The Victors: Team 138, Game 1

Saturday, 2 September @ (Naming Rights) Stadium [a neutral site]
(№ 11) Michigan 33-17 Florida (№ 17)
1-0, B1G 0-0

On the one hand, I'm always pleased to see the valiant Wolverines prevail. On the other hand, it is tremendously disheartening to see that Michigan's starting quarterback Wilton Speight is exactly the same player he was last year, greatly dimming the overall prospects for Team 138. On the gripping hand, between the absurdity of the University of Michigan facing off against the University of Florida in the State of Texas, at the garish temple of Mammon known as "Jerry World," & the obnoxiousness of Michigan's all-maize uniforms seemingly borrowed from West Virginia or Cal, I'm just glad this debacle in now in the rear-view mirror & we can all go about getting on with our lives.

Uncle Don's Murder Machine appeared to pick up where it left off last year, an impressive feat given that ten of last year's eleven defensive starters are no longer student-athletes. That said, the Team 137 edition of Uncle Don's Murder Machine benefited from great depth; so, many of the Team 138 Murder Machine starters have extensive experience murderizing opposing offenses. The caveat to this afternoon's sterling defensive performance—both of the epithetless Gators' touchdowns, accounting for fourteen of their seventeen points, were returned interceptions, meaning that the Florida offense only netted three points—is that Florida is one of the worst offensive clubs in all of "Division I" football (technically, the Football Bowl Subdivision of Division I).

The brightest star coming out of the game appears to be sophomore placekicker Quinn Nordin, who finished the day four-for-six, which seemed a lot more impressive before he missed his last two kicks of the day, since of the opening four he made, two were for fifty & fifty-five yards, respectively. Then, two misses from closer range, but still, a positively memorable debut.

The Achilles heel of Team 138 will be the offense, where senior quarterback picked up where he left off last year, throwing two interceptions that kept Florida in the game (actually giving the epithetless Gators the halftime lead) & overthrowing or otherwise missing numerous receivers. Speight finished eleven-for-twenty-five, for one hundred eight-one yards, one touchdown, & two interceptions, an abysmal day on any second-year staring quarterback's record. Yet to my horror, for all Speight's many & obvious shortcomings, I have no doubt that he is also the valiant Wolverines' best option at quarterback, which augurs naught but doom & gloom for Team 138's prospects. Coach Harbaugh has a reputation as a quarterback whisperer, able to coax amazing performances out of average players, yet if this is so, why is Speight still so terrible, still deficient in precisely the same ways he always have been? Is young Wilton simply uncoachable? Also, why hasn't Harbaugh, now entering his third year as Michigan's scandalously overpaid head coach, been able to recruit any new & improved quarterback to displace the old & unimproved Speight?

I predict the valiant Wolverines will finish no better than third in the East Division of the B1G Conference, behind both the hated Buckeyes of Ohio State & the ferocious Nittany Lions of Penn State. This is not only a sorry state of affairs, it is quite simply unacceptable. I also fear the valiant Wolverines will fail to win ten games this season for the first time in Harbaugh's tenure. We are overrated at № 11 in the A.P. Poll, but even more so at № 9 in the Coaches' Poll. Doom, doom, doom.

Go Blue!