I know that the paramount goal of the post-Second World War division of Germany into the Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) and the German Democratic Republic (East Germany) was to once and for all break the Germans of the philosophy of militarism that compelled them to try to conquer the earth every twenty-odd years, and I agree with that laudable goal, but this makes me wonder if perhaps we haven't taken the pacification of Germany too far. I mean, the whole German nation can't overcome one unusually ferocious bear? They need to bring in the Finns to do their dirty work? Sweet sauerkraut, that's ridiculous.

Science!
Science isn't just for us go-go Reaganauts in the West, the power of science can be harnessed for the betterment of all Mankind. Hyperlink! I scoff at the hippies you call themselves "citizens of the world," but the Almighty commands that we are all brothers, and that we should treat each other as brothers; so, we're all in this together. Science saves lives! Science!

The Second Best Hyperlink of All Time
I mean no offense to the Sardine, but I did already declare Steeze's IMDB profile the best hyperlink of all time. Still, second best OF ALL TIME is pretty darned impressive. Congratulations, Sardine!

Science!: Special Eurotrash Edition
Hyperlink! This sounds really cool... if this one can avoid ending up as a skidmark across the Martian landscape like the last European Space Agency lander. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Meanwhile, while the Europeans probots aren't good for much more than cratering the surface of the Red Planet, NASA's Spirit and Opportunity are still merrily roving to and fro two years after their safe landings. Opportunity and Spirit were designed to have an operational life of 90 days, yet here we are with M2K4 having become M2K6.

America. Fuck yeah.

I spent nearly the entire weekend, and this morning, too, helping my brother move his possessions out of his apartment in Ann Arbor. Pretty much everything that could go wrong did, including having two - count 'em two - vehicles break down on us and being thwarted in several attempts to access the mini-storage compartment our parents had rented. As if moving wasn't already hard enough. Two observations: a) great day in the morning, there's nothing else I loathe quite like moving. b) When the Mountain quits Ann Arbor in just a few days it will mark the first time the city has been without either myself or one of my siblings in residence since the fall of 1994.

Moving. Feh.

This was originally intended to be a much larger post, but it just sort of got lost in the shuffle. So, here are some hyperlinks. Enjoy... or else.

The War on Terror
Canada

Britain

Awesome Forces!
The Mountain of Love and I, acting under our Aqua Cadet codenames of Alphaman and Captain Thumbs-Up, respectively, saw The Aquabats!, the last great American band, in concert in Cincinnati, Ohio, on Monday night. It was wicked cool. The show was beyond awesome and we received a number of compliments on our Aqua Cadet uniforms. I've seen The Aquabats! live a total of five times and Monday's show was Alphaman's third rock show, yet Monday was the first time we were both able to attend in full Cadet regalia: Anti-Negativity Helmets, masks, belts, rashguards, shorts, official Aquabats! socks, and Adidas sneakers (his were regulation Gazelles, mine were Sambas).

The current line-up of The Aquabats!
The MC Bat Commander! - vox, showmanship
Crash McLarson! - bass
Jimmy the Robot! - keyboards, saxophone
Ricky Fitness! - drums
and
Eagle "Bones" Falconhawk! - guitar (newer!)

Yesterday morning, I heard a radio advertisement that stated Terry Gross's guest on Fresh Air would be Hans Blix. All I could think of was the Kim Jong Il marionatte saying, "Hans Brix? Oh, no!"

Pop Quiz
Quick! Which was of greater historical importance, the Siege of Malta in 1565 or the Battle of Lepanto in 1571?

"I have riden the mighty Moon worm!"

Once again, the annual Memorial Day weekend camping trip - also known as the 4th Annual Memorial Day Camping BONANZA - was spendiferous. A good time was had by all... except for the Mountain of Love and the Buckeye, who were so disgusted with the non-houselike features of the camping life that they left before dinner on Sunday. Then again, if anyone - specifically either the Guy or the Mountain - had asked me, I could have told them that the Mountain would not have enjoyed camping. Still, it is always nice to see him for whatever time is possible.

The Camping Bonanza gang are an often infuriating group of people, but I absolutely love these weekends and each of them is integral to the experience. To quote Less Than Jake, "I wouldn't have it any other way." I'm so glad the Guy invited me to go camping that first time two years ago.

Coming soon to the Secret base, a new feature, "Deep in the Heart." What's it all about? It's coming soon; so, you'll have to wait to find out until "soon" becomes "now." Cue the Spaceballs discussion on the nature of "now" and "then."

Too Lazy to Bloggy Blog, So Here Are Some Links
Hyperlink! One clear sign the situation has, shall we say, "deteriorated" is when the drug-running Somali warlords are the good guys (or at least the less bad guys).

Hyperlink II! Feast your heretical eyes on this, you Protestant bastards. The Roman Catholic Church: we've got 100% more Pope than any other religion.

Hyperlink III! My favorite part of the Enron trial was Lay's defense, "I was an executive for a Fortune 500 company. Why would you expect me to know anything about how to run a business?"

Hyperdrivelink! Science! Or at least quasi-science!

The Oath of Narwhal Day
The narwhal is a noble, pitiable creature.
A magnificent, monstrous visage.
An asymmetrical tooth for a horn,
Or sometimes two, or sometimes none,
Half again as long as the beast.

I swear my sympathy for the narwhal.
I will not lie and convince it all is well,
But I will be a friend to the narwhal.
The mocking dolphins and snobby manatees
Will get their well-earned comeuppance,
And the narwhal will froic all day.

I dream this dream of the narwhal
And celebrate it in all its improbable, oddball glory,
On this the sixth Narwhal Day.


The narwhal (Monodon monoceros), alternately spelled narwal or narwhale, is nature's most gloriously ill-conceived creatures. Here is a hyperlink to the Wikipedia entry on these fantabulous beasts and here is a hyperlink to an image of the wicked cool coat-of-arms of the autonomous Canadian Inuit territory of Nunavut.

I'm wearing my gray "narwhal" T-shirt, I've recited the Oath of Narwhal Day, and I'm listening to "Sympathy for the Narwhal" by DJ Seaghost. For the rest of the day, I'm going to try to keep the narwhal in mind, contemplating the plight of these majestic monsters. Happy Narwhal Day!

Hitler's Victory
Hyperlink! Given the active participation of the West German government in aiding the "escape" of the surviving Palestinian terrorists in the aftermath of the 1972 Munich Olympics, I don't think one can overstate the danger the German populace poses to non-whites and non-Christians. The Germans are as hateful and anti-Semitic today as they've ever been, except during the Nazi period, they've just gotten better at hiding it in the last sixty years.

Remembers, kids, in the midst of enlightened discourse it is important to not confuse the Jacobites with the Jacobins. Feel free to confuse the issue whilest in unenlightened discourse since your fellows will have heard of neither the Jacobins nor the Jacobites.

That sound you hear is Bonnie Prince Charlie rolling in his grave.

The Kings of England
Sweet mercy, I love making lists. Courtesy of the fine folks at Netflix, I have been watching a British documentary series titled A History of Britain. Thusly inspired, I have deigned to learn the order of the monarchs of England (and later Great Britain, later still the British Empire, and even later yet back to just Great Britain) from the Norman Conquest in A.D. 1066 to the present day (and beyond). I've been able to list the Presidents of the United States since eighth grade; so, we shall see if my remembrance of the kings and queens shall have such longevity.

Those in parentheses never actually ruled over anything.

William the Conqueror (I)
William II
Henry I
Stephen
(Matilda)
Henry II
Richard the Lionheart (I)
John
Henry III
Edward I
Edward II
Edward III
Richard II
Henry IV
Henry V
Henry VI
Edward IV
(Edward V)
Richard III
Henry VII
Henry VIII
Edward VI
Mary I
(Jane)
Elizabeth I
James I
Charles I
Interregnum
Charles II
James II
William III & Mary II
Anne
George I
George II
George III
George IV
William IV
Victoria
Edward VII
George V
Edward VIII
George VI
Elizabeth II
~Charles III (His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales)
~William V (His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales)

Five hundred years ago today, the Admiral of the Ocean Sea died. As I and almost all of my friends are Americans of European ancestry, citizens of a country that should debatably be called the United States of Columbia, we owe an eternal debt to Christopher Columbus. No matter how lost he may have been, regardless of where he thought he had landed, for all practical intents and purposes the Admiral discovered this glorious New World in which we reside. There would be no America without Columbus's journeys.

Thank you, Admiral, and may you rest in peace with the Lord.

The Force Will Be With You... Always
Today is the first anniversary of the theatrical release of Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. Thank you so very much Mr. Lucas.

Not coincidentally, today is also the seventh anniversary of the theatrical release of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. It is so difficult now to imagine a world without the prequel trilogy. Tempus fugit.

Vindication for Arsenal!
Aresenal didn't lose the Champions League final, the ref threw the game! I call shenanigans! Barcelona didn't beat Arsenal, the referee handed them the match on a silver platter! I knew it. I think I would have preferred it if the douchebag had refused to admit his mistake. It's kicking a man when he's down, "Oh, by the way, you were right, I made a mistake. But the mistake stands and you guys still lost. Ha!" At least if he had steadfastly refused to admit the error we Arsenal supporters would have been able to point to the unrecognized injustice for decades to come. He robbed us of first the title and now our righteous bitterness. Rat bastard.

Arsenal: the true champions of the Champions League. Go Gunners!

The Hyper Bowl of Hyperbole?
Rcently, I descended for the first time into the dark and shameful world of internet message boards. I joined the boards of the comic book site Newsarama to respond to a story about an upcoming travesty from DC Comics, the twelve-issue limited series The Trials of Shazam!, written by hack extraordinaire Judd Winick (Boo! Hiss! Get the hook!). Here is my post:

From Green Lantern (Kyle's series) to Green Arrow to Titans/Young Justice: Graduation Day to the utter wastes of time that were "Lightning Strikes Twice" and Superman/Shazam: First Thunder, Judd Winick has never failed to disappoint. The only good news is that The Trials of Shazam! is a limited series; so, in August '07 a competent writer can start thinking of ways to rehabilitate Captain Marvel and undo all of the damage Winick is going to do.

Thank the comic gods Marvel Family fans will have Jeff Smith's forthcoming Shazam!: Monster Society of Evil to get us through the long night of Winick's reign of terror.

To my surprise, the site administrator soon felt it necessary to us my post as an example of an inappropriate comment. Here are his two cents on the matter, including a quoted passage from my post:

Originally Posted by Mike Wilson
....undo all of the damage Winick is going to do.

Thank the comic gods Marvel Family fans will have Jeff Smith's forthcoming Shazam!: Monster Society of Evil to get us through the long night of Winick's reign of terror.

alright - it's been going along fine, but can we keep the hyperbole far beow this level?

MattB

I can only presume he meant to write "...keep the hyperbole far below this level?"

My brother introduces me to his friends by saying, "This is The Last Angry Man." And 'tis true. I make no apologies for being right when so many others are so completely and obviously wrong. I make no apologies for being certain when others doubt. I do apologize, quite often, for hurting my friends, both unintentionally and, though less frequent, intentionally, as I have regrettably been known to do. (Thanks for putting up with me, gang!) I am now going to compare myself to God by saying I am what I am, though like the Bard's Iago, it could also be said of me that I am not what I am.

The point being, I'm so used to be so right so much of the time that I'm a terrible judge of when I have or have not gone too far. So, I ask you to come to my aid, my friends. Am I in the wrong in this instance? Were my remarks unacceptably intemperant? Or is the moderator, Matt "MattB" Brady, the prig I initially assumed him to be? I will be most grateful to any and all who leave their most frank assessments in the comments section. Thank you.

As a separate issue, why is it that people are allowed to make wildly, hopelessly, indefensibly positive claims about those things they support, but negative remarks are so often censored and supressed in the name of decorum? Aren't ridiculously uncritical endorsements just as offensive as ridiculously unjust condemnations?

The Magic of Shazam!
I've been thinking of introducing a good Venusian worm in the aftermath of Mr. Mind's massive invasion (using zombie Venusian worms) in "The Conqueror Worm" (MOS! nos. 75-79), but I never had an appealing name for a character who is, essentially, Mr. Mind's good twin. Ms. Mind? No, the worms of Venus appear to be asexual. Mr. Mental? Mr. Brain? Master Mind? And then I had it! Mr. Mind versus... Doctor Worm! Bog below, how did I not think of that sooner? Thanks, They Might Be Giants!

"I'm interested in things..."

Dead Nazi
The weekend before last, the Mountain of Love arrived home while I was watching Downfall, a German film about life inside Hitler's bunker in Berlin during the very last days of the Third Reich. He remarked that I watched a lot of films about the Nazis and the Holocaust. He was in no way criticizing, merely making an observation. And he was right. Here then is a list of the movies I have seen about the Nazis and the Holocaust courtesy of Netflix.

Of all the movies I've seen about the Second World War - such as The Longest Day, A Bridge Too Far, Stalag 17, and The Young Lions - many include the Wehrmacht and the SS, but I am only including those that specifically deal with the Holocaust or the inner workings of the Nazi state. I am also including The Believer, a movie about a contemporary Jewish Neo-Nazi.

Even if based on actual events, all films are fictional unless otherwise noted.

Swing Kids
Triumph of the Will (propaganda documentary)
Downfall
Blind Spot: Hitler's Secretary (documentary)
Stalingrad
Uprising
Out of the Ashes
Europa Europa
The Grey Zone
Conspiracy
Max
The Boys From Brazil
The ODESSA File
The Desert Fox
The Believer

This past weekend, my parents and I saw a film at the Flint Institute of Arts, Sophie Scholl: The Last Days, about the White Rose non-violent resistance "movement" (though really it was the size of a gang, not a movement) in wartime Germany.

Spy Smasher
One of my favorite recurring characters from The Magic of Shazam! is Spy Smasher (Avi Ducret), an Israeli mystery man on a lifelong globetrotting battle against the forces of violent anti-Semitism, specifically the underground Nazi terrorist network, ODESSA. Captain Marvel, and the audience, are first introduced to Spy Smasher in "The ODESSA File" (MOS! nos. 14-17) when Avi comes to Fawcett City to thwart an ODESSA operation to liberate Captain Nazi, imprisoned since the sobering events of "Kristallnacht" (MOS! nos. 11-12). Cap and Spy Smasher will forge an alliance, assisting each other in "Man of Science" (MOS! nos. 22-25), "V for Vengeance" (or "V for Vergeltungswaffe," in either event MOS! nos. 38-40), and the just-over-a-year-long saga of "The Red and the Black" and "From Here to the Rock of Eternity" (MOS! nos. 45-50 and 53-58), and beyond.

I've also got a couple of ideas for Spy Smasher miniseries, encompassing further battles against the superpowered agents of ODESSA; the Israeli terrorist group the Zealots, of which Avi was a member before he became the Spy Smasher; a fanatical Russian Neo-Nazi who calls himself The Amalekite; and even some "run-of-the-mill" jihadist al-Qaeda-type terrorists. (If he spends all of his time fighting terrorists, why is he called Spy Smasher? Why not Terrorist Smasher? Because Spy Smasher was a Golden Age superhero and "Terrorist Smasher" is stupid.) I have ideas, in various stages of development, for the following miniseries:

Spy Smasher: Operation Paperclip
Spy Smasher: Goliath
Spy Smasher: The Boys From Brazil

And the more lighthearted one-shot The Spy Smasher Christmas Special, featuring Avi in costume scolding, "I'm Jewish, you #&*@!," on the cover.

The Other Dead Nazi
The Official Beer of The Last Angry Man: Guinness
The Official Summer Beer of The Last Angry Man: Red Stripe
The Official Shot of The Last Angry Man: Dead Nazi
The Official Cocktail of The Last Angry Man: I don't drink that fruity garbage. Cowboy the hell up and have a pint.

Anti-Americanism: Lies, Damned Lies, and the News
There's no excuse for the booing of "O Canada" by San Jose Sharks fans before Sunday's loss to the Edmonton Oilers in Game 5 of the Western Conference semi-final series. I wish we could locate the jingoistic bastards who booed so that they might be tarred and feathered and left for dead in the wilderness of the Yukon Territory.

But until we can catch them and tar and feather them, what I want to know is this: on Friday, before Game 4 in Edmonton, Oilers fans booed during "The Star-Spangled Banner." Why did ESPN and the Flint Journal only mention this as a sidenote to the story about San Jose fans booing "O Canada"? I read the sports section of the admittedly awful Flint Journal every single day of the week; so, why nothing about the Edmonton booing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" in Saturday's paper? Or Sunday's? Why did Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption, the former being a subsidiary of the latter, not even mention the booing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" during their coverage of the "O Canada" booing? Why wasn't the despicable Canadian booing of the American national anthem given equal time with the despicable American booing of the Canadian national anthem?

Because reporters hates America, that's why. Probably not, actually, but it would certainly explain the lackadaisical attitude of the American press toward the abuse of "The Star-Spangled Banner."

What the Fuck?
Also, seriously, what the fuck is going on in Brazil? WTF? The largest city in Brazil is being overrun by criminal gangs? Not political rebels, but a criminal gang? This is like something out of a movie. Specifically an '80s action movie set in a fictional dystopian 1990s, like RoboCop or Escape From New York.

"Neutrality has increasingly become an obsolete and, except under very exceptional circumstances, it is an immoral and shortsighted conception."
--John Foster Dulles, June 9, 1955

"What makes a man turn neutral?"
--Zapp Brannigan, "Brannigan, Begin Again"

"Let the universe howl in despair for I have returned."

--Darkseid, "Alive!" Justice League Unlimited episode no. 38

I meant to mention this at the beginning of the week, but it continually slipped my mind until I harnessed the mnemonic power of the 3M sticky note: one sure sign that summertime, if not yet Summer itself, is upon us is the transition of the beer advertisements during Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption from Guinness to Red Stripe. I have long extolled the virtues of Guinness, but it is an undeniable truth that it is not a warm weather beer. Where would we be as a civilization without the yellow sticky note?

"Revenge" of the Dead Wings
More good news out of the Stanley Cup playoffs, or at least as good as any news can be since the noble Detroit Red Wings were unceremoniously defeated by the upstart Edmonton Oilers, the hated Colorado Avalanche(s) were swept by the formerly laughable Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. At this hour, the villainous New Jersey Devils appear to be well on the road to victory over the annoying but not loathesome Carolina Hurricanes, thereby avoiding a four-game sweep. Yet, National Hockey League history suggests that the Devils' chances of overcoming the Hurricanes' 3-1 series lead are quite slim. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

As you may have gleaned, I subscribe to the Ambrose Bierce theory of happiness.

Red Star Over India*
Comrade Hyperlinkov! Capitalist communists doing well in Indian state elections... Maoist rebels in Nepal... in the name of John Foster Dulles, are the people in South Asia even paying attention? The Cold War is over! And guess what? Communism (as original flavor Marxism, Marxism-Leninism, Stalinism, Maoism, and whatever -ism the Khmer Rouge used to justify their crimes against humanity) lost! The Soviet Union is kaput, consigned to the dustbin of history along with Nazism, Fascism, and the notion that France is a global power. North Korea has been reduced to bullying the aid workers who are trying to feed its starving people. China and Vietnam are increasingly less poor (not yet wealthy) only because they've enthusiastically embraced the Japanese/South Korean model of export-based economic growth. Communism is, was, and forevermore shall remain a bad idea. You chumps are arguing on the wrong side of history. Of course, I guess that's what chumps do, isn't it? That's what makes them chumps. *scoff* Chumps.

Lies, Damned Lies, and the News
*A reference of course to Edgar Snow's infamous Red Star Over China, another fine piece of objective journalism from the American press. Supposedly, the book is a journalistic account of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party in the years of the Yan'an Period following the Long March. In actuality, it is a hack job by the leftist fellow-traveller Snow, a fawning love-letter to Mao and the Communists, adoringly praising their virtues and downplaying or outright denying the horrific and arbitrary violence they inflicted on anyone who didn't want to be a Communist. Egdar Snow, may he rot in hell, made Dan Rather and Bill O'Reilly look like newsmen of the highest integrity. I can't think of anything more insulting than saying someone is lower than Bill fucking O'Reilly, yet even that is better than Edgar Snow deserves.

Ink Anniversary
Four years ago today, a cocksure twenty-two-year-old The Last Angry Man and Never Girl (soon to be Mrs. Sacramento) walked into Ann Arbor's S&C Tattoo, uninked for the last time. A few hours later, my left forearm was sporting a black skull-and-crossbones. Every once in a while I still look down and marvel, "Holy wow, I've got a tattoo! Neat." I love my tattoo. My one regret is that I waited so long past the one-year tattoo/piercing prohibition before I started making regular blood donations. But, I don't have a time machine; so, all I can do is donate every fifty-six days when the ARC calls me. But I disgress.

I love my tattoo.

Comrade Hyperlinkov! In Soviet Russia... (***insert your own procreation joke here***)!

U.S.A! U.S.A!
Hyperlink! What better way to accept a compliment than with some good old-fashioned chest thumping? Another thing I like about Matt Frei: dear Bog, that man looks angry.

The Mountain of Love gave me Less Than Jake's new Absolution for Idiots and Addicts EP. It's only eleven minutes long (it is an EP, after all); so, I've been listening to it over and over and over and over again. At the risk of sounding like Daddy Dylweed during his long wait for Pearl Jam's latest p.o.s., you may consider my appetite for LTJ's forthcoming album, In With the Out Crowd, thoroughly whetted.

U.N.surprised
Hyperlink! Among the member-states of the UN's shiny new Human Rights Council: Cuba (undemocratic), where there is only one political party and those with HIV/AIDS are locked away without any due process; China (undemocratic), where there is only one political party and countless tens of thousands of politicla prisoners have simply disappeared from the face of the earth; Pakistan (undemocratic), where Osama bin Laden makes his home and A.Q. Khan is a national hero; Saudi Arabia (undemocratic), where women can be imprisoned for leaving the house unescorted by a male relative and Filipino guest workers are forbidden from practicing Christianity even while they form the backbone of the Saudi economy; and Russia (democratic!), whose population never met a Serbian war crime they didn't applaud and whose army has been unspeakably brutal in Chechnya. The new and "improved" Human Rights Council, just as sick a joke as the old Human Rights Commission.

From the Earth to the Moon
Hyperlink 2! India is the world's most populous democracy, America is the world's most powerful democracy. There is absolutely no reason why the Republic of India and the United States of America should not become the best of friends. On top of producing nifty devices to ease everyday living and revealing mind-blowing truths about the world around us, science also creates camaraderie. Science!

The Magic of Shazam!
I have a story in which Captain Marvel and Spy Smasher once again join forces to thwart ODESSA's latest scheme, this time a direct attack on Israel. They have precious few details when they begin, save that a latter day V-weapon is to be used to destroy the Jewish State. All along, I've been calling this story, which is scheduled to run after "Manhunters Are From Mars, Worms Are From Venus" in the late 30s, "V for Vengeance," but now I kind of want to go whole hog and call it "V for Vergeltungswaffe" (the "V" in the V1 buzz bomb and V2 proto-ICBM). I love "V for Vengeance," but I kind of really want to use "V for Vergeltungswaffe."

Vergeltungswaffe, panzerkampfwagon... what I hate about German is exactly what I love about German.

Wonder Woman
You know I love science and I know I love science, but I've noticed a recurring theme in my stories: evil scientists who attempt to destroy magic-based heroes to demonstrate the supremacy of science over magic. Along these lines, I've been thinking about a foe to go toe-to-toe with Wonder Woman, every bit her physical and mental equal, Nike (after the Greek goddess of victory, whose name is pronounced NEE-kuh, not Ni-KEE like the show company). And at present the vile Jack Ajax is a completely science-based villain. I've working on a couple different angles for Nike's origin; so, nothing is set in stone.

Just to balance the science versus magic scales, I'll have to have an MOS! character, Dexter Knox - Boy Scientist, defeat a few sorcerers and such to reaffirm my loyalty to science. Science!

My Time Among the Vampires
It was a rather unremarkable old time at the American Red Cross, I'd just like to take this opportunity to urge each fo you to go donate blood... now! Run, don't walk!

Mission Impossible III
Well, it's official. J.J. Abrams is in charge of Star Trek XI ergo Star Trek XI is going to suck my assballs.

"Revenge" of the Dead Wings
So far, the only good news to come out of the NHL playoffs is that the hated Calgary Flames have been eliminated by the *snicker* Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. I would have counted the elimination/humiliation of the New York Rangers as a plus, except that it meant the advancement of the equally loathesome New Jersey Devils; so, it's a wash. It would take a better man than me to resist saying that the Flames were extinguished by the Ducks. Can I get a rimshot?

The Vatican and the Great Wall
Hyperlink. Of course, given the puppetish nature of the Chinese Patriotic Catholic Association, all it's members are out of communion with the Holy Mother Church, but official excommunication is still a punishment rightly to be feared. Denial of the Eucharist and the other Sacraments? I hate to even think about it.

Of course, that ties in to what I've never understood about Protestantism. What is the point of sacrificial bread if it is just bread and not the Body of Christ? What is the point of Sunday "services" if the minister is just another married guy with a mortgage and bratty kids and not an ordained priest of the one true Church?

But, we can re-fight the Reformation another day. For now the point remains that, just like those heretical "Catholics," Mel Gibson being the most famous example, who deny the authority of the Second Vatican Council, the "Catholics" in the PRC-sponsored church aren't really Catholic, anyway, since they don't acknowledge the primacy of the Bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI. So, in their case excommunication seems more a recognition of reality than a sanction.

And the World Cried "Never Again!" Again
Hyperlink. "Stark warning"? "Pressure"? What in the hell does that mean? The United States, the United Kingdom, the United Nations, the European Union, and the African Union have all proven themselves unwilling to take any action to actually stop the genocide; so, what, exactly, is Khartoum's motive to rein in their lackeys in the janjaweed? And make no mistake, the jihadist janjaweed are exactly as beholden to the Sudanese government as the Bosnian Serb rape brigades and death squads were beholden to the late, unlamented Slobodan Milosevic during the Bosnian civil war. The only thing that will stop the slaughter in Darfur is U.S. military intervention or an African Union force (primarily Nigerian) with some teeth and a U.N. mandate to use them.

African Crime Blotter
Hyperlink 2. Hee hee, they slipped away during lunch. I guess the South African judicial system is based on the honor system? That would certainly explain a lot of what I saw in the film Stander.

Countdown to Sympathy
One item I neglected to note yesterday: May 2 means that we are only three weeks away from everyone's favorite cetacean-based holiday, Narwhal Day. This Narwhal Day promises to be the biggest and bestest yet; so, take care to make your Narwhal Day reservations today. May 23 is coming!

Nauts and Naught II
Now that I have studied the etymology of the word "juggernaut," I am pleased that I did not include it alongside Argonauts, astronaut, cosmonaut, psychonaut, aeronaut, and Reaganaut. Juggernaut is derived not from some kind of sailors on a Jugger (or a ship, the Jugger), but from the Sanskirt word "Jagannath," which has an altogether different meaning than the English suffix -naut.

In your face, Ki-El! ^_-

The Vatican and the Great Wall
Why does the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) still hold an iron grip on power in the People's Republic of China (PRC) despite the wildly capitalistic reality of the PRC's economy? Why is the CCP secure in its imperium a decade and a half after the grandpappy of them all, the Communist Party of the Soviet Union (CPSU), went the way of the dodo? Because the CCP is wily, as in this case: hyperlink! Hmmm, who can we oppress the practice of Christianity in China yet largely deflect international criticism? I know, we'll co-opt "Catholicism" for our own purposes! Thus was born the Patriotic Chinese Catholic Association. To the bitter end, the CPSU believed that religion was the opiate of the people and thwarted, terrorized, and interdicted the Russian Orthodox Church accordingly. One would think that, given China's history on the subject, the CCP would be more sensitve to "opium" allusions, but loyal reds though Mao Zedong, Zhou Enlai, Liu Shaoqi, and Deng Xioaping were, a proper reading of the history of the PRC requires an understanding that the CCP was always Chinese first and foremost, and Communist a distant second. Thus, while the rigidly dogmatic CPSU is now a memory the more adroit CCP has found religion and lived to fight another day. I wonder what specifically it is about Falun Gong that boils the blood of the technocrats of the CCP when they have shown such great willingness to "accommodate" the Catholic Church? Huh.

The heretical sham of the Patriotic Chinese Catholic Association is quite ingenious, but the Chinese Communist Party, for all it's wiles and cleverness, would do well to remember that the Roman Catholic Church is not without cunning.

Also, the Bishop of Hong Kong is properly addressed not as "Cardinal Joseph Zen," as in the BBC article, but as Joseph Cardinal Zen. (Lousy anti-Catholic Brits.) Cardinal Zen's name is not quite as much fun as that of the late Jaime Cardinal Sin, Archbishop of Manila, but it's close.

The Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free
As a statist and a law and order type, I am absolutely opposed to giving all the illegal immigrants currently in the U.S. an automatic amnesty. But the idea of deporting 12,000,000 people is ludicrous. Surely, a symbolically substantial but not overly burdensome fine and a waiting period before becoming eligible for citizenship are viable solutions to the late unpleasantness. But as pro-immigrant as I am, yesterday's May Day "boycott" perturbed me greatly. The whole enterprise reeks of economic blackmail, and no one likes to be blackmailed. I cannot see any way these massive demonstrations don't play directly into the hands of the conservatives who support the most draconian immigration reforms.

Gay marriage is the right and moral way to go, but in 2004 Mayor Gavin Newsome of San Francisco undoubtedly aided President Bush's reelection (a good end achieved through less than ideal means). Massive demonstrations by illegal immigrants can only help enact the wrong kind of immigration reform.

Mayday! Mayday!
Happy May Day, you commie bastards! For those of you who celebrated May Day as the traditional rite of spring, I wish you loveliness and joy. For those of you who celebrated May Day as the festival of international socialist and labor solidarity, I wish you failure and misery. Death to the "dictatorship of the proletariate"! Long live the free market! Long live capitalism!

No Oracle at Delphi
My father, the Goldbricker, work for Delphi Corporation, the bankrupt auto parts supplier that, as AC, used to be a division of General Motors. As Delphi reduces its workforce through attrition and early retirement/buyout packages, there is a potential need for temporary workers to help the company transition to its leaner future self. As a Delphi employee, the Goldbricker has the opportunity to recommend two individuals to fill those temporary positions. Among the employments requirements is a drug test. As I am applying to be amongthe temporary workers, the Goldbricker asked me if I'd pass the drug test. Seriously. He wasn't kidding.

Once I recovered from the shock of even being asked, I was filled with a warm and fuzzy sensation. In a way, it's kind of nice to know that the Goldbricker knows so very little about me. To even ask if I'm a pothead/crackhead/meth freak/drug fiend-of-any-stripe, my father must not know me at all. Given the racist, sexist monster he has devolved into these past few years, I'm quite pleased to be such a mystery to him. Three cheers for family.

Return of the Dead Wings
The Detroit Red Wings are going to be eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs by the lowly Edmonton Oilers. Even if the Wings manage, by some miracle, to force a Game 7, we all know how this debacle is going to end. Before the playoffs, I said that my biggest concern about the Wings was Manny Legace, the goaltender. Soft as Legace's goaltending has been, it would be on overstately to say his play has been sieve-like. Still, the primary blame for this disaster should not rest on Manny, but rather on Pavel Datsyuk.

In his career with the Detroit Red Wings, Pavel Datsyuk has scored exactly three goals in the playoffs, all during the 2002 playoffs, the ultimate result of which was Detroit's third Stanley Cup in six years. In the 2003 playoffs, he scored zero goals. In the 2004 playoffs, he scored zero goals. There were no 2005 playoffs. In the 2006 playoffs, which are not yet technically concluded, he has scored zero goals. For the 2005-06 season, Datsyuk was paid $3,900,000, 1/10th of the Wings' entire payroll. One full tenth of the payroll, and he hasn't scored one mother-lovin' goal; that would be fine if the s.o.b. was the blasted goalie, but he's a forweard. At least, in theory he's a forward. From his play on the ice, he might be the NHL's first official observer.

Speaking of goaltenders, Manny Legace is the league's best backup goalie. The problem for the Wings is that they have Legace in the starting positon. If the organization had not squandered a tenth of the payroll on Datsyuk (and since he's useless inthe playoffs, G.M. Ken Holland would have been just as well off burning that $4 million inside an effigy of Patrick Roy), they would have been able to afford a quality goaltender and hung on to Legace as the best back up in the NHL. Instead, Mike Ilitch is paying outrageous sums of money to Pavel Datsyuk for absolutely nothign in return and the NHL's new salary cap does not leave sufficient funds to sign a goaltender capable of dealing with the pressure of the playoffs.

The Red Wings have exited the playoffs in either the first or seconds rounds in each of the three seasons since winning the Stanley Cup in 2002, despite posting three excellent records in the regular season. Fortunately, as a lifelong Detroit Lions fan, I am well prepared to deal with such routine failure: There's always next year....

Honolulu Blue Forever
Speaking of the Lions, I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for new head coach Rod Marinelli. Reading his comments about yesterday's NFL draft, the poor beggar doesn't seem to have realized that he's compeltely and irrevocably doomed. Or maybe it has dawned upon him and he's just in denial. Hmmm. Either way, he really is doomed. Matt Millen is still in charge of the Lions; so, the entire organization is still doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed.

In the hilarious words of Dr. Hee-Haw, "I'm doomed."

Wonder Woman
I have very strong opinions, but I am also a highly impressionable person. I've recently read the first three collections of George Perez's post-Crisis relaunch of Wonder Woman: Gods and Mortals, Challenge of the Gods, and Beauty and the Beasts. (The fourth, Destiny Calling, is to be released in June.) As a result, I have been thinking about what stories I'd like to tell should I ever have the opportunity to write Wonder Woman.

Among my all-time, desert island top five favorite books is Mythology by Edith Hamilton; so, anything I'd write for the Amazing Amazon would be as rooted as possible in the mythology of the ancient Greeks. That said, the Gods of Olympus and many other bits and pieces of Hellenic mythology have already been featured in past runs on Wonder Woman. Frustrating as it might be, I'd feel honorbound to be more attentive to the DC version of a particular Greek myth than the historical version.

Early ideas include "The Antikythera Mechanism" about an ancient clockwork monster set loose to wreak havoc on the modern world; "Orion the Hunter," guest-starring the New Gods; and a villain named Jack Ajax, a kind of evil Batman. I've had a Magic of Shazam! story called "Wonders and Marvels," involving the villains Xenophon and Ares, sitting on the shelf for a while. It could be a crossover between Wonder Woman and MOS!, or either the Wonder girls or the Marvel Family could guest-star in the other's book. (I've got The Magic of Shazam! loosely plotted out to about issue No. 86; so, crossing over with Wonder Woman would give "Wonders and Marvels" the impetus needed to muscle into the line-up.) Of course, a thousand potential titles leap to mind, any number of which might yield a qaulity story, including "The Black Sails" (myth: Theseus, the Labyrinth, and the Minotaur), "Eureka!" (Archimedes), "The Thirty Tyrants" (the aftermath Athens's defeat in the Peloponnesian War), "The Midas Touch" (myth: King Midas, duh), "The Face That Launched a Thousand Ships" (myth: the Trojan War), "Dragon's Teeth" (myth: Cadmus and Jason's quest for the Golden Fleece), and "The Seven Wonders of the World" (guest-starring the Seven Wonders, because who says learning can't be disguised as entertainment?)

I'm thinking of a couple of different ways to cast Wonder Woman as Achilles in a story called "The Iliad," though when all is said and done it might be easier to do as an Elseworlds tale, JLA: The Iliad.

{1} The Magic of Shazam!
"Giant Atomic Robots" - "May Day" takes us from No. 1 to No. 86, give or take an issue here or there, with plenty of other stories lying around waiting to be fleshed out and placed in sequence. Eighty-six issues and I still haven't introduced The Perfect. I love The Perfect, there're just a lot of Captain Marvel stories that need to be told. Not to mention Mary Marvel, Kid Marvel, Uncle Dudley and Mr. Tawky Tawny, Robot Marvel, Bulletwoman, Spy Smasher, the W.H.I.Z. gang, Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal....

{2} Action Comics / Superman
A whole gaggle of "super" stories, everything from "Superego" and "Supertown" to "Supercollider" and "Supertaster." And the still-so-vague-as-to-be-meaningless idea for "Lex Talionis." The Man of Steel is fetile territory, which goes a long way to explaining why his adventures have been continuously published since 1938.

{3} Jack Kirby's Fourth World
Preliminarily, I've got "The Never People," "The Inheritance," and the (all's fair in) war and love story "The Forever War." Like Captain Marvel, there are countless tales of the New Gods to be told, I just haven't invested the same time in them as I have in The Magic of Shazam! If I am ever fortunate enough to write for DC Comics (though lately I have been thinking of adopting a more assertive attitude, "One day, I will write for DC Comics..."), my plan is to use the New Gods in every book I work on until they finally let me write a Fourth World miniseries, and perhaps if it is well-received an ongoing series.

{4} Wonder Woman
I'd love to imagine myself capable of writing a story worthy of the title "Go Tell the Spartans," but until then I've got a solid idea in "The Antikythera Mechanism," which combines my love for giant robots with the oft-used MOS! device of ancient menaces born anew. And I think this Jack Ajax bloke has potential, though of course I couldn't neglect Wonder Woman's not widely known but none-too-shabby rogues gallery: Ares (yep, the God of War), The Cheetah, the witch Circe, Dr. Psycho, the Silver Swan (now that I've read some of Perez's issues, I'm determined to save the soul of Vanessa Kapatelis), Giganta, Dr. Poison, and maybe even Angle Man, who's currently getting his butt kicked on a monthly basis in Catwoman. Plus, I'm sure I could figure out how to resurrect Deimos, Phobos, Medousa, and Decay.

Woot!

Given the meaning of the expression "snow job," I'm a little surprised President Bush has appointed Tony Snow to be his new press secretary.

Nauts and Naught
The suffix -naut means "sailor." Thus, American astronauts are "sailers among the stars," whereas Soviet and Russian cosmonauts are "sailors among the universe." Jason's Argonauts were the sailors on his ship, the Argo. So, would the crew of Captain Nemo's Nautilus have been Nautilusnauts? Nautinauts?

Argonauts
astronauts
cosmonauts
aeronauts
psychonauts
Reaganauts

Others?

Persistance of Whining
Again, I cannot explain why exactly this bothers me as much as it does, but the fact remains that it pisses me off to no end: the Goldbricker hasn't been to work since Thursday, April 13, the day before Good Friday. If he is at all representative of his co-workers, it's no wonder Delphi is bankrupt. Lazy dung sack.

The Pro-Bear Agenda
It can't be good for ursine morale that the two most adorable members of the bear family, panda bears and koala bears, aren't bears at all. "Wait a second, this isn't a bear. This isn't a bear at all!"

feline
porcine
ursine
equine
canine

Others?

Democracy or Bureaucracy?
Hyperboliclink. On The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, a former CIA analyst named Ray McGovern argued that because, in his opinion, the policies of the Bush Administration "are not the America [he] pledged to serve," CIA officials had a moral obligation to leak classified information to the press and to do everything in their power to oppose administration policy. Take a moment to think about the implications of that position.

If CIA employees disagree with the policies set by the President in consultation with the Congress, they have to right to undermine said policy. That's an extraordinary statement and, coming from someone who used to "serve" in the CIA, a profoundly frightening one. Tell me, who exactly elected Ray McGovern and Mary McCarthy to decide the best interests of the American people? Which article of the sacred Constitution gave the ultimate power of governance to the civil servants of the Central Intelligence Agency and not to the President of the United States, the United States Senate, and the United States House of Representatives? What about the bureaucrats of the Department of Agriculture? If they disagree with farm policy as set by the Congress, do they have the right to implement a contrary policy? Can the agents and special agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATFE, formerly the ATF) decide what is and is not illegal, regardless of what the courts say? Should the military alone decide what missions the military undertakes and to hell with the civilian leadership?

Ray McGovern was not arguing for the end of civilian control of the military, but that is the logical conclusion of his advocacy of allowing CIA agents to pick and choose which presidential policy directives they will or won't follow. Bog knows our democracy is not perfect, and attentive readers will recall that in this very blog I have only half-jokingly (meaning I was halfway serious) called for the repeal of Article I of the Constitution, otherwise known as the Congress. The Constitution places checks and balances on all three official branches of the federal government: the executive, the legislative, and the judicial. What sends a chill up my spine is McGovern's suggestion that the bureaucracy should have the power to determine for itself when and how to check and balance the power of the elected branches. Those powers not specifically delegated to the President and his cabinet, the Congress, and the courts by the Constitution are reserved to the several states and the people themselves. (You know, a "government of the people, by the people, for the people" in Honest Abe's phrase.)

Many of you may not like President Bush's policies and you may lament the harmony that has existed between the executive and legislative branches due to the Republican control of the Senate and the House, but that fact remains that George W. Bush was, in accordance with the laws of the United States, elected to the Presidency in 2000 and reelected in 2004. And the Republican Party, for all its glaring flaws, has managed to gain and defend a majority of the seats in the Senate and the House of Representatives through six congressional elections. In this country, if you wish to influence the direction of governmental policy, you do it through the democratic process. In a democracy, bureaucracy must be a means of governance, not a form of governance; there would be no more sinister a dictatorship than a government of the bureaucrats.

"There's a picture opposite me,
Of my primitive ancestry,
Who stood on rocky shores
And kept the beaches shipwrech free.
Though I respect that a lot,
I'd be fired if that were my job,
After killing Jason off
And countless screaming Argonauts."
--They Might Be Giants, "Birdhouse in Your Soul" from Flood

It is vitally important to bear in mind that nationalism, socialism, and National Socialism are three discrete political philosophies, almost entirely unrelated to one another.

Also, for this week's diction assignment, I would like each of you to work feign, deign, and reign into regular conversation. Best of luck.

The Fourth World
Here then is a nearly complete, not to be confused with complete, list of the New Gods of New Genesis and Apokolips. I am not quite so egomaniacal as to include my own embryonic creations Solon, Oceon, Zaladin and the Never People.

Key
@ = dead as of this writing
# = born of Apokolips, but now loyal to New Genesis; I am aware of no defectors to the side of Apokolips
* = from the dreadful New Gods series of the late '80s and perhaps best forgotten

The Black Racer (the Racer is loyal to neither New Genesis nor Apokolips and is more akin to a force of nature)

{New Genesis}
@ Highfather (Izaya the Inheritor) - the husband of Avia, the father of Mr. Miracle
Highfather Takion (born Josh Saunders, a human)
Orion # - the adopted son of Highfather, the son of Darkseid & Tigra
Mr. Miracle (Scott Free) - the son of Highfather & Avia
Big Barda # - the wife of Scott Free, the former leader of the Female Furies
Lightray
Metron
Mark Moonrider - the leader of the Forever People (FP)
Beautiful Dreamer - FP
Big Bear - FP
Vykin - FP
Serifan - FP
The Infinity-Man # (born Drax) - the brother of Darkseid
@ Forager - a New God raised among the Bugs
Fastbak
Lonar
Thunderer - the steed of Lonar, the last survivor of the Old Gods
Esak
Magnar
Atinai - the Architect of Supertown
@ Avia - the wife of Highfather, the mother of Mr. Miracle
@ Tigra # - the second wife of Darkseid, the mother of Orion
@ Valkyra - the mother of Vykin
Stanga the Hermit
The Commander*
Madame Nature*
Teledar*
The All-Widow - the queen of the Bugs, not a New God
Prime One - the chamberlain of the All-Widow, not a New God
* * * * *
Monitors
the Forever People

{Apokolips}
Darkseid (Uxas) - the husband of Suli & Tigra; the father of Orion, Kalibak, & Grayven
Desaad - the brother of Bernadeth
Granny Goodness
Kalibak - the son of Darkseid & Suli
Kanto
Dr. Virmin Vundabar
Dr. Bedlam
Mantis
Mokkari
Simyan
Justeen
Mortalla - the concubine of Darkseid
@ Himon - the mentor of Scott Free
@ Queen Heggra - the wife of Yuga Khan, the mother of Darkseid & The Infinity-Man
@ Yuga Khan - the husband of Heggra, the father of Darkseid & The Infinity-Man
@ Steppenwolf - the brother of Heggra
@ Suli - the first wife of Darkseid, the mother of Kalibak
Lashina - the field leader of the Female Furies (FF)
Stompa - FF
Mad Harriet - FF
@ Bernadeth - FF, the sister of Desaad
@ Hellga - FF, the wife of Canis Major, the mother of Canis Minor
Canis Major - the husband of Hellga, the father of Canis Minor
@ Canis Minor - the son of Canis Major & Hellga
Glorious Godfrey
Amazing Grace
Brimstone
@ Sirius - the Hound of Orion
Slig - the leader of the Deep Six (D6)
Jaffar - D6
Shaligo - D6
Trok - D6
Gole - D6
Pyron - D6
Pythia - the groundskeeper of the Garden of Hope
Grayven - the bastard son of Darkseid
Necromina*
Tyrus* & Tracker*
* * * * *
Parademons
the Female Fury Battalion (there are more Female Furies, those listed above I have encountered in my readings)
the Deep Six
Soldier Boys
Dog Cavalry
Aero Troopers
Suicide Jockeys
Justifiers

Of my own creations...

New Genesis
Solon
Oceon

Apokolips
Zaladin
Dark Sunripper - the leader of the Never People (NP)
Dreadful Nightmare - NP
Big Boar - NP
Sazin - NP
Cherub - NP
The Anti-Lifeguard ("Sonny Sumo" Shimura, a human) - a slave of the Never People

The Fourth World
I've come up with a few ideas for New Gods, denizens of both gentle New Genesis and harsh Apokolips: Solon and Oceon of New Genesis, young lovers and Monitors-in-training, and Zaladin of Apokolips, a young officer of Aero Troopers. Solon is named after the ancient Athenian lawgiver, though unlike her Greek counterpart Solon of New Genesis is female. Oceon (derived from ocean) is as at home beneath the seas as he is in New Genesis's lone city, Supertown. Zaladin is derived from Saladin for no other reason than I've thought Saladin was a cool name since Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves first prompted me to study the Crusades. While on a distant world, Solon's patrol is ambushed; she alone escapes Zaladin's Aero Troopers, though they are soon on her trail. Solon's Mother Box is grievously wounded and thus unable to summon a boom tube back to New Genesis. Back in Supertown, Solon's unit are given up for dead, "They have all been claimed by the Black Racer." Oceon's Mother Box insists that she has made sporatic contact with Solon's Mother Box; Oceon resolves to rescue his love if he must move heaven and earth to do it. Zaladin hunts Solon, resulting in some most ungodly warfare, while Oceon assembles a search party, eventually recruiting the second fastest of all the New Gods, Fastbak. Since the war of skirmishes between New Genesis and Apokolips seems to be as eternal as the New Gods themselves, I quite like the name "The Forever War."

Plus, I have an idea for a tale about the legacy Izaya the Inheritor, the late Highfather, has left for his two sons, Orion and Scott Free, but "The Inheritance" just occured to me this afternoon and details are less than sketchy.

So, "Supertown," "The Never People," and "The Forever War." By Steppenwolf, I love Kirby's Fourth World!

The Great Firewall
I am not a fan of the People's Republic of China's efforts to restrict the Chinese people's access to ye olde internet and the censor what information is then available via ye olde internet, but I am a fan of the nickname "the Great Firewall," a reference, of course, to the famed Great Wall of China.

Contrary to popular myth, the Great Wall is in fact not visible to the naked eye from space. Astronauts (and cosmonauts) have been orbiting our charming little sphere for forty-five years now and have spent a great deal of that time over China, reporting that, nope, they couldn't see a cursed thing. Additionally, the idea is ridiculous on its face. The many walls and towers that comprise the Great Wall are thousands of miles long, but on most case only a handful of yards wide. The mammoth Silverdome is not visible from space, nor are the gigantic dishes of the Very Large Array radiotelescope. The empty, twenty lane highways in North Korea aren't visible from space, nor is the Great Pyramid of Giza.

Lies, Damned Lies, and the News
Remember after 9/11 how many of the most famous newsreaders swore that they would do a better job of covering the world? Of rooting out stories beyond the coasts of shining America? Hyperlink! Now, there are a brazillion little tiny islands in the South Pacific and it is difficult to keep track of what is going on on all of them, but why is it that extensive coverage has been given to rising gasoline prices, but nothing about the turmoil in the Solomons? Gasoline is more expensive than it was last week. ABC's World News Tonight devoted several minutes to gasoline prices on both Thursday and Friday evenings. Lots of words were spoken, but little was said. Besides, of course, "Wow, jefe, gas is, like, not a cheap as it used to be!" No shit. Thanks for the scoop, Ed Murrow. Dear Bog, I hate modern American journalism.

Credit where credit is due, however, I applaud the self-obsessed pricks of the media for recognizing that Kathmandu is more than just a Bob Seger song (though the title is "Katmandu"). And kudos to The Plate for being ahead of the times with one of his most recent "The Hot Plate" columns.

Why do I hate the summer? Because I've been doing nothing more than my usual morning and afternoon driving, as always avoiding nature like the plague, and already my arms are getting tanned. Cursed, more directly overhead Sun.

Out of the clear blue sky, the Mountain of Love dropped by this afternoon after getting his hair cut. We hung out for the next six hours. It was super rad.

Orion of New Genesis sez, "May the Astro-Force be with you."

This is the second time today I've had hiccups. What in the high holy hell is going on?

The New and Improved Crucifixion: Easter Climax
My sister is agnostic, my brother is agnostic with a large dose of atheism, my father used to denounce Christianity as primitive superstition until he decided it could be wielded as a weapon against jihadist terrorism, and my mother subscribes to that vapid branch of Roman Catholicism that believes everyone who isn't an axe murderer or child molester gets into Heaven. This weekend, my mother is in Ohio visiting her mother; attending Mass alone is always lonely, even more so on Easter. If I am ever fortunate enough to sire children, I hope we will all attend Mass together even after they are no longer munchkins and ankle-biters.

The Last Angry Wife and The Last Angry Brats. You know you want to meet them.

The Anti-Life Equation
Anti-Lifeboat
Anti-Life Saver
Anti-Lifejacket
Anti-Lifeguard (or Anti-Life Guard, as a reference to the British Army regiment, the Life Guards)

The New and Improved Crucifixion: Good Friday Edition
Jumpin' Jack Pratt, I love Good Friday Mass! It's so beautiful. The silent processions; the long, theatrical Gospel, during the course of which the parishioners stand in for the angry, crucifixion-hungry denizens of Jerusalem; even more kneeling and standing than the normal Catholic Mass; the Veneration* of the Cross; the Body but no Blood; and of course, that fact that while so gathered we are thanking the Christ for saving Mankind. Woot!

*Because of the Catholic distinction between veneration and adoration, adoration being the love and worship reserved exclusively for the three persons of God, the Holy Trinity, the Veneration of the Cross is not idolatry, as some of the more fundamentalist Protestants would suggest.

The Fourth World
I have now read all of Jack Kirby's initial Fourth World works in a series of trade paperback collections, four in black and white: Jack Kirby's New Gods, Jack Kirby's Mister Miracle, Jack Kirby's Forever People, and Jack Kirby's Fourth World - Featuring: Mister Miracle; and two in color: Jimmy Olsen: Adventures by Jack Kirby volumes one and two. Additionally, I have collected the lion's share of Walt Simonson's Orion, the most recent ongoing series devoted to the adventures of the New Gods of the sister worlds of New Genesis and Apokolips. I am in love with the entire Fourth World.

I already have the germ of a Superman story, "Supertown," involving the New Gods taking a more active role on Earth. The most likely players are the original odd couple, Orion (bad cop) and Lightray (good cop), and the husband and wife team of Mr. Miracle and Big Barda. Additionally, I've a title for a quest with the Forever People, "Super-Cycle," though exactly for what they might be questing has yet to be determined. I also have an idea for an excellent story with the Forever People, though I cannot see how "Super-Cycle" would be an applicable title.

The Fourth World is full of awful puns and other wordplay. For starters, the shadowed world of Apokolips (apocalypse) and it's lord and master, Darkseid (dark side, years before George Lucas wrote Star Wars). Among Darkseid's minions are his oldest friend, the torturer Desaad (after the Marquis de Sade); Desaad's sister Bernadeth; Kalibak (whom I've always assumed is partially named after Caliban from The Tempest); the wicked Granny Goodness (her personal minions are called Soldier Boys); the Prussian-obsessed Dr. Virmin Vundabar; Bernadeth's fellow Female Furies Lashina (she uses whips and other lashes) and Stompa (guess what she does); the evil psychologist, Dr. Bedlam; and Apokolips's elite six-man underwater commando team, the Deep Six. The worst slum on Apokolips is called the Armagetto (Armageddon plus ghetto). Apokoliptians created after Kirby include the deadly Mortalla, the young Justeen, and Amazing Grace, the sister of Glorious Godfrey.

Anyway, I think I'm about ready to join the fun. One of Darkseid's chief aims is to acquire the Anti-Life Equation, a scrap of knowledge that enable he who possesses it to control all living beings (the Equation allows for instant and absolute brainwashing). During Kirby's The Forever People, the eponymous team of young gods from New Genesis met a human named, regrettably, Sonny Sumo. Sonny possessed almost all of the Anti-Life Equation; in the course of helping the Forever People escape Desaad's fiendish "Happyland," Sonny was thrown through time. All's well that ends well and Sonny ended up in ancient Japan, where he lived a life of virtue and became a hero of mythic proportions. Good for him.

Another human named Billion Dollar Bates had the entire Equation, but he was killed before Darkseid and Desaad could extract it from his mind. (Clones of Bates played a grisly role in Orion, eventually meeting the fate of their progenitor.) My idea is that someone from Apokolips will travel to ancient Japan and retrieve Sonny. He will be twisted by Apokoliptian science into a fearsome warrior for Darkseid, the Anti-Lifeguard.

The Forever People - Mark Moonrider, Beautiful Dreamer, Big Bear, Vykin the Black, and Serifan - will attempt to rescue Sonny/the Anti-Lifeguard, a task infinitely complicated by his wielding of the Anti-Life Equation. Set against the Forever People will be another new Apokoliptian abomination, the Never People - Dark Sunripper, Dreadful Nightmare, Big Boar, Sazin the White, and Cherub. The Forever People summon their friend and champion the Infinity-Man by simultaneously touching their communal Mother Box and saying in unison, "Taru!" The Never People will control the Anti-Lifeguard by touching their shared Father Box and together intoning, "Urat!" I think it's all just corny enough to pass Fourth World muster.

The Forever People
Mark Moonrider
Beautiful Dreamer
Big Bear
Vykin
Serifan

The Never People
Dark Sunripper
Dreadful Nightmare
Big Boar
Sazin
Cherub

The New and Improved Crucifixion: Holy Thursday Edition
Happy Maundy Thursday, everyone. Do you think at any point during the Last Supper any of the Apostles turned to Christ and said, "Rabbi, I know this is going to sound a little weird, but, about this bread you gave us? Don't take this the wrong way, but you're delicious."

Also remember, if you are the leader of a nascent religious organization and one of your followers is always talking about how he could really use thirty pieces of silver to get hooked up with some new Ikea, and if when you are having a big formal dinner called the Last Supper this same dude slips away, casting shifty glances as he goes, whatever you do do not go to a garden and count on your other disciples to stand guard. Those jerks are going to be sleepy from all the bread/flesh and wine/blood you just fed them. Run! Get on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. There must be fifty ways to not get your ass nailed to a cross.

Though I, for one, am really grateful that He didn't follow my advice. More on that tomorrow. For now, holy Toledo, Batman, it's Holy Thursday. Enjoy that Last Supper; we had sloppy joes, French fries, and spinach salad. Mmmm, tasty!

The New and Improved Crucifixion
This Lent has been a disaster from the word "Go": I was in Los Angeles at BTWest on Ash Wednesday and despite the assumed large number of Catholic churches in a city with such a prominent Latino population, I did not attend Mass on that holy day of obligation. I love Ash Wednesday. Easter and Christmas are great holidays to be a Christian, but Ash Wednesday is my favorite day of the year on which to be a Roman Catholic. (Though I am fast learning to love hating Guy Fawkes Day, November 5.) I love Ash Wednesday, and I missed it. After that, I just never found my footing. Not realizing Lent had started, I ate meat on the first Friday after Ash Wednesday ( a lovely ham and cheese submarine sandwich), I never decided on any Lenten sacrifices above and beyond the Friday prohibition against meat, and my attendence at Mass has been abyssmal. Lent in 2005 was awesome. I was in hardcore Catholic mode, at least as much as I am able. I went to confession (three cheers for the Sacrament of Reconciliation, a joy denied to those heretical Protestants) and I said several Rosaries. I made an active effort to love the faith and it made me fan fantastic. For forty days, I walked on air. This year has been a shambles. Still, I am trying to salvage some value here during Holy Week, and come hell or high water I am going to attend Mass on Good Friday as well as on Easter Sunday, even though Mom will be in Dayton visiting Grandma, meaning I'll going solo. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

Good Friday and Easter celebrate two of the three best days in the entire history of the world; it's time to make a big deal out of days that are a big deal.

Hooray for Double Standards
At dinner, the Goldbricker was once again railing against GM as a corporate sponsor of terrorism (he agrees with Arianna Hiffington's logic, always a sign that you've gone off the deep end), mere days after he and my mom purchased yet another vehicle from, of all companies, GM. If GM supports terrorism (a premise I reject) and he supports GM, and since we know that if A=B and B=C then A=C, by his own reasoning is not he in fact a supporter of terrorism? Hooray for double standards.

The New and Improved Crucifixion
Everything good inside me comes from the Holy Ghost. I'm rotten to the core, selfish, hypocritical, greedy, and just plain mean. Every charitable and moderate impluse inside me is a result of the Almighty's love. For me, for you, for the collective us. My moments of cruelty and pettiness are the result of my base nature outshouting His gentle counsel. Monster that I am now, I shudder to think what I would be without His Grace.

My favorite part of Mass, "But only say the word and I shall be healed." I shall be healed.

The New and Improved Crucifixion
As yesterday was Palm Sunday, Holy Redeemer was festooned in the traditional red ornamentations: the altar skirt had been changed from Lenten purple to Palm Sunday red, likewise for the curtain obscuring the large statue of Christ behind the altar, and both the visiting priest (Father Whatshisname) and Deacon Corder were wearing red. Many of the parishioners were garbed in similiar hues. Christianity is rife with dark humor, the day of Christ's crucufixion and death is called Good Friday, after all (good for us, bad for Him), but even so this has always struck me as a macabre choice. At the start of the last week of the Son of God's life, we wrap ourselves in the color of the blood He is about to shed for us? Love that gallows humor.

In any event, I didn't wear red, but not as any kind of conscious gesture; I had no idea yesterday was Palm Sunday until we were in the car on the way to church. Had I known, I doubt I would have worn red, but then again I might have.

Inklings
Speaking of blood, I've had a great new idea for a tattoo. On my chest, I want to have written the words, "I am an organ donor. Take what you need." And somewhere in the same area have a large red teardrop shape with my bloodtype, B+, written on it in white. That way, if I'm ever horribly mangled in an car accident and/or other miscellaneous catastrophy, the doctors will have confirmation that, yes, I really did mean it when I checked the organ donor box on the back of my driver's license. I have to finalize the design and placement and then be certain of both for six months, and after that I'll be free to get the ink applied whenever it strikes my fancy.

By the way, have you checked the organ donor box on the back of your driver's license? If not, I am curious as to why and would be most grateful for comments explaining your position.

By the time organ donation becomes an issue, you certainly won't need them anymore, and whatever organs survived whatever it was that killed you intact could be the key to saving someone else's life, or multiple lives. If you needed or organ, or more importantly if you mom or your wife needed an organ, wouldn't you want someone to step up and save her life? Thousands of Americans die every year waiting for transplanted organs that never arrive. You could help to save half a dozen lives or more. Donating your organs is probably even more important that regularly donating blood. Be someone's hero; check the box on the back of your license.

Bartering Salvation
Not right now, both because honestly right now I am a physical wreck (I am fatter than I've been at any other time and my muscles have all atrophied away from disuse) and because I have only minimal health insurance, but someday in the future when I'm healthier and have more comprehensive health care coverage, I think I'd like to donate a kidney. I'm willing to donate all of my organs, but I need most of them to live. So, I'll have to wait until I'm sixty (I'm going to die at sixty) before most of them will be of any use to folks who aren't me. But you only need one kidney to live; so, I could help save someone's life right now (or, not right now for the reasons stated above, but you know what I mean). It's a hell of a thing giving up a part of thine own self, and I'm not trying to be a braggart, but I've thought about it and I think it's something I'd really like to do.

On the other hand, the dark bastard has suggested that I'm only saying I want to donate a kidney because I am a braggart who's trying to make you all envious of my altruism, which kind of nullifies the point of altruism. Alternatively, he suggests that even if I go through with donating the bloody thing, it's only because I'm a damnable sinner who's trying to save my own benighted soul, which is all fine and good, but once again I shouldn't try to dress it up as something noble since my paramount motivation is primarily selfish.

On the gripping hand, the dark bastard can stick his head up his arse because it doesn't really matter if I am just a braggart playing at being a martyr or a lowly wretch trying to barter his way in the Almighty's Grace, my kidney would help someone in the real world; so, my internal reasons are, at best, a secondary concern or, at worst, an egomaniacal indulgence.

In the Invader ZIM episode "Dark Harvest," ZIM tries to more convincingly blend in with the filthy humans around him by stealing human organs from his fellow students (the sign above the door identifies the building as a SKOOL) and replacing the organs with common items like a half-pint of milk or a GameSlave mobile video game system. At the end of "Dark Harvest," the skool nurse remarks to ZIM, "Why, you're one of the healthiest little children I've ever seen. And such plentiful organs."

ZIM was right, "More organs means more human." It did work. What I'm planning is basically the opposite of what he did. Will I be less human after I give up a kidney? Quite possibly, but the important part is that I'll have a viable excuse to constantly bring up Invader ZIM and convert more people to believers in ZIM. "It wiiiil work."

Meanwhile, Back at the Church...
We had a visiting priest yesterday (the aforementioned Father Whatshisname) because our pastor, Father Bill, has been sidelined by a recurrent hernia. Sounds unpleasant. I hope that Father Bill's life is in no way endangered, but I would also be quite pleased if it took him a while to recover. I just don't like Father Bill. Lousy hippie. I think I'll enjoy having someone else giving the sermons on Sundays. Get well, Father Bill, just don't hurry back.

The Immigration Debate
Regarding the Senate's recent, unresolved debate on immigration reform and today's massive pro-amnesty demonstrations in many of our major metropoleis, let me just say this: in the museum that is the base on which stands the Statue of Liberty, there is a bronze plaque emblazoned with the poem "The New Colossus," written in 1883, though the plaque was not installed until 1903. All most people, yours truly included, know of "The New Colossus" are the final lines:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
You huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

We are a nation of immigrants. To pretend otherwise is asinine. We must remain forevermore a nation of immigrants or else we will have betrayed that which made us great in the first place. We are a nation of immigrants.

Science!
I just watched Jean-Michel Cousteau Ocean Adventures, "Voyage to Kure," on PBS. Sweet fancy Moses, the ocean is awesome! The natural world is just astounding. There weren't any narwhals, but as we all know narwhals, like The Last Angry Man, prefer colder conditions. Science!

The Passionless Passion
Those little rat bastards screwed up the Passion play! For ages, between fifteen and twenty years now, the highlight of Palm Sunday Mass at Holy Redeemer has been a brilliant staging of the Passion by the youth group. The kids act out the Passion, dressed in black and wearing mimeface, while another youth group member in normal church clothes narrates. The play begins and ends with a description of Christ and the Apostles' entry into Jerusalem, "What a week it was to be for Jesus...," and a single line of a song, beautiful and melancholy, repeated again and again, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord." The triumphant entrance into David's City, the Last Supper, the betrayal, the release of Barrabas, Pilate washing his hands, the crown of thorns, the march to Calvary, the Crucifixion... it's majestic. My heart aches when the narrator intones, "What a week it was to be for Jesus..." after the actor playing the Christ has been carried out of the church on his fellows' shoulders.

This year, the youth group cut out most of what was beautiful and powerful in the Passion, beginning with Christ already in Pilate's custody and presenting a greatly abbreviated version of events from there. The best parts of the entire performance, the one-two combination of "What a week it was to be for Jesus" and "Prepare ye the way of the Lord," were entirely omitted. Normally, the Passion brings tears to my eyes; this year, I oscillated between boredom and fury. This isn't just my habitual resistance to chance, either, the changes took much of the impact out of what had been a brilliant Passion play. Little twerps.

Anway, today is Palm Sunday, the beginning of the holiest week of the year; so, here's a photo gallery coutesy of our friends at the British Broadcasting Corporation.

I watched a biographical film about Martin Luther this afternoon and it's got my sectarian ire up. Sure, sure, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, but what ever happened to the good old days when we referred to Protestant heresy as heresy? Lousy Mary-hating jerks.

Netflix Queue
1. To End All Wars
2. House of Flying Daggers
3. Kissing Jessica Stein
4. All the Real Girls
5. Roger Dodger
6. Richard III (Sir Laurence Olivier, I've already seen the Sir Ian McKellen film)
7. Rabbit-Proof Fence
8. Blindspot: Hitler's Secretary
9. Downfall
10. Triumph of the Will

Yes, Triumph of the Will is Leni Riefenstahl's famous/infamous Nazi propaganda film. In a similar vein, I read Mein Kampf when I was in ninth grade. I was not a Nazi sympathizer then and I am not a Nazi sympathizer now. I felt it was important to read the book then, and to watch the film now, on the theory that the best way to prevent history from repeating itself is to understand how such terrible events came to pass in the first place.

The Middle Kingdom and the Land of the Rising Sun
I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Chinese people suffered horribly at the hands of the Japanese from the start of the Sino-Japanese War in 1894 until the end of the Second World War in 1945 and there is no excuse for the atrocities and crimes against humanity the Imperial Japanese forces committed. But it's more than a little hypocritical for the Chinese to cry "Foul!" over Japanese ministerial visits to the Yasukuni Shrine when there are ridiculously gigantic portraits of Chairman Mao hanging over Tiananmen Square at this very moment. Hyperlink! Between the 30,000,000 who starved to death as a direct result of the Great Leap Forward and the 500,000 to 1,000,000 who died during the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, Mao killed far more Chinese than Tojo, whom I am happy to say died at American hands, ever dreamed of.

Women's Liberation and Islam
Hyperlink 2! Unsatisfactory progress to be sure, but progress nonetheless. In contemplating the sad gulf between the role of women as described in the better passages of the Qur'an and the barbaric way women are treated in almost all Islamic societies, we must be steadfast in our denunciations, but also mindful of the fact that women were denied their God-given right to vote in this country until just eighty-six years ago. Steady progress is the surest route to victory.

War and Liberal Democracy
In a democracy such as ours, we must all bear some measure of responsibility for the actions our government takes in our name. We must all look inside ourselves and determine to what lengths we as a nation should go to win the War on Terror. Hyperlink 3! In the end, it is a war between civilization and barbarism, and we must not allow the line between the two to become blurred.

A is for Anthem
B is for B-sides
C is for Crackhead
D is for Dumbass
E is for Effort
F is for Fatass
G is for Geezer
H is for Hooker

The Means of Production
Hyperlink. One would think that the pitiable GDP and standard of living of the now-defunct Soviet Union, China before Deng Xiaoping, and the "worker's paradise" of Cuba would have taught Senor Chavez the folly of command economics. Of course, Chavez is a democratically elected leader; so, the Venezuelan people have no one to blame but themselves. Idiots.

Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal
Mosley Oakes was a prosecutor in the Fawcett City district attorney's office who began to wonder if he might better serve society by joining the ranks of the masked men who serve justice by operating outside the strict confines of the law. Of course, Mose was no fool, and he reckoned that lacking superpowers or the superb athleticism of non-powered heroes like Batman or Green Arrow, he was quite likely to get himself killed before he stopped a single mugging. Then one day, he met Rose Pham (or Sally Pham?).

Rose was an English major at Ivy University who loathed the chemistry class she had to take as a graduation requirement. One day, Rose was showered in volatile chemicals and electrocuted due to an accident at Ivy U's power plant. After spending six months in the University medical center on the brink of death, Rose made a miraculous recovery, and soon after discovered that the accident has given her the abilities of super-speed and flight. Degree in hand and powers a secret, Rose returned to her hometown of Fawcett City, content to live off the settlement money Ivy agreed to pay to avoid a lawsuit.

After Little Saigon was targetted during the neo-Nazi "Kristallnacht" riots, Rose decided to use her powers to beat the living snot out of every racist she could get her hands on. The impulsive vigilante soon ran afoul of the law, which is how Rose Pham met Mose Oakes. Mose recognized in Rose's speed the advantage he would need to embark upon his career as a mystery man. Rose jumped at the opportunity to continue her crusade, glad to have an advisor who could help her avoid any further legal difficulties. Mose dropped almost all of the charges against Rose and allowed her to plead to the remaining misdemeanors, for which she was sentenced to a hundred hours of community service. Mose could not justify operating outside the law while remaining a prosecutor; he resigned from the DA's office and entered private practice, becoming the in-house counsel for Labyrinth Security Innovations, the company founded by Dr. Daedalus Broadstreet, who would later be revealed as the villain The Maze.

Taking their inspiration from Bulletwoman (Deanna Barr) and Spy Smasher (Avi Ducret), Mose and Rose looked into the history of Fawcett heroes and modelled their new alter egos after the dynamic duo of Mr. Scarlet and Pinky. Because Rose can fly and "Pinky" is a stupid name, they settled on Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal, wrapped themselves from head-to-toe in red, and set out to rid Fawcett City of the common, street-level crime that sometimes escaped the attention of demigods like Captain Marvel and company.

I'll probably drop hints of their activities and maybe even give them cameo appearances before the brouhaha "The Red and the Black," possibly properly introduce them during that story, and then give them some time in the spotlight in "A Study in Scarlet," a tale set amidst the Marvel Family's absence during Billy's search for the missing Wizard in "From Here to the Rock of Eternity."

The Magic of Shazam!: Mr. Scarlet
I'm still trying to get a handle on Mr. Scarlet. What is his function in Fawcett City? Detective? Gritty avenger? Comic relief? No, that's Uncle Dudley's, Mr. Tawny's, and Robot Marvel's job. Right now, I'm leaving toward Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal as detectives, since the Marvel Family don't do too much sleuthing, but the trick is to make sure Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal aren't just cheap retreads of Batman and Robin. (One of the few positives to come out of DC's "One Year Later" stunt is the seeming restoration of Batman and Robin as the Dynamic Duo.) But, character schmaracter, the truly important thing is that I already have a bunch of Mr. Scarlet titles ready to use:

"A Study in Scarlet"
"The Scarlet Letter"
"The Scarlet Pimpernal"
"The Vermillion Millions"
"Masque of the Red Death"
"The Red-Headed League"
"Crimson Tide"
"Paint the Town Red"
"The Red Menace"
"Cardinal Virtues"
"Red Handed"
"Seeing Red"
"Red Rover"
"Rose Red"
"Eric the Red"
and if I get truly desperate:
"The Scarlet and Gray" (Booooo! OSU sucks!)

"The Red and the Black" has alredy been reserved for a story pitting Captain Marvel (whose costume is primarily red) against Black Adam and the his Monster Society of Evil, but it might also serve as an apropos time to introduce Mr. Scarlet and Cardinal.

Superman/Action Comics
As it presently stands, here is the complete list of "super" titles, in no particular order:

"Superego"
"Supertown"
"Supernova"
"Superstition"
"Supercollider"
"Supercilious"
"Supersonic"
"Superconductor"
"Superstar"
"Superlative"
"Superficial"
"Supernatural"
"Superstructure"
"Superb"
"Superior"
"Superimpose"
"Supernal"
"Supervision"
"Superfluous"
"Supercharger"
"Super-Cycle"
"Superpower"
"Superhuman"

The one none super title I really want to use is "Lex Talionis," Latin for "the law of retaliation." This would of course be my Lex Luthor magnum opus, though I haven't a clue as to what the story would actually be about.

Goodbye, Kitty
A year ago to the day, we had Sammy poisoned to death as an act of mercy. I love you, Sam.

Samuel Bubbles Sink Cat Wilson
August 1986 - March 31, 2005

Please do not leave any comments.

A pride of lions.
A crash of rhinoceroses.
A skulk of foxes.
A pack of wolves.
A murder of crows.
A gaggle of geese.
A school of fish.
A pod of whales.

A narpod of narwhals?

O Israel
If the present exit polls are correct, Likud will be replaced as the largest right-wing opposition party by Yisrael Beitenu... a somewhat crazier party dominated by people born, like me, in Soviet Russia. Obviously, Ariel Sharon's creation last year of the Kadima Party as a center-right party took away much of the reason behind Likud's existence, but still, I'm surprised. (Of course, I say that as a Gentile outsider who views Israeli politics as cacophonous and bellicose absurdity.) If I had to explain Likud's pathetic performance in one word it would be Bibi. Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu was prime minister in the late '90s, succeeding Shimon Peres who had taken over for the assassinated Itzhak Rabin, may he rest in peace. Bibi's a loon, and Likud was crazy to contest a general election with him as their standard-bearer.

Let us hope that Ehud Olmert is worthy of the faith Ariel Sharon, a complicated man who is both rightly loved and rightly detested, had in him.

Peril
My mom and dad are looking to buy a new car to replace my mom's '95 Lumina. This afternoon (Monday), the Goldbricker told me that he's probably not going to trade-in the Lumina as previously discussed, but will instead get rid of the Mousemobile and let me drive the fucking Lumina. Mom has wanted to get rid of the Mousemobile for years; so, talking to her was useless. I'm not sure I've ever been more lonely than I am tonight.

For years, my dad has spoken of the first car he ever owned, a '63 Super-Chevy that started its life as a police cruiser. How can he have spoken wistfully of Super-Chevy for all these years and then sell/scrap the Mousemobile for purely pragmatic reasons? Bog, where in the hell am I going to get the money to buy the Mousemobile from him? I have to try. I'd never be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try. I can't afford a car. Oh, God, they're going to get rid of the Mousemobile.

What does it say about me as a person that I didn't cry when Grandma Wilson died two years ago, but I'm bawling now? All the monstrous things my father has said in his life that I'll either forgive or forget, but I'll never be able to forgive him for this.

Club That Seal!
Homo sapiens sapiens is the most devastating predator the earth has ever seen. Our habitat covers a more diverse range of conditions than that of any other species. We have no claws, only laughable teeth, and are, pound for pound, one of the weakest members of the class Mammalia; yet, so deadly are we as a group that we must legislatively restrict our hunting activities lest we easily drive to extinction any species we wish (witness international prohibitions against whaling and national prohibitions against killing wolves). It is a testament to our lethality, and potentially to our ruthlessness, that we are the only surviving example of the genus Homo. By contrast, there are hundreds of species of sharks (organized across eight different orders), three extant species of elephants (and many more extinct species), and even two different species of chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes and Pan paniscus). I say the following in the biological sense, not as any kind of political imperative: we are conquerors, born and bred. Killing is a central tenet of what it means to be human. And so, the time has once again come for one of my favorite annual events: Hyperlink! Club that seal!

The Magic of Shazam!
I am considering titling the Scion of Shazam's attempt to establish an empire in Central Asia neither "The Great Khan" nor "The Wrath of Khan," but "The Golden Horde." Historically, the Golden Horde was the name of the Tartar state (quasi-Mongolian) that ruled large swaths of European Russia and Central Asia for a few centuries following the Mongol conquests of the 13th century.. Now, the Golden Horde's dominion was substantially weakened by Tamerlane's depredations, among others; so, "The Golden Horde" doesn't really make sense as a title in that the Scion's name is Xia Timur, after Tamerlane, a dread foe of the real Golden Horde. On the other hand, an argument could be made that in a work of fiction historical accuracy is less important than producing a work that is both true to the creator's vision and entertaining to the audience. On the gripping hand, I would never make that argument, believing historical truth to be nearly sacred. And yet, I am still tempted by "The Golden Horde."

Quite the conundrum... surrounding the title of a fictional story in a comic book that is completely theoretical.

The Greatest Hyperlink in the World
My sincerest thanks to The Watergirl. In Soviet Russia... Here in America, bag buys me!

Superman/Action Comics
Should I ever have the opportunity to write Superman, currently supporting two monthly solo books, Action Comics and Superman*, I will of course make a mockery of the priceless opportunity by using only titles featuring words with the prefix "super-." Current ideas:

"Superstar" - Starro the Conqueror is spreading his mind-controlling drones through the crowds at large events. I haven't yet figured out if the events will be the huge arena concerts of some pop idol or the giant self-help seminars of a Dr. Phil stand-in. I know Starro is a villain of the Justice League of America, not specifically Superman, but I love the very idea of a giant starfish being an interstellar despot so much that I'll use it anytime I can. If I'm not allowed to use Starro, I'll just make the pop singer/Dr. Phil guru the brainwashing villain instead of just another dupe.

"Superconductor" - I love that Livewire, a villain from Superman: The Animated Series, has been introduced into the DC Universe, but I found her appearance in a recent issue of Action Comics disappointing. As a sidenote, John Byrne doesn't draw as good a Superman as he used to; his art on 1986's The Man of Steel and the subsequent launch of the new Superman series was vastly superior to his recent work on Action, including the lackluster Livewire issue. Anyway, electrically powered villains abound; so, Livewire might even recruit some superpowered henchmen. Hmmm, maybe a new Revenge Squad...?

"Superficial" - Either Superman versus Bizarro, a flawed clone of the Man of Steel, or Superman versus Ultraman, his evil twin from the antimatter universe. Lots of fighting, and an exploration of the much more than superficial differences between Clark Kent and the many pretenders to his throne.

"Superego" - A journey into the psyche of the Last Son of Krypton (not so "last" anymore since the reintroduction of Supergirl, but whatever) courtesy of an evil, probably alien, psychoanalyst named either The Alienist or Egotripper. Probably The Alienist.

"Supertown" - The story to accompany this title would have to depend on the oft-changed status of New Genesis and the whole Fourth World gang at the time it was written, but I like the idea of establishing a new Supertown hovering above India. I realize "India," isn't a very specific location, but to my mind the New Gods would fit in harmoniously with the polytheism enshrined in Hinduism and the ethnic, economic, religious, and social diversity of the Subcontinent.

"Superstition" - Superman hates magic; so, I just need to decide which magical villain I would most like to use. Also in the same vein: "Supernatural."

"Supercilious" - As I've sought out/thought up villains to augment Superman's great-but-not-numerous-enough rogues gallery, my favorite creation is Phantom Tom. Tom Cardy is a fucking bastard, a plagarizing, fabricating reporter for the Daily Star (if the Daily Planet is The New York Times, the Daily Star is the New York Post) and a batterer of women. Asshole. While Cardy and Clark Kent are covering an experiment at S.T.A.R. Labs for their respective newspapers, an accident obliterates Tom's body. Being comics, Tom doesn't actually die, instead waking up in the Phantom Zone. Thing is, he's not just in the Phantom Zone, he kind of is the Phantom Zone. He doesn't have a body, but he can appear in our world and communicate with the people therein and can also access all the detritus that has been dumped in the Zone over the years, as well as the individuals imprisoned there.

Tom Cardy was a genuinely bad guy to begin with; so, my hope is that Phantom Tom will outlast my particular tenure as a Superman writer and go on to be a recurring menace. The Phantom Zone was first discovered by Jor-El, Superman's genetic father, and a lot of Kryptonian jetsam and affiliated flotsam has been ditched in the Zone. Tom develops a pretty serious hatred for all things Kryptonian, namely Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, the Eradicator, and Krypto the Superdog. Eventually, he forms an organization called Black Zero, dedicated to the extermination of all things Krypton, starting with the Supers but extending to all the known pieces of Kryptonite, including the newly-created Kryptonite Man. (A Kryptonian terrorist group named Black Zero was responsible for the planet's destruction; so, Phantom Tom describes his Black Zero's activities as merely finishing the job they started.)

Anyway, before I fixated on the super- prefixes, I was going to call Phantom Tom's grand assault "Krypton Must Die," but "Supercilious" comes pretty close to how Tom the wife-beater regarded goody-goody Clark Kent even before Tom knew he was Superman.

Other possibilities include "Superfluous," "Superimpose," "Supercollider," "Supernova," "Superlative," "Supervision" (not to be confused with Superman's power of telescopic and microscopic "super-vision") and, if I get desperate, "Superb" and "Superior." Oh, and "Supercycle," another tale of Superman and the New Gods, presumably the Supercycle-riding Forever People.

*Originally titled Superman, the book was retitled The Adventures of Superman (starting with No. 424) after Crisis on Infinite Earths and a new Superman was launched with issue No. 1. In the aftermath of Infinite Crisis, the interregnum Superman has been cancelled (last issue No. 226) and Adventures has returned to its original title, Superman (No. 650).

1996
Action Comics
The Adventures of Superman
Superman
Superman: The Man of Steel
Superman: The Man of Tomorrow

2006
Action Comics
Superman