Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Victors

Thursday, 3 September 2015
(№ 24*) Utah 24-17 Michigan
0-1, B1G 0-0

The much-heralded Harbaugh era began with a thud. In a surprisingly close loss to a superior Pac-12 opponent, we looked every bit like a Brady Hoke club; I know that those are fighting words, but they accurately convey my experience of the loss. That said, the pain of the loss had the salutary benefit of lowering expectations for the Harbaugh era. I am not arguing that my fellow Michigan Wolverines & I should accustom ourselves to a "new normal" in which mediocrity is acceptable & good enough is good enough. Heaven forbid! We are Michigan & our proud tradition of excellence will accept nothing less than continued, or in this case a return to, excellence. Any season in which we do not win the Big Ten championship has be be viewed as a disappointment, a failure. That is & always must be the standard to which we hold ourselves. No, what I mean is that prior to the Utah contest many of expected unrealistic results from Coach Harbaugh & co. There has been messianic excitement about Harbaugh's coming, quite a sight to see in atheistic Ann Arbor, but also a sign of how desperate we Wolverines have become for success after three roller-coaster years under Rich Rod, four sinking years under Brady Hoke, & the reign of terror of Athletic Director/ultimate stereotypical corporate douchebag Dave Brandon. Expectations for Harbaugh were frankly out of control. Yes, many intellects acknowledged that rebuilding would be a slower process than any of us would like, but our hearts? Our stubborn hearts, so often burned & yet still so ready to love, our hearts told us that Harbaugh was a magical unicorn would would slay our enemies & restore our pride. The loss to the epithetless Utes was a needed cold shower.

None of which is to say that I'm in any way happy about our defeat. I'm furious! But in my fury I do have to acknowledge that despite all the frustrating setbacks & unforced errors, the margin of defeat was only seven points, on the road, to a ranked* club. The margin of defeat was one intercepted pass returned for a touchdown, what is today ubiquitously & irksomely called a "pick six." After all the poor tackling & bad passes & missed assignments, how did we only lose by seven on the road? Maybe progress is being made after all?

*This ranking is an anachronism, because the epithetless Utes were not ranked in the Top 25 in the preseason poll. Thus, they were not ranked № 24 'til after they beat us. That said, this sop to my vanity is not wholly inappropriate, because the preseason poll is guesswork, pure speculation; once games began to be played, Utah was recognized as one of the twenty-five best in the country, being ranked № 24 in the "Week 2" poll & № 21 in today's "Week 3" poll. So, I stand behind the claim that we lost to a Top 25 club.

Saturday, 12 September 2015
Michigan 35-7 Oregon State
1-1, B1G 0-0

The valiant Wolverines' victory over the epithetless Beavers of Oregon State, the second Pac-12 opponent in as many games, was the game we has been waiting for lo these many years. The valiant Wolverines ran all over them! Sure, sure, a teddy bear parade could have gashed O.S.U.'s (distinct from the hated Buckeyes of T.O.S.U. or the epithetless Cowboys of the other O.S.U., Oklahoma State) run defense, but that doesn't matter, because it was the valiant Wolverines who ran all over them! There are both rational & irrational reasons for this excitement. The rational excitement is that the valiant Wolverines have not had a running game since Denard "Shoelace" Robinson exhausted his N.C.A.A. eligibility & well as every defender who ever had to pursue him. Under Brady Hoke, we couldn't run even against paper tiger run defenses like Oregon State's. Progress!

On the other hand, graduate student transfer quarterback Jake Rudock continues to be a human turnover machine, accounting for a fumble & an interception against the epithetless Beavers after throwing three interceptions about the epithetless Utes. Even if we assign blame for two out of the three Utah turnovers to a freshman receiver who ran terrible routes (which is fair), Rudock still shoulders the blame for staring down his receivers & for terrible ball security in the backfield. Too harsh, you say? He's a third-year starter, for pity's sake! Yes, this is his first & only year in Ann Arbor, but before that he was a two-year starter in Iowa City. By this point in his career, if he doesn't know better, he never will. For my harsh critique of Rudock, I've been asked if I want to be address as "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy;" I replied that I am a "Rudoubter." This particular conversant's explanation for how Rudock would overcome his innate Rudock-ness? "Harbaugh, dude!" (Of course, many years ago, during a B.T.W. game of Risk, this same fellow tried to persuade me into the suicidal course of pursuing the Asian continental bonus. When I expressed my doubts about the solidness of his plan, his only reply was to raise his eyebrows hopefully & said, "But, Mike—Asia!" Bless him for his consistency.)

Speaking of "Harbaugh, dude!," the gripping hand that turned the Oregon State victory back into the happiest day for Michigan football in recent memory was Coach Harbaugh's first sideline tantrum. That beautiful madman erupted like Krakatoa! Oregon State's rugby-style punting bobbled the snap & ran out of the "tackle box" before finally kick the ball, which should have nullified any possibility for a roughing-the-kicker penalty, yet the valiant Wolverines were assessed a penalty for roughing the kicker, at which point Coach Harbaugh snapped. He stomped. He snarled. He drop-kicked his clipboard. It was the sideline tantrum we'd all been eager awaiting since the glorious news of Harbaugh's improbable hiring. Rich Rod was often agitated on the sideline, but that was always exasperation. Hoke was often agitated on the sideline, but that was frustration, later tinged with resignation. Harbaugh was boiling over with righteous fury. Praise the Lord & pass the salt & vinegar potato chips! Burns so good! Not only is Jim Harbaugh a winner with an envious track record of success in both college & the No Fun League, but Jim Harbaugh brings the crazy. The most frequently used word to describe his coaching style is "intense." This is a euphemism for "bat-guano crazy," meant in the best possible way. Jim Harbaugh is Bruce Wayne staring down the Joker in Vicky Vale's apartment in Tim Burton's Batman, wielding a fireplace poker against men bearing firearms & shouting, "You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts!" Nobody out-crazies the Harbaugh! You can't out-Harbaugh Harbaugh! It can't be done! HARBAUGH! After the game, all Coach Harbaugh said was that he'd like an explanation for the ruling on the field. "Harbaugh, dude!"

For the first time in a long time, even if Oregon State is predicted to be one of the weakest clubs in the Pac-12 Conference, the valiant Wolverines looked like the valiant Wolverines of old, the valiant Wolverines almost of myth & legend after lo these seven years of anguish. Despite my Rudoubts & paltry appraisal of Oregon State, the fact is that I came away from the victory smiling from ear to ear. I don't know if I'd been so happy since the ugly Sugar Bowl victory in January '12, at the end of Hoke's first season, & even that most due as much as anything to Shoelace's brilliant improvisational play. There is optimism afoot throughout the Wolverine Nation. There is hope, or at least the hope that there is hope.

Next: The epithetless Rebels of U.N.L.V., the University of Nevada, Las Vegas at the "Big House," Michigan Stadium, Saturday at noon. U.N.L.V.? What deluded imbecile put together this schedule? Oh, right, the devil Dave Brandon. I am outraged that the valiant Wolverines are not playing a club based in the Eastern Time Zone 'til the start of conference play. Truly, nothing is sacred in college football.

Go Blue!

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