial improvement, both in the look of the overall debalce and my state of mind.