Saturday, February 14, 2015

Operation AXIOM: Be My Anti-Valentine

This has been said before, but it bears repeated so that I am not misunderstood: I am not opposed to romantic love (eros). I am not opposed to so-called romantic gestures, such as the gifting of flowers or jewelry. My opposition is the ritualization of Valentine's Day, the fetishization of heart-shaped boxes of candy, the avaricious commercialism that claims true affection can be expressed only through (1) the gifting of precious gemstones set in ornaments wrought from precious metals &/or (2) animalistic rutting. I am opposed to a culture that mistakes lust for love, a culture that utterly fails to understand God's gift of sexuality. I am opposed to red hearts & pink bunting & bow-&-arrow-wielding puttos persistently, maddeningly misidentified as "Cupid." I love love, which is why I hate, hate, hate Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day '14, Part I, Part II, & Part III

Valentine's Day '13 | Valentine's Day '12

Valentine's Day '11 | Valentine's Day '10

Valentine's Day '09 | Valentine's Day '08

Valentine's Day '07 | Valentine's Day '06

Valentine's Day '05 | Valentine's Day '04

The Rebel Black Dot Anti-Valentine's Song of Valentine's Day
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "You Don't Love Me Anymore" from Off the Deep End (T.L.A.M.)


"We been together for so very long,
But now things are changing, oh, I wonder what's wrong,
Seems you don't want me around,
The passion is gone and the flame's died down.
I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team.
You used to think I was nice,
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist.

"Oh, why did you disconnect the brake son my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore.
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore.

"I knew that we were havin' problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again.
You're still the light of my life,
Oh, darlin', I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?
You know I even think it's kind of cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day.
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down the elevator shaft.

"Oh, if you don't mind me asking,
What's this poisonous cobra doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I get to thinkin' you don't love me anymore.

"You slammed my face down on the barbeque grille,
Now my scars are all healing but my heart never will.
You set my house on fire.
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers.
Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap,
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep,
You drilled a hole in my head,
Then dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead.

Oh, you know this isn't really like you at all,
You never acted this way before.
Honey, something tells me you don't love me anymore.
Oh no, no, got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore."

No comments: