The other day, I had the most curious thought: what if I disappeared? Within the past week, I have been called, in chronological order, by Lindsay, Sardine, Pelsky, Mom and Dad, and the Bald Mountain; people can reach out and touch me at any time. What if I put a stop to it? What if I just didn't tell anyone my phone number in Boston? It would be hard to avoid Mom, Dad, and the Mountain, but it would be fairly easy to simply ditch everyone else. Start again from scratch. All new email addresses, no more Secret Base, how would anyone find me? One day I would simply be lost and gone forever.

The idea is both utterly repugnant and so very, very tempting.

A Superstitious and Cowardly Lot
Pelsky (formerly Neutral Man) and I saw The Italian Job this afternoon. Afterwards, in the mood for more Mark Wahlberg crime movies, we rented The Big Hit. We watched it back at my place. A little while after we finished it, Lauren decided to watch Snatch and we joined her. So, I've got crime on my mind. And the voice in my head has acquired a Cockney bend. Pikers.

A few notes on actors: Two Mark Wahlberg movies, two Jason Statham movies. Hmm, yeah, I'd say it's safe to call either actor a selling point. Like, I'm more likely to want to see a movie if it has either, or preferably both, or them in it. Normally, I find Charlize Theron to be not all that attractive and certainly not the end all and be all some claim. However, she's gorgeous in The Italian Job. To kill for.

Wilson
My dad called a little before ten o'clock, to share another Biblical reference he's uncovered in Star Wars. That's great, Pop, really great. And of course Mom wanted to speak to me, the sweetie. They are such fucking lunatics these days, bless 'em. I suppose that explains a thing or three about Grandma and Grandpa. Wilsons' minds go to rubbish in their old age, it's as simple as all that.

The Mountain called as soon as I got off the line with the folks. He sang karaoke the other night in a bar. What has happened to my brother and what have you people done with him? Oh, wait, wait, I forgot, this is the new David, the one who's been emerging for months now. Everything's okay now. Nobody should judge anybody else, most especially not me. Nuts to that. But, hell, what does it matter as long as he's having fun?

Donkeys and Elephants
It is not my purpose to be unnecessarily insulting, but watching the current contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination is like watching '88 all over again. Hear me out. The last time a conservative presidential candidate lost an election was 1964, when crazy Barry Goldwater lost to Jack Kennedy's ghost. Since then, the American electorate has grown consistantly more and more conservative. (Richard Nixon would be a Democrat today.) In 1988, the Democrats nominated ultra-liberal Michael Dukakis, who then handily lost the election to the moderate George "41" Bush, running on the strength of conservative Ronald Reagan's record.

In 1992, the Democrats nominated Bill Clinton, who we must remember was from the conservative wing of the Democratic Party. Clinton's only major liberal policy, socialized health care, went down in flames and he spent the last six years of his presidency ruling, very successfully, as a Republican-light. Yet, we must also bear in mind that Bill Clinton was a singluarly amazing individual, as charming and charismatic as Old Scratch himself. Perhaps it was only because of his unique skills that he was able to so successfully co-opt the Republican agenda. The Democrats certainly seem to think so, for, instead of continuing his policies of pulling the rug out from under the GOP, the Democrats have decided to go left.

"Red" Nancy Pelosi is the leader in the House. For the presidential nomination, John "Massachusetts Liberal" Kerry and Dick "Big Union" Gephart appear to be the frontrunners, though John "Trial Lawyer" Edwards has a lot of money and Howard "Peacenik" Dean has a certain McCain-esque appeal. What is wrong with these people? President "43" Bush, despite his reasonable demeanor, is a flaming conservative; why are the simply conceeding the middle to him and hoping to make a stand on the left? Folks, it won't work! It can't work. I'm sorry, there just aren't enough votes on the left, especially if Ralph Nader and the Green (Red) Party decide to play the spoiler once again (run, Ralph, run!).

The Republican Party should not be the majority party. Seventy years of elite, academic, and media dominance by liberals should have safely delivered this country into the hands of the Democrats; and yet, "43" is the President and the GOP completely controls the Congress. True, we are smart and guileful, but that alone cannot explain our nigh invincibility.

I'm glad when my party wins elections, it just doesn't make any sense to me.

I just had the strangest conversation with Sardine. Or rather, I just had the strangest conversation because it was with Sardine. She called from NYC. (By the way, she's very happy to be surrounded by other Italian-Americans, her last name being *redacted* and Ann Arbor not being exactly swamped with sons and daughters of Italia.) Before the Final Blowout at Macho Grande, I had not spoken with her in, quite literally, six to eight months. We were not what one would call friends. But I gave her my number at the Final Blowout and we got together to watch movies twice before she left. I am quite interested in her, yet my advances, such as they were, were rebuffed; the obvious explanation is the historically consistant one: she is simply not interested in me. Fair enough.

However, there is a small voice, akin to the dark bastard, that whispers they may be another explanation: it could simply have been bad timing. After all, she left a mere two weeks after the party. What would be the point of probing a relationship in such a short window of opportunity? I asked myself the same question, but answered it with the reckless bravado of carpe diem. It is of course entirely possible that we are merely friends and that she called from New York just to talk to me, because she enjoys talking to me. But I've got no decisive evidence either way; so, hope springs eternal. Besides, she is ever so cute.

Today's the day that I've set aside for plowing through the huge backlog of comics that I have to give a second reading before filing away. Jumpin' Jack Pratt, I read a lot of comic books.

The Bald Mountain called me yesterday, but I was out. He's so far out in the hinterland of upstate New York that his cell phine doesn't work. He's at the Seagle Music Colony, but something about that description doesn't sit right with me. He strongly objects to calling it a camp, but it seems an apt description for a two-month, thirty-member program that takes place in a remote location during the summer. "Music colony" makes me think of lousy beatniks and seems only one small step removed from being a commune for dirty hippies. Ooo, I hate dirty hippies.

Every dirty hippie need a good beating at the metal-tipped boots of some oi punks. I hate oi punks, too, but not as much as dirty hippies.

Anyway, I really miss the Mountain. The suckiest part about leaving Michigan is that I'm also leaving him. The best reason I can think of to be successful as a writer is to have the freedom to live where I want i.e. live wherever his work takes him. I don't think most people have a Bald Mountain, someone in their life who means as much to them as he does to me. If true, I pity those people.

One of the things for which I most hate frat boys is the way they bastardize and abuse the word "brother."

I just finished Season 3 of Deep Space Nine. The proper words of praise do not exist. And at the same time, fuck. I mean, the journey from "The Search, Part I" to "The Adversary" is amazing, but now I'm left to wait until August for "The Way of the Warrior" and the glories of the fourth season. Aw, crap. At least Sisko was finally promoted to Captain. Captain Benjamin Lafayette Sisko. Damn right.

Lindsay and I didn't talk on the phone for four weeks (late April/mid May). However, since reestablishing contact, she always calls me. I never have to call her. (She called a couple minutes ago and I'm on the phone with her right now.) It's weird. Every time I begin to think I should call, the phone rings and there she is. I'm not complaining, I just think it's slightly weird.

Catwoman
Ed Brubaker is the best writer in comics today. It's obvious as soon as you read a single issue of Catwoman. And Cameron Stewart's art is none too shabby either.

Holy Hannah, it was hot as Hell today. (I would have preferred to have said "it was hot as Hades today," but, sadly, I know enough about mythology to know that Hades was not a lake of fire like Perdition.) On the plus side, it was finally hot enough to convince the girls to turn on the AC. I cannot fathom their resistance. Sure, it costs money, but what the hell is the point of working if not to earn enough money to be comfortable in your own home?

"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than central air."

Last night (Tuesday), we went to Top of the Park and watched the free screening of Signs. It was the first time we've ever gone out as an apartment. As invariably happens when all three of us are together for long enough, they started complaining about Lifeguard Girl, their former roommate from whom I am subletting. So much hostility; I suppose, by way of contrast, I simply try not to mention the horrors of 1213.

Wow, only a month until my brithday. I'll be 24. After that, only a year until I'm 25, a quarter of a century old. Jesus. A quarter of a fucking century. I'm on death's doorstep and I haven't even done anything yet. See, here's the thing: I'm only going to live to be sixty. I figure sixty is long enough to have a life, a wife, and watch my kids grow up, but young enough to retain bladder control. (Or at least the limited degree of bladder control I currently enjoy.) Thus far, I have only two regrets about dying so "young": a) I shall not live to see the thousandth anniversary of the Norman Conquest, in 2066, and b) I will probably (I sincerely hope) miss Jon Mace's funeral, which should be a great time, judging by all the activities he has planned. The chief advantage is that I won't have to watch my friends die off one by one (or all at once in some kind of horrible mass extinction). But this raises the moral dilema of what to do about the Bald Mountain. I couldn't stand to watch him die; it would kill me. But, what would my death do to him?

Well, in any event, I've only got thirty-six years to make something of myself, win Lindsay, and make my enemies rue they day they crossed me. Rue, I tell you, ruuuuuuueeee!

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Part XIV
Episode Guide
Season Six
"The Armada, Part II" - The Ulysses leads the combined Tehlyri/Voth/Vidiian/Krenim/Hirogen/et al. armada against the Borg fleet "under" Auranus, while Captain McKenna and Princess Rafi (formerly Princess Rissa) lead an away team to the Tehlyri capital in search of Emperor Vorei. The armada manages to hold off the Borg long enough to evacuate most of the Tehlyri, but not even the experienced Vidiian surgeons can reverse the assimilation of the emperor. Enough of Vorei's will survives, however, to sacrifice himself for the destruction of Auranus's cube. As soon as the last armada ships enter the Borg transwarp conduits, an experimental Krenim device collapses the entrance, making pursuit impossible. While the other surviving Ascendants and their warmechas return to the Ascendant domain, Axis and the core intelligence of his ship, the Fulcrum, are invited to stay aboard the Ulysses. In a bitter coronation aboard the Tehlyri flagship, Rafi succeeds her slain father and is crowned Empress.

"History Project" - Liz visits with Agrippa, who has gained limited privilidges as reward for his help on the Tehlyri homeworld. She interviews him about his role in the Eugenics Wars and gains an uncomfortable understanding of the abyss that is his soul.

"Oblivion" - The Ulysses is falling apart and the crew cannot figure out why. Soon, the crew themselves begin to fall victim to an inexplicable sickness. Before a solution can be found, both the ship and crew disintegrate, perishing. In reality, though, these were the quicksilver aliens from "Mimic." In time, they had forgotten that they were duplicates and, thinking themselves the real crew of the Ulysses, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant. ("Course: Oblivion")

"Perfection, Part I" - As the ship passes a formerly inhabited planet, Lt. Annika Hansen, the deassmiliated Borg Starfleet officer, recalls having participated in the population's assimilation while she was a Borg. At that, Captain McKenna snaps. Between the torment Annika and Icheb feel over the evil they had committed as Borg and now Empress Rafi's reports of the slow, steady collapse of the Tehlyri resistance, she has had enough; the Ulysses is going to stop the Borg threat once and for all. She orders the wormhole device from "Reign of Khan" reassembled and visits the mad Krenim timelord Annorax in his prison outside space-time. Utilizing his expertise, she locates the point in the timestream from which the Borg originated. The Ulysses sets a course for the homeworld of the Ilani, the people who will one day be the Borg.

"Perfection, Part II" - On the Ilani homeworld, the crew go undercover and try to stop Dr. Aevo Lumin from launching her borg (Ilani for "collective") process, arguing that though it is benign in intent, in time the ruthless machine logic will overpower any organic compassion and twist the borg into something malevolent. Many Ilani agree with them, but many others hail the economic gains inherent in the increased productivity of collective workers. However, nothing can dissuade Dr. Lumin from her obsessive pursuit of, in her words, perfection. Agrippa, horrified that Captain McKenna had not simply annihiliated the Ilani with an orbital bombardment, attempts to detonate the capital city's central fusion reactor, wiping out Dr. Lumin, her research, and millions of innocents. Though the crew are able to stop him, killing him in the process, the attack raises support for the borg as a way to stop future terrorism. With public opinion still split, Captain McKenna will not annihilate the Ilani for crimes they have not yet committed, a decision supported by everyone but Sovok, who argues that the crew's consciences, even souls, are a small price to pay for forever stopping the Borg threat. As the Ulysses returns to the 24th century, Dr. Lumin holds a press conference, where she reveals her first "assimilated" borg, herself as the central nexus, or "queen."

"Blink of an Eye" - While studying a spacial anomaly, the crew learn that the ship has unwittingly served as the deity to a micro-sized civilization within. What is a god to do when the inhabitants prove they have the right stuff, carrying out a space program to make contact? ("Blink of an Eye")

"O Shining Muse" - When K'rena's shuttle crashes on a pre-warp planet, she tells a local playwright about the relationships aboard the Ulysses in exhange for supplies to make repairs. Greek tragedies about Nick and Kes, her relationship with Dan, and Naomi, Noah, and the other children on board. ("Muse")

"The Celestial Mandate" - The Borg destroyed the Voth civilzation back in "Kingdom of Shadows," and the Voth are quite unhappy about it. Twisting longstanding doctrine, they have chosen to blame the robotic Ascendant, Axis's people, for the fall of their organic civilzation. Coming to the Ascendant's aid, Captain McKenna finds herself caught up in some serious Voth soul-searching, a divide over who or what is to blame for their mighty Celestial Hierarchy having fallen. (from "Distant Origin")

"Murder By Starlight" - The Voth are coming to terms with their fall by joining the Tehlyri resistance, which has found a new home thanks to the Ascendant. But there are still hardline elements within the Voth who oppose an alliance with non-organics. Can the crew prove they responsible for the murder of a high ranking Voth official, even though the evidence points to an Ascendant, the best friend of Protocol Axis?

"Metropolis" - The Tehlyri and Voth fleets arrive at Metropolis, the Ascendant homeworld, a moon covered entirely by machines, in orbit of an M-class planet. While Empress Rafi and the Voth First Celestial settle their people on the planet, the Ascendant terrorist Zero-One reemerges in control of Doc's hologram and bent upon nothing less than the destruction of Metropolis.

"Bride of Chaotica!" - The crew routinely relax in a holographic recreation of a 1930s serial, the adventures of Captain Proton against his nemesis, Dr. Chaotica. The program endangers the ship, though, when photonic aliens mistake the holodeck for reality and the only way to defeat them is to play along with the mad Chaotica. ("Bride of Chaotica!")

"Inside Job" - Alien pirates hack into Doc's program in an effort to learn enough about the Ulysses to successfully seize the ship. In an effort to distract them, the crew run him through a multitude of scenarios, including a stink as captain. ("Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy")

"Monsters in the Dark" - After the Ulysses destroys a Phos cruiser in orbit of a defenseless colony, most of the crew are beamed down to repel the surface attack. In a subterranean colony without power, our heroes battle both demons made of living fire as well as their own fears. (from DS9's "Nor the Battle to the Strong" and "The Seige of AR-558")

"We Who Are About to Die" - Sovok is kidnapped and forced to fight as a gladiator in a Xelite casino. Surak, the father of Vulcan philosophy, teaches pacifism, but if Sovok does not fight and kill, he will die. ("Tsukatse")

"The Most Dangerous Game" - Holographically passing herself off as a Hirogen hunter, Captain McKenna discovers some nearby Hirogen are seeking a most unique prey, a creature which can see the future; what more challenging prey than one which can see every trap before it is set? (This is the first appearance of the Presari.) The Ulysses makes contact with the prey first and shockingly learn he is a Presari, cousins of the Ocampa. Unfortunately, they cannot prevent the Hirogen from claiming their trophy.

"Xanadu" - We once again find ourselves aboard the Revenge as Cole and Grak Xor locate the Gorn's long-departed allies, a Tholian ship which had been pulled into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker two years before "The Stars My Destination." Joining forces with the Tholians, they locate the wreck of the U.S.S. Xanadu, a Federation starship lost mere months before the Ulysses (and mentioned in the series pilot). They find two very interesting pieces of information: a) something the crew had done to the ship's warp drive had greatly increased the vessel's speed, but killed everyone aboard in the process. b) Contained in the ship's computers is the location of the nigh-mythical second Caretaker.

"Pyromancer" - Dan, Seventh, and Liz's shuttles crashes on a desolate moon, having been shot down by a Phos cruiser. With Seventh's robotic body severly damaged, Dan must stay with her to effect repairs, leaving Liz to hold off the approaching Phos. Liz uses her considerable powers to stop them, including heretofore unknown pyromancy, leading some of the Phos to mutiny and pledge their loyalty to her as the prophecized "divine pyromancer."

"Warbird" - On the thirtieth anniversary of her mother's defection to the Federation, K'rena stages The Triumph of the Warbird, a dramatic interpretation of the Romulan myth about their arrival on Romulus from Vulcan. Also, we see several scenes of K'rena's youth, illustrating her mother's simultaneous hatred of the Romulan Star Empire and fierce pride in being Romulan. (guest starring Tricia O'Neil and Erick Avari as K'rena's parents)

"The High Road, Part I" - Detecting Starfleet warp signatures ahead, Captain McKenna orders the Ulysses to a nearby system, where the ship is intercepted by several small vessels commanded by Starfleet officers! Escorted by the vessels, the crew travels to a space station where they find the U.S.S. Gulliver, a Starfleet Quasar-class science ship lost since three years before the Ulysses. The Gulliver's commanding officer is "Captain" (Lt.) Felix Aeschliman, the Operations Officer back in the Alpha Quadrant; Aeschliman defends his crew's decision to give the locals Starfleet technology, claiming they needed it to defend against predatory neighbors. The Ulysses crew's suspicions are aroused by conflicting reports regarding the nature of Captain Kao's, the rightful CO, death. The season ends with the Gulliver's crew seizing the Ulysses. ("Equinox, Part I")

I love my mother, but sometimes she isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. In a delightfully improbable coincidence, my apartment is in the building next door to my brother's. The address of my sublet is 320, No. 3. My brother's apartment is 326, No. 1. 320, No. 3 and 326, No. 1 are very similar addresses, I understand this. Nevertheless, one would think that it would not be beyond her capacity to differentiate between the two if only she would pay close attention. When last I was home, Mom expressed surprise that I had not yet received a package she had sent. I asked her, "Mom, did you send it to the right place?" I asked not because I think she's stupid, but because she has misaddressed mail before. She looked at my crossly and asserted she was certain she had properly addressed the package. A couple days ago, I received an email from the All-American Boy, the Bald Mountain's roommate, telling me he had some mail from my mom addressed to me. Today, I was able to pick up the package. It was addressed to 320, No. 1; so, technically, it was properly addressed to neither of us. Oh, Mom.

There are three places I could have gone today to see my friends: Boof Daddy's "Welcome Back" party for Saturday Night in Midland, Nick the Greek's little sister's open house in the GB, and the Flounders' picnic in Chelsea. Instead of any of those three, I am in Ann Arbor at the Animania screening. It was scheduled months ago and it's summer; so, we're already shorthanded. By my reckoning, I don't have a choice in the matter; I have a responsibility to be where I am.

Still, I don't know what it sez about me that I'm not unhappy to be where I am. Some days, I just don't want to see my friends. Some days I'd rather be around friendly acquaintances than the people I hold dearest in my heart. That sounds awful, probably because it is. "Hi, my name is Mike and I'm a monster."

Damn Good Advice
Don't listen to Blink-182's "Josie" and think about Lindsay on the same day. To be perfectly frank, it doesn't so much bother me that she has a boyfriend. Not anymore, not nearly as much as it once did. What she feels for him has nothing to do with me. The root of my sadness is that I am merely her friend. "She's so smart and independent, I don't think she needs me/Quite half as much as I know I need her."

Tuesday night Lindsay said I probably have bad karma. What in the Sam Hill do you suppose that means?

Let me say this about the new Blogger interface: though it initially kicked me out at random moments, the new system has not yet lost a single post and, for the first time in a long time, my archives are consistently accessable. The guys at Pyra are still fucknuts, though.

Public Enemy
Monday night, Guy Zach Nie!, the Professor, Anna H., and I went to trivia night at Conor O'Neill's. The trivia night guy, Jeff, was his usual annoying self, but a grand time was had by all. A beer may always be a beer, but a Guinness is not always a Guinness. At Conor's, Guinness just tastes better. (As happens more often than not, no one was sitting at Lindsay's and my table. Hmm, there must be a vibe or something.) In any event, after trivia night, we decided to play some Art Truck - the greatest video game in the known universe - over at Pinball Pete's. Now, Zach Nie! has quite a sunburn from our half-round of golf on Sunday; it's too red and sore to resist. Near the Law Quad, Jon made his move. Zach, always quick on hs feet, dodged and raised his fists in defense. While they laughed and maneuvered, clearly two friends just fucking around, a U of M cop car approached. The occifer asked to see both of their IDs and asked Anna H. and me to step away. Seeing that there was no way to avoid this ridiculous harassment, I decided to walk Anna the rest of the way back to her place. When I returned perhaps three minutes later, a second U of M patrol car was driving off, the first car was still parked by Jon and Zach, and a U of M patrolman approached on foot. I took a seat on the grass maybe twenty feet from the boys and watched increduously as a fourth police unit, this time an Ann Arbor bicycle cop, rolled up. Four separate police units responded to a Caltech chemistry grad student trying to smack the sunburn of his Pottery Barn employee/agent of chaos friend. Ridiculous.

I suppose I should simply be grateful that I live in a place without any real crime to fight.

Weird Al Strikes Again
This should make The watergirl happy: on "Weird Al" Yankovic's new album, Poodle Hat, there is an Avril Lavigne parody, "A Complicated Song." It's about indigestion and incest and all manner of other awful things. Take that, you faux punk Canuck pixie!

Attention: The TV show Family Guy sucks. How do I know this, since I do not watch it? Because I have been informed that in yesterday's episode Lois, the wife, desperate for collateral after she exhausted her cash, gambled away the family car in an Indian casino. Gee, a wife with a gambling problem, where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah The fucking Simpsons. If you like Family Guy, you are a tool.

In that vein: Tool, the most aptly named band since Garbage. And: Garbage, the most aptly named band since Tool. And Dylweed, Radiohead really does suck ass.

It's been an odd week, but with a little luck the end of "Retroactively Making Star Trek: Voyager Good" will be here soon. I've been watching episodes of Voyager the last few times I've been home. It hasn't been pleasant, but I believe it is important to understand why things don't work. It is important to understand how things can go so terribly wrong from the very beginning.

Yesterday, I was Mr. Popular. I got calls from Lindsay, Dylweed, and Sardine. Linz informed me of the evil that is Mr. Winkle, Dylweed and I set up plans for lunch (today, I had lunch with him and his bride, the lovely Kristy), and at midnight I went over to Sardine's to watch About a Boy. Still no making out with Sardine.

Curses.

Who Dares Wins
2-1 against the Professor (1-2) and the Guy (0-3) in Risk yesterday. Plus, they took me golfing for the first time. Blue Tree Whacking forever.

Okay, now, what the fuck? This is yet another new screen, similar in design to the old screen. Hey, jackasses, I was just trying to get used to the new screen and now you spring this new new screen on me? You guys are jerks, you know that, just plain jerks.

Th Mousemobile is steering much better since Dad and I put in some new power steering fluid. Imagine that.

I just got a call from Nicky the Greek, home from OSU. I haven't seen that kid since Christmas. Sweet. I've gotta go.

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Interlude
Episode Guide
Season One
"Leviathan" - The Ulysses, looking to collect useful gases, enters a nebula only to discover that it is in fact a huge spaceborne organism. K'rena proves herself to Captain McKenna, who appoints her Chief Engineer. (This is the first regular episode of Odyssey after the pilot, "The Stars My Destination.") (from "Parallax" and "The Cloud")

Season Three
"Never Forget" - Kes suffers a series of traumatic flashbacks, experiencing the horrors of a campaign of ethnic cleansing. She discovers that she is not hallucinating, but experiencing the memories of several alien passengers. ("Remember")

"Worst Case Scenario" - Nick discovers an old holodeck program Sovok had written as a training exercise. Things take a deadly turn when modifications made by Elar Korat/Cesca emerge, modifications meant to trap, torture, and kill Sovok. ("Worst Case Scenario")

Season Four
"Scientific Method" - The Ulysses is infiltrated by a race of cloaked alien scientists, who subject the unsuspecting crew to increasingly bizarre and deadly experiments. ("Scientific Method")

"The Omega Directive" - The Ulysses exhibits extremely non-Federation behavior by launching assaults on a series of alien research labs. Captain McKenna reveals that she is following Starfleet's Omega Directive, a sort of anti-Prime Directive known only to officers of the rank Captain and above. The aliens were experimenting with a particle considered so dangerous to the known univerve that the Omega Directive authorizes its destruction by any means necessary. ("The Omega Directive")

"Vis-a-Vis" - An alien test pilot befriends Nick and invites him to leave the Ulysses for a life of bleeding edge experimental flying. When he declines, the pilot steals his DNA and makes his escape, looking and sounding for all the world like our Mr. Locarno. ("Vis-a-Vis")

No joy with Sardine, but at least I got to watch Donnie Darko again. Superman ice cream is the absolute best.

I don't know when Fishy's tail got so long and flowing, but he's looking quite graceful these days. I definitely need to get him a five gallon tank.

Neutral Man and I lifted on Tuesday; we're going to do it again as soon as he calls. It is truly pathetic how little either of us can lift. I'm just embarrassed. How can I be so weak? Brad's never been an athlete; so, he's covered, but I play Flounder polo three times a week and I'm one of the strongest Flounders. I just don't get it. The only way to remedy the situation is of course to keep lifting and hope no one notices what a little nancy I have become.

And now a moment to contemplate the startling beauty of Lexa Doig.

This is an experiment with the new, and vastly inferior, interface.

And now, for ice cream and a movie with Sardine.

I make no secret of the fact that I oppose change. This is not an iron pronouncement; I am not against all change. A lot of change is necessary and beneficial. However, the fact remains that I am generally against change. Case in point, the new Blogger interface is vastly inferior to the old interface. If this had been the Blogger interface when I started blogging, I would have used a different service. Once again, this demonstrates that Pyra Labs blows.

This past weekend, at the Final Blowout at Macho Grande, I drank a Jones Soda. The bottle cap read, "The tide of change approaches." Now, this filled me with dread, as the only fortunes in which I put any stock (not really) are Jones fortunes. (This Blogger thing? No, that's not what the bottle cap was talking about, that's just the guys at Pyra being worthless trash.) "The tide of change approaches" is a harbinger of doom. (Insert Seth's cheerful, "I'm doomed!") Of course, the Bald Mountain refused to see the Jones fortune for what is was; however, when I showed the cap to EPM's roomie Sardine, she agreed with me that a) it's bad and b) change is generally to be feared. We had a lovely conversation about the ill effects of change in both our lives and provided examples.

Anyway, as a result of our conversations at the Final Blowout at Macho Grande (I want to write a book titled The Final Blowout at Macho Grande), I now have a little crush on Sardine. We talked Saturday night and last night, but haven't been able to see each other. I'm going to call her as soon as I'm done here. I have no idea what she's thinking, but if the opportunity presents itself I'm going to kiss her.

Sunday and Monday were no fun days. And tonight, because my stupid parents had to raise me to have a conscience, I'm going in to work to help out the one sup I absolutely hate, the jackass whose speech patterns drive me to murderous thoughts. Lousy do-gooding.

My buddy Crew's infatuated with a girl named Britten. Now they would make just about the oddest-named-pair-whose-names-sound-almost-normal one could imagine. Crew & Britten.

The word of the day: monstrous.

My apologies for not being around. DSL has been offline in my apartment since Thursday and I had a very busy weekend (both good and bad). Repair crew is coming tomorrow, but even in service is not restored to the apartment, I'm only working in the morning (as opposed to working twelve hours today); so, I should have some time to blog.

5 Things I Hate That Most People Like*
1. baseball
2. the Olympics
3. Michael Douglas
4. Austin Powers in Goldmember
5. Dave Matthews Band
*or "5 Examples of Most People Not Knowing Their Arse From a Hole in the Ground"

In other news, even sqeaky clean Sammy Sosa has been revealed to be a filthy cheater. Ha! The last good thing about baseball has been corrupted. Now all I need to make my day is for that accursed "sport" to be swallowed up by the earth.

The days are just packed.

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Part XIII
Episode Guide
Season Four
"Revulsion" - K'rena and Doc investigate a ship found adrift in space. Doc begs to go when it is found the ship has a holographic matrix throughout its decks. They encounter a hologram who greets Doc as a brother, a fellow "photonic slave." Further investigation reveals that the ship was damaged when the hologram, fed up over not being treated as an equal, murdered his crew. ("Revulsion")

Season Five
"Kingdom of Shadows, Part II" - The Tehlyri-lead fleet, joined by the massive city-ships of the Voth defenders, manage to destroy the Borg cube orbiting the Voth throneworld, but at the cost of high casualites. Before our heroes can celebrate, however, a larger Borg force is detected emerging from the transwarp conduit network; in destroying the first cube, the Tehlyri have not defended the Voth throneworld, simply bought more time to evacuate it. While as many Voth as possible are evacuated, the Tehlyri fleet goes against two hundred years of tactical doctrine and directly engages a squadron of Borg cubes, with sadly predictable results. The Ulysses, with Princess Rissa aboard, stays as long as possible, but eventually Captain McKenna orders the retreat back to the hidden Tehlyri base. The Tehlyri fighting force has been decimated, but the emperor takes solace in having saved literally billions of Voth. Sympathetic though she is to the Tehlyri cause, Captain McKenna declines Emperor Vorei's invitation to stay and join the resistance; she is still determined to get her crew home to the Alpha Quadrant, which has its own problems with the Borg. Still, she agrees to transport a group of about fifty deassimilated Borg back to their respective homeworlds, along with a contingent of Tehlyri soldiers.

"In the Mood" - Nick and Kes find out that they are going to have a baby while at the same time Sovok experiences pon farr. Eliabeth and Benicio explore what it means to be together now that Rissa is gone and after K'rena "helps" Sovok, she finds she can no longer deny the way she feels about Dan. I told you, on Odyssey everybody gets laid.

"Lotus" - Though just recently resupplied, the ship stops at a planet whose herbs may be medically useful to the Doctor. However, when it comes time to leave they find that some members of the away teams are quite content to stay. (The Odyssey and from "Bliss")

"The Big Day" - After the one-month Ocampa pregnancy, Kes and Nick's baby is here! Nick is simultaneously freaked out about being a dad and still bitter toward his own father, while Neelix and Kes renew their friendship, thinking about how things might have been if they'd stayed together. Plus, Doc isn't exactly sure exactly how fast the baby, a human-Ocampa hapa, will grow. By the way, it's a girl, Elisabeth Alixia Locarno.

"Revisionist History" - Two hundred years after a visit from the Ulysses, the inhabitants of a racially divided planet have two differing, highly-politicized views of the ship's legacy. A back-up copy of Doc is caught in the middle when he tries to clear the ship's good name. ("Living Witness")

"Death's Head" - Cole launches a deadly biological attack against the Ulysses; not really surprising since the Revenge is, after all, a Vidiian ship. Doc and Kes race to find a cure while an ailing Benicio assumes command and tries to elude Cole's pursuit.

"Assimilation" - The ship approaches the planet Arturis, where they will drop off the last half of their deassimilated Borg, originally Arturians. Some of them are glad to be going home, while a group of others are having a harder time acting as individuals and try their best to act collectively. Through their eyes, we see the multitudinous nightmares that come from being part of the Collective. Two deassimilated Borg remain aboard, Icheb, a natural born Borg, and his adoptive mother, Annika Hansen, a human Starfleet officer assimilated in the initial Borg probe of 2364, referred to in The Next Generation's "The Neutral Zone." (from various episodes exploring Seven(th) of Nine's life as a Borg)

"Thirty Days" - Nick disobeys orders and is confined to the brig for thrity days, during which time he dictates a letter to his father, explaining why he did what he did and how he thinks that proves he's not the same man he used to be. Without even actually saying a word to him, Nick grows much closer to his dad. ("Thirty Days")

"Timeless" - The test flight of an experimental engine goes horribly awry, but Benicio and Dan make it back to the Alpha Quadrant. From fifteen years in the future, the two set out to right a wrong: the death of everyone else aboard the Ulysses, even at the cost of possibly never getting home. ("Timeless")

"Suicide Kings" - For no discernible reason, the Ulysses is attacked by a series of increasingly powerful automated drones. The crew capture one the drones intact and K'rena reverse engineers the means to track its point of origin. Captain McKenna sets a course, fully prepared to kick ass. She confronts the drones' masters, the Xelites, a race of energy beings obsessed with gambling; the attacks on the Ulysses had been just another game of chance. (This is the first appearance of the Xelites.)

"Snake Eyes" - Rather than face the wrath of the ship's phaser banks, the Xelites have agreed to repair all the damage their drones did to the Ulysses. Meanwhile, the crew enjoy the Xelite homeworld: the entire planet is a casino, with every kind of gambling in the known universe. Ahead a fortune in a high-stakes card game, Neelix pushes his luck and loses big. His opponent, a Xelite mob boss, takes the one thing in the universe that is most precious to him: his ship, retroactively renamed the Talax Hawk.

"The Heist" - The game in which Neelix lost the Hawk was fixed, and Elisabeth is not about to let one of her crew get cheated. The crew put their Starfleet technical expertise and Maquis cunning to work to pull off the score and make a quick getaway. There's nothing quite like a good heist movie.

"Prey" - A hunting party of Hirogen assault the ship and kidnap Kes, taking her to a remote planet. They believe her unique telepathic and telekinetic powers would make her very exciting prey. By the time the Ulysses catches up, Kes has proven more "exciting" than their weapons and traps could handle.

"Mimic" - The Ulysses lands on a dangerous planet with an atmosphere of acid and terrain just as pleasant. When Dan falls down a chasm and climbs back out no longer needing his EVA suit, it occurs to the crew that the quicksilver pools all around them may not be all they appear. The only way the quicksilver beings can communicate is by duplicating a crewmember. After a healthy cultural exchange, the crew leave their quicksilver doubles behind. ("Demon")

"The Pirate King" - The whole episode is narrated from the Revenge, as Cole regales his first mate, Grak Xor, with the tale of how he passed the time between being put off the ship in "The Mutiny" and finally catching up with the Ulysses in "Black Flag." He killed and stole his way across Vidiian, Sankur, and Krenim space, all in the name of bloody vengeance. Only after he kills Captain McKenna is Cole interested in getting back to the Alpha Quadrant.

"Hadrian's Wall" - The Ulysses gives an alien pilgrim passage to a seemingly dead world. Soon after beaming him down, the ship is intercepted by Protocol Axis and his ship, the Fulcrum. The alien pilgrim was the Ascendant terrorist Zero-One, who has devised a method to store his program in the humanoid brain. The planet was sealed off nine hundred years ago by the Voth in order to imprison its inhabitants; before the crew and Axis can stop him, Zero-One penetrates the defenses and unseals a cave full of molten lava. The lava comes to life, revealing itself to be the Phos, a powerful race of beings made of molten rock and living fire. (This is the first appearance of the Phos.) Aw, crap. (from "Dragon's Teeth")

"Field Trip" - Liz, Kes and Nick's daughter, is by this point a teenager, though now that she's endured puberty Doc thinks her growth will slow down, though still be skewed towards Ocampa rather than human rates of development. Sovok leads her and the Wildman twins, Naomi and Noah, born back in the first season, on an educational field trip to a nearby arborial planet. Adventure ensues.

"The Armada, Part I" - A Borg transwarp conduit opens up near the ship, but to the crew's relief it is not a cube, but a Tehlyri ship carrying Princess Rissa. In the year since "Kingdom of Shadows," the Borg have been relentlessly hunting down the Tehlyri and are now approaching their homeworld. For the first time, the Ulysses turns around, aiming away from the Alpha Quadrant. Though the Tehlyri normally avoid the transwarp conduits for fear of detection, these are desperate times, and Captain McKenna uses them to gather every ally she can: Vidiians, tempted by Borg technology as a potential weapon against the phage; Krenim, tempted by Borg temporal expertise; Hirogen, looking for the ultimate prey; the Ascendant, who just want to do the right thing, pledging Axis's Fulcrum and a score of identical behemoths to the cause. McKenna's armada emerges from the transwarp network to see the Tehlyri homeworld surrounded by twenty-six cubes under the direction of Vorei's former general Marzian Guinan, now assimilated as Auranus of Borg.

Inspired by The Watergirl's "Pocket-Sized Republican (PSR)," I've devised yet another permutation of The Last Angry Man: I am The Last Angry Moderate Republican.

Braylon Edwards sez I'm a prick
Braylon Edwards is a star on the University of Michigan football team. I work in the Intramural Program of the Recreational Sports Department. I do not make policy, but it is my duty to enforce policy. It doesn't matter whether or not I agree with policy; no one put a gun to my head, I knew what the job entailed when I took it. Last night, a softball team composed of U of M football players, including Mr. Edwards, played their first playoff game. Mr. Edwards chose not to bring his MCard (student ID). Intramural policy is that all players have to present their MCards before every game; if you don't want to show your MCard that is your business, but by playing in our league you are agreeing to our rules, among them the MCard policy. When told he could not play, Mr. Edwards approached me and explained that he had already shown his MCard "fourteen times" (there are four regular season games) and did not feel he should have to present it again. "How many people are there on the U of M campus named Braylon Edwards?" I told him that while I was certain he was the only one, and that I was certain he was who he said he was, he still had to present his MCard or I could not allow him to play. I told him that if I let him play without his MCard, I'd have to let everyone play without an MCard. I have to treat everyone the same. "No, I don't think you do," he replied. Still, I held my ground and he sent David Underwood, another player, to get both their MCards. Oh, yeah, and he also said, "I want to play, but I didn't think he'd [me] be a prick about it."

This sort of thing happens all the time. I mean, I understand that people are idiots and can't remember a very simple rule: no MCard, no game. But, this thing with Braylon surprised me. Normally, the treating-everyone-the-same line works like a charm. Even the most arrogant Jersey frat boy seems to understand the principle of universal fairness. I've seen that line take the fire out of many eyes; come on, who can argue against fairness? But he honestly thought he should be treated differently than everyone else. I said I had to be consistent in my dealings with everyone. Without missing a beat he insisted that he deserved special treatment. Wow.

I love the game of football. For years, I have argued that I don't like football players, but that I still liked the game. Perhaps this was unfair. After all, they are encouraged to be as hyperaggressive as they are in order to be better players, to be more than they are for the good of the game and the amusement of the fans. I want them to be assholes, just like I want my fighter pilots to be mad-dog killers, because it keeps me safe at night. What kind of a hypocrite am I, though, to wish these monsters into existence, but then despise them for being just as I need them to be? In order to push himself on the practice field and in the Ohio State game, Braylon Edwards needs to believe himself to be a god; I'm the asshole for demanding that he be made a god, but then feeling afronted by him when he acts as such. The only non-contradictory ways out of this conundrum are to stop loving football or accept that football players are entitled to the special treatment they demand.

Or learn to be happy as a hypocrite.

Today's Get Fuzzy
For those of you who do not read Get Fuzzy, Bucky is Rob's cat.

Bucky: Robert, I'd like to give you a chance to get in on the ground floor of a very exciting investment opportunity. It's called Bucky's House for Wayward Monkeys.
Rob: You're proposing a monkey shelter?
Bucky: Technically, it's not so much a shelter as it is a work program. They would be mining diamonds.
Rob: Diamonds.
Bucky: Well, rocks. I'm going to tell them they're diamonds to motivate them.
Rob: And you expect me to believe you wouldn't just eat these monkeys?
Bucky: Oh, I'd be eating them, sure. Right after they tire themselves out smashing rocks.
Rob: I'm going to ask you to leave now.
Bucky: I find your aggressive manner to be off-putting. Nevertheless, I'm still willing to let you contribute to the monkey fund.

Tyr Anasazi, out of Victoria by Barbarossa.

Tamerlane Anasazi, out of Freya by Tyr.

Michael Wilson, out of Joyce by Fredrick. (Yeah, I know, my dad's name is spelled Fredrick, not the usual Frederick. What can I say? We're freaks. Freaks and puny humans, not Nietzscheans.)

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Part XII
At this point, I'm torn. I want to keep developing new allies and enemies, but I've already got over a hundred episodes of Odyssey. The Bald Mountain made the excellent point that I want to leave room for the other writers, theoretical though they may be, to work, since they will invariably have good ideas that would never occur to me. Well, at any rate I want to keep developing two species, the Ascendant and the Phos; so, I'll just wait and see where they take me.

Episode Guide
Season Four
"Reign of Khan, Part II" - While the human coalition launches a D-Day-sized offensive against the seat of Khan's power, New Dehli, the senior staff race to destroy their missing shuttlecraft. Neelix disobeys a direct order and dives the Ulysses into Earth's atmosphere in a desperate attempt to save the away team; as the ship swoops over Khan's palace-fortress, the viewscreen shows a single spaceship, the Botany Bay, launching into orbit. The timeline repaired, Nick races the ship back through the wormhole before it collapses. Only too late do the crew discover they have a stowaway, one of Khan's rivals, Agrippa.

"Perchance to Dream" - The crew's dreams are invaded by a race of malevolent energy beings. Unable to wake crewmembers once they are asleep, Doc forces Benicio to stay awake for days until they can hunt down the aliens' base. ("Waking Moments")

"The Superior Intellect" - Agrippa makes his move to assume command of the Ulysses, a scheme he's been preparing since he realized he was stranded in the future. Captain McKenna opens his eyes to the mistake of eugenic supermen in every century: underestimating Starfleet captains.

"Message in a Bottle" - The Ulysses happens upon an alien communications network that spans halfway across the galaxy and, checking to see that coast is clear, hack into it. They detect a Federation starship on the far end of the network and transmit the only signal strong enough the endure the alien comm protocols: Doc's program. He arrives aboard the U.S.S. Sulu, two years into a five-year deep space mission; the Sulu is in dire straits herself, as her scans of the network have destablized the power source of the local comm exchange: an artificial singularity. Doc delivers official reports for Starfleet and personal letters for the crew's families, but is transferred back to the Ulysses before the Sulu is out of the woods. ("Message in a Bottle")

"Predators" - The builders of the comm network detect the ship's illegal hack and come to investigate. The builders, a race of big-game hunters called the Hirogen, do not find the ship and move off in search of their prey. (This is the first appearance of the Hirogen.) The Ulysses shadows the Hirogen to the wreck of a Gorn ship, which Neelix recognizes as having seen brought to the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker. The Ulysses locates the last survivor, Grak Xor, and rescues him before the Hirogen can make the kill. (from "Hunters")

"The Killing Game, Parts I and II" - The Hirogen Alpha from "Predators" returns with a full hunting party and this time the Ulysses is his prey. The ship plays cat-and-mouse through several star systems until the Hirogen overwhelm the ship's defenses and board. A massive, desperate firefight ensues as the crew struggle to keep their heads off the Hirogen's trophy walls. Grak Xor enthusiastically avenges his slaughtered crewmates while Agrippa, freed from house-arrest in his quarters, improbably defeats a massive (7', 350 lbs.) Hirogen in hand-to-hand combat. Defending Sickbay, Kes demonstrates a remarkable increase in her telekinesis. Eventually, the predators become the prey. A great big shoot-'em-up, just what is needed now and then. (from "The Killing Game, Parts I and II")

"Resistance" - Captain Mckenna confronts that which she has feared since entering the Delta Quadrant: a Borg cube. Before the ship is assimilated, however, an alien vessel decloaks and engages the cube: it is a warship of the mysterious Shadows. (This is the first appearance of the Tehlyri.) The Ulysses moves in to assist, but is forced off when her shields are disabled. Moments before the cube inevitably overwhelms the Tehlyri ship, the latter beams over a small party and kamikazes into the cube at warp speed, utterly destroying it. Crown Princess Rissa explains that the Tehlyri Imperium has successfully resisted the Collective for two centuries, greatly impressing the crew. Neelix is surprised to actually meet "the Shadows," whom he had considered mythical.

"Black Flag" - The Ulysses is attacked by something the crew thought they'd never see again, a Vidiian cruiser, oddly emblazened with a skull-and-crossbones. Hunter Cole, exiled since the failure of his mutiny, is back. His crew of pirates execute a Maquis-trademark raid against the ship's armory and make a quick getaway, but our heroes track them down and recover or destroy everything they stole. However, Cole is able to convince Grak Xor to leave the Ulysses and join him on the Revenge.

"War Machine" - While in pursuit of a massive, mysterious warship that had killed thousands aboard a nearby orbital habitat, the Ulysses is contacted by an identical warship. (This is the first appearance of the Ascendant.) Aboard is Protocol Axis, a security officer of the Ascendant Imperative, a machine civilization. The marauding warship is controlled by a renegade A.I. calling itself Zero-One. While comparing and contrasting himself and his nonsentient-A.I. ship to Seventh Prix and Doc, Axis is aided by the crew in destroying Zero-One's ship and taking the unembodied virus into custody.

"Alone" - For the month long voyage through a strange barrier that emits a lethal form of radiation, the crew are placed in specifically constructed stasis chambers, while Neelix, who is not vulnerable to the radiation, and Doc are left to run the ship. Spending all that time with only the Sickbay-bound Doc for company, Neelix reflects that the barrier is the farthest he had ever journeyed before joining the crew; thus, he can no longer act as Captain McKenna's guide or local expert. Adding to his troubles, he starts seeing things. ("One")

"Kingdom of Shadows, Part I" - Guided by Princess Rissa, the Ulysses arrives at the secret, hidden homeworld of the Tehlyri resistance. Gathered in orbit are thousands of ships from hundreds of cultures, refugees and warriors from countless worlds assimilated by the Borg. Having befriended the princess, the crew are greeted by Emperor Vorei, who recognizes our heroes as kindred spirits and generously offers to refit and resupply the ship. With Dan as Best Man, K'rena as Maid of Honor, and Neelix as Father of the Bride, Nick and Kes are married by Captain McKenna. The emperor's finest general, an El Aurian named Marzian Guinan, has finally convinced his liege to mount a more active resistance to the Borg and the Tehlyri fleet is preparing to strike. Awed by the nobility of the Tehlyri's centuries old mission, the crew join the quest and the Ulysses follows the fleet into a transwarp conduit, bound for the Borg's next target: the throneworld of the powerful Voth Hegemony.

More to Come
Seasons five, six, and seven. After the "Episode Guide," we'll have a final "Dramatis Personae," covering both friends and foes, and after that I don't know what else I can really do regarding Star Trek: Odyssey.

Two Items
a) John Walsh is Batman. Think about it, one bad thing happened to him and so he dedicated his entire life to fighting an all-out war on crime. Bruce Wayne lost his parents, John Walsh lost his son. In both cases, thousands upon thousands of criminals reaped the whirlwind, though they had personally done nothing to the man. John Walsh is Batman. Never believe anyone who tells you there aren't really superheroes.

b) Fewer than two days until Finding Nemo. God bless the fine folks at Pixar.

There weren't any new comics today, they've been delayed until tomorrow because of Memorial Day. The second season of Enterprise concluded last week; so, there's no new episode tonight. This travesty is supposed to be Wednesday? What the hell day is this?

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK:VOYAGER GOOD, Part XI
If you like Star Trek, you'll love Star Trek: Odyssey. If you don't like Star Trek, well, fuck you.

The Plot Thickens
In the seventh season write-up, there is an episode called "The Devil You Know." It features a group of extradimensional aliens who can go blow-for-blow with the Borg; this concept was borrowed from Voyager, the so-called Species 8472. I've determined that's all a load of hogwash. When we get to season seven, there will still be a "The Devil You Know," but it will showcase an all-new adversary for the Borg, much more akin to something from Babylon 5.

Episode Guide
Season Two
"Lifesigns" - (This episode takes place early in the season, before "Children of the Phage.") The Ulysses answers a distress call and beams over a Vidiian near death, though from physical trauma, not the phage. Placing her body in stasis, Doc transfers the woman's brain patterns into a hologram. While they work together to repair her body, the woman, Dr. Danara Pel, begins to have feelings for the Doctor. Kes and several others encourage him to explore both a relationship with Danara and his own "humanity." Doc, however, has no desire to be more human, nor human at all, and rejects Danara, insisting he isn't a lifeform of any kind. ("Lifesigns")

Season Three
"Marooned, Part II" - Korat cannot believe that Kazon Pasha left Captain McKenna and the crew alive, even though stranded. Finally having had enough, she assassinates Kazon and declares herself leader of all the pashates which had gathered to capture the Ulysses. She directs the ship back to the primative planet to finish the crew off. Meanwhile, Nick and Neelix have reached Haakonian space and been given a squadron of fighters to help retake the ship. Guided by Kes's powerful telepathy, they locate the crew; picking up the captain, K'rena, and Sovok, they set off to reclaim their ship. With Doc and Suder conducting a campaign of sabotage, the Falcon and Haakonians intercept the Ulysses, culminating in a dramatic duel between McKenna and Korat. ("Basics, Part II")

"To Boldly Go" - This is the 30th anniversary of Star Trek episode (1966-1996). Elisabeth and Sovok celebrate the anniversary of their families' friendship: two generations of Vulcans and four generations of humans. The episode takes place in 2267, aboard the U.S.S. Endeavour NCC-1895, highlighting the day that Captain Elisabeth Rose (McKenna, playing her own great-grandmother) and her Chief Engineer Commander Sonak (Sovok, playing his father) met her new science officer and future husband, Lt. Angus McKenna (Nick). The whole cast in original series costume, a salute and thanks to the original series. (from DS9's "Trials and Tribble-ations")

"False Profits" - In an episode of The Next Generation, "The Price," a pair of Ferengi were stranded in the Delta Quadrant. The Ulysses catches up on what they've been doing for the last seven years. ("False Profits")

"Devil's Island" - Nick and Dan are accused of being terrorists and sentenced to a hellish prison planet. Captain McKenna proves their innocence, but still the authorities refuse to release them; so, our heroes launch a daring jailbreak, taking on an entire world. ("The Chute")

"Before and After" - Kes experiences time in reverse from the moment of her death, years in the future. She sees her possible family to be and gains valuable insight into the time-twisting Krenim, this season's villains (wink). Alt history, time travel, big fun. ("Before and After")

"Sacred Ground" - When Nick is rendered comatose in an alien sanctuary, the only way to heal him is for Elisabeth to participate in a religious test of faith. She seeks advise, learning about the Talaxian pantheon, the Ocampa's worship of the Caretaker, Vulcan philosophy, and Benicio's Catholic grandmother. ("Sacred Ground")

"The Fugitive" - At a space station outside a dangerous nebula, the crew learn that Neelix is a wanted criminal. We see flashbacks of a deal gone sour with his old friend Wixiban, and the shady character Neelix used to be. Citing the good man he's become since joining the crew, Captain McKenna refuses to turn him over, even though it costs the ship needed supplies. ("Fair Trade")

"The Joining" - In a Krenim attack, Lt. (j.g.) Lenza Prix is mortally wounded. Heightening the tragedy, she is a joined Trill. Though Lenza is doomed, Doc believes he can save the Prix symbiont; however, there is no one onboard who could act as a suitable host. K'rena devises a solution: a Praelor robot; she and Doc work together to modify the design to sustain the biological functions of the symbiont. The resulting cyborg has a difficult time adjusting to its new life, but Prix eventually concludes that the artificial brain of the robot is sufficiently interesting to serve as a host and adopts a masculine personality and the name Seventh Prix.

"Warlord" - An alien tyrant transfers his consciousness into Kes's body and uses her in his coup d'etat. However, he underestimates the "little girl" and finds her more than he can handle. ("Warlord")

"Unnatural Disasters" - While investigating a series of seemingly natural disasters, the crew determine they're being caused by a hostile race, determined to drive the planet's miners away and claim the resources for themselves. Meanwhile, Neelix and Sovok are trapped in an orbital elevator with an unknown murderer and everyone aboard is a suspect. ("Rise")

"The Year of Hell, Parts I and II" - Having had several unpleasant run-ins with the imperialist Krenim Republic, the Ulysses encounters a ship unlike any other: the entire ship is a temporal weapon. Commanded by the mad genius Annorax, the Restoration has the ability to rewrite history; their temporal weapon retroactively removes its target from history, thus realigning every event that target had ever effected. Themselves isolated from the changing timelines, Annorax's crew are attempting to restore their embittered captain's long-dead wife, an irresponsible use of temporal technology that has alienated their fellow Krenim. The Ulysses is protected due to the chrono-torpedo that caused Kes's jumps in "Before and After," but suffers the consequences of a universe gone mad. After enduring months of shifting, savage timelines that leave the ship in shambles, Captain McKenna is able to lead the Krenim fleet to Annorax and destroy the Restoration. The ship's destruction leaves Annorax imprisoned in a timeless limbo, though Captain McKenna tells the Krenim he is dead. ("Year of Hell, Parts I and II")

"Shanghaied" - An innocent and confused alien suddenly appears on the Ulysses, while at the same instant Nick disappears. While the crew fruitlessly search for a cause, more crewman are exchanged for aliens. Too late, they realize the aliens are taking over the ship; they are pacifist pirates who seize ships by bloodlessly replacing the crews. While the aliens auction off the ship, the crew work to escape from their idyllic prison. ("Displaced")

"In the Land of the Blind" - On a supply mission, K'rena and Dan make an emergency landing on a planet surrounded by a dangerous energy field. They encounter a society composed of survivors from other shipwrecked vessels, lead by a Krenim engineer. A decade earlier, his scoutship had crashed and in the interim he has used his engineering skills to rule over the others. Being the only one capable of fixing their communications arrays and signalling for help, he has declined to do so, preferring the power of his new position. Remember the old saw: in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. K'rena and Dan, though, have no intention of remaining in his junkyard kingdom.

"A Single Seed" - K'rena and Dan propose a bold plan: intersplicing parts salvaged from the Restoration with the Sikarian trajector (as seen in "The Long Road Home"), they believe they can construct an artificial wormhole generator. A guardedly optimistic Captain McKenna approves and soon the Ulysses is outfitted with a prototype wormhole generator and Annorax's temporal sensors, which allow them to scan the timeline and literally watch the many tangled threads of history. They generating a wormhole and send through a probe, which, though battered by the journey, returns images of Earth. Still unsure of in which year the wormhole's terminus is located, Elisabeth sends Benicio and Dan through to ascertain the date. Their shuttle is damaged by the passage and crashes on Earth. As soon as it crashes, the temporal sensors show massive change to the timeline; Benicio and Dan crashed during the Eugenics Wars, giving both victory and dominion over the earth to Khan Noonian Singh.

"Reign of Khan, Part I" - Khan won the Eugenics Wars. Zefram Cochrane never made first contact with the Vulcans. There is no Federation. The Empire of Khan, ruled by a succession of clones of the great man, reaches across the stars with an iron grip. The Ulysses cannot allow that to happen. The ship travels through the wormhole, emerging in 1996 mere hours behind Benicio and Dan. After a lopsided firefight with several antiquated spaceships, ironically of the human coalition, Captain McKenna and the senior staff beam down while Neelix hides the ship behind the dark side of the Moon. On the planet, they try to locate Benicio, Dan, and the timeline-polluting shuttlecraft. The last image of the season is our heroes, held at gunpoint by a genetic superman, Agrippa Ramirez.

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Part X
Star Trek: Odyssey will, in the end, consist of 176 episodes, the same length as Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Star Trek: Voyager was only 172 episodes long; UPN screwed around with its schedule and cut the first season so that only sixteen episodes aired, though twenty had been produced. The remaining four episodes were integrated into the second season, and the four extra episodes from season two were integrated into season three. To correct this deviation, only twenty-two episodes were produced for season three, totally twenty-six broadcast episodes including the refugees from season two. So, Odyssey's first season will be twenty episodes long, with each subsequent season composed of twenty-six episodes.

This entire endeavor has been about showing how good the Voyager concept could have been; so, as a tip of the hat to the writers, flawed though their work was, I have borrowed and improved many of their episodes. Where I have done this, I will credit the original episode by title. Example: "The Stars My Destination, Parts I and II"... ("Caretaker, Parts I and II"). Some episodes are more loosely borrowed than others; these will be denoted: "Reign of Khan, Parts I and II"... (sorta "Future's End, Parts I and II"). Please see startrek.com for complete writing credits.

Episode Guide
Season One
"The Stars My Destination, Parts I and II" - The two-hour TV movie series premeire. We meet the crew and watch as both Torres's Maquis ship and later the U.S.S. Ulysses are pulled into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker. The crew meets the Talaxian trader-cum-pirate Neelix, the deadly Vidiians, and Kes, Neelix's Ocampa girlfriend. There is an adventure in the Ocampa city, the Caretaker's motives and mission are revealed, and the Starfleet and Maquis crews learn to work together to save the naive Ocampa from the Vidiians. In the end, the Caretaker is dead, the Vidiians want blood, and both crews are now living together aboard the Ulysses as they try to make their way home. ("Caretaker, Parts I and II")

"Chain Reaction" - The Ulysses comes across a recently devastated civilization and through a temporal anomaly paradoxically learn that they caused it. After retroactively preventing the disaster, the crew follow the Prime Directive and do not make contact with the pre-warp society. ("Time and Again")

"The Bright City" - A peaceful city is not what it appears to be when the crew learns non-corporeal beings have forcibly possessed the humanoid population and try to do the same to them.

"Horror Show" - Desperate for supplies, the crew sneak into a Vidiian-occupied colony. They witness the horror the Vidiians have inflicted upon the natives and decide they must step in. Aiding a local resistance cell, they destroy the Vidiian government house and cover the escape of the colonists. Benicio backs Captain McKenna's decision to intercede, despite Sovok's objections; it is one of the first times McKenna and Torres have agreed.

"Ex Post Facto" - Nick is accused of a murder he didn't commit and it is up to Sovok to clear his name and uncover the conspiracy to frame him. ("Ex Post Facto")

"Eye of the Needle" - Using a randomly happened upon wormhole, the crew are able to make contact with a Romulan science ship in the Beta Quadrant. However, because wormholes are breaches in both time and space, the Romulans are twenty years in the Ulysses's past. Nevertheless, a message for Starfleet is given to the Romulan captain, who promises he will deliver it when the time is right. ("Eye of the Needle")

"Lights in the Sky" - The only source of desperately needed supplies is a pre-warp planet, which the Prime Directive forbids the ship from contacting. A compromise is reached when local broadcasts speak of the mysterious sighting of "unidentified flying objects" by many people. The crew disguise the ship to match the local UFOs and head toward the surface. (This is the first time we see the Ulysses's atmospheric flight abilities.) Encountering some locals, the crew pretend to be "visiters" and make off with the supplies they need; of course, later very few people on the planet believes the wild stories of visiters from the stars.

"Life Eternal" - Accidental interference with alien burial rituals leaves Dan stranded in another dimension, where his very presence causes a crisis of faith. He is eventually retrived, but the dimensional shift has left him able to "see" certain frequencies of the subspace spectrum. ("Emanations")

"The Long Road Home" - The crew meet a hedonistic society who posses a transporter with a range of 40,000 light years, halfway back to the Alpha Quadrant. The Sikarian canon of laws does not permit the sale of the technology; so, Sovok, Cole, and K'rena's Starfleet rival, Joe Carey, spearhead an effort to illegally purchase the device from a group of dissidents. The attempt to use the "trajector" fails and the Ulysses is further damaged. The Sikarians explain that the trajector only works within the planet's atmosphere; insulted by the illegal purchase, they insist that the ship leave orbit. McKenna disciplines the conspirators, expressing her particular disappointment in Sovok, whom she considers one of her closest friends. ("Prime Factors")

"Dominion Over All" - The crew are greeted by a group of friendly aliens living in an idyllic city: Vidiians not infected by the phage. Sadly, due to blackmail by the infected Vidiians, it's a trap and the Ulysses only escapes by forcing a Vidiian ship to crash into the city, thus introducing the phage. Elisabeth quotes Poe to Benicio, "And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."

"In Wartime" - A Haakonian ship is rescued from Vidiians and the sole survivor is the man who killed Neelix's entire family, Dr. Ma'Bor Jetrel. The Talaxians had lost a war against the Haakonians fifteen years earlier; they had surrendered after the Haakonians devastated the Talaxian moon of Rinax with a weapon of mass destruction called a metreon cascade, invented by Jetrel. Though hailed by his people as a great conquerer, Jetrel has been crushed by guilt of "murdering" over 300,000 Talaxians; he has been trying for fifteen years to atone for that one day. Neelix reflects upon his service as a fighter pilot in the war, which he admits to Kes his people had started with a sneak attack upon the peaceful Haakonians. Jetrel's attempt to reconstitute those disintegrated by the cascade fails and he confesses he is dying from a slower-acting form of the cascade, which he had acquired by developing the weapon. Neelix remains too bitter to forgive the Haakonian, who insists he does not deserve forgiveness. ("Jetrel")

"Maelstrom" - The Ulysses encounters a Talaxian convoy in dire straits; one by one, the ships are being drawn into a spatial anomaly and smashed to bits. In classic Starfleet style, Captain McKenna decides to rescue them. This causes major tension onboard, as the ship is very nearly destroyed for, many argue, no good reason. This marks a turning point for Neelix, who had previously stuck around just to be with Kes.

"All the Pasha's Treasure" - The crew conduct the survivors of the Talaxian convoy to their destination, the first world of the Sankur-Hobii. (This is the first appearance of the Sankur.) On the way, they are attacked by a rival pashate, the Sankur-Nistrim, and meet its leader, Kazon Pasha. Jabin Pasha of the Hobii is grateful to the crew for rescuing and defending the convoy. Things take a nasty and complicating turn when the Nistrim draw the Hobii fleet away and then launch a raid on Jabin Pasha's treasury. (This is also the first appearance of the Sankur's technician-slaves, the Trabe.)

"The Mutiny, Part I" - Hunter Cole is not happy that Captain McKenna "wastes" her time freeing slaves from evil energy beings, helping "organ donors" escape from the Vidiians, and easing the consciences of dying Haakonian weapons engineers; she should be expending all her effort tracking down the Second Caretaker and then forced her to return the Ulysses to the Alpha Quadrant. More than that, though, he is enraged that his friend and former commander Benicio has sold out to "that Starfleet witch." He is not alone in his frustration with being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Moving boldly, the mutineers seize the ship and assault the bridge, but cannot stop McKenna from using her command codes to lock out the main computer. Still, at the end of season one, Hunter Cole controls the Ulysses.

Season Two
"The Mutiny, Part II" - Sovok escapes from his quarters and leads a campaign of sabotage, while Cole's skeleton crew stuggle to maintain control. However, when Cole captures and executes one of the saboteurs, the mutiny falls apart. Cole murders Joe Carey, his chief aid, but cannot escape before McKenna tracks him down. Faced with a dilemma, McKenna cannot simply put twenty-five people, a fifth of her already undersized crew, off the ship, nor can she lock them in the brig for seventy years. The majority of the mutineers are stripped of rank and confined to their quarters when not on duty for six months; however, Cole and five others are deemed too great a threat to stay. The Ulysses lands near the outskirts of an alien spaceport and leaves them behind. In the spirit of reconciliation, Captain McKenna allows Lt. Carey to be buried with full Starfleet honors.

"Secrets and Lies" - Cesca, Benicio's old flame from back in their Maquis days, is revealed to be working with the Sankur-Nistrim, attempting to give them a transporter. Before she defects, but after Sovok suspects, Benicio tries to defend Cesca, who once aboard a Nistrim ship reveals her true name to be Elar Korat; she is not a Bajoran freedom fighter, but an operative of the Cardassian Obsidian Order assigned to infiltrate the Maquis. Between Sovok working for Starfleet and "Cesca" for the Obsidian Order, Benicio laments to K'rena, "Was anyone on that ship working for me?" "I was, jefe. Always." ("State of Flux")

"Deadlock" - A spatial anomaly (love 'em, don't'cha?) creates out-of-sync duplicates of the Ulysses and the crew. While the two ships are destroying each other, both Docs are delievering a baby in Sickbay. The Dan of one ship and the baby from the other are killed, but one ship, with both aboard, survives when the other sacrifices herself by self-destructing. ("Deadlock")

"Possibilities" - Dan finds himself in a series of disjointed, contradictory timelines: he was never asigned to the Ulysses; he's aboard the Ulysses, but the ship was never abducted by the Caretaker; he's back at the Academy on the day he learned his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend.... Eventually, Dan's altered sight allows him to see bizarre subspace aliens observing each permutation of his life; everything he's seen has been part of the aliens' research. Releasing him with their apologies, Dan finds that he was abducted without ever leaving his quarters. ("Non Sequitur")

"The Good of the Many" - A transporter accident combines Sovok and Neelix, killing them, but simultaneously creating a third, unique being, who takes the name Sovix. For several weeks, Sovix struggles to establish an identity and make a life for himself. When a technique for recovering both Sovok and Neelix is developed, Sovix argues that he has a right to live as a unique sentient being. While McKenna agrees, she orders his death in order to salvage the two others, logically citing the good of the many over the good of the one. ("Tuvix")

"Children of the Phage" - The crew find a group of Vidiian children, too young to have contracted the phage, on a ship adrift in space. A recorded message informs them that the children's parents have given them up in the hope they can be spared the ravages of the deadly disease. Alas, the phage has mutated to lay dormant in young children without revealing its presence (Doc finds it with more than just a little luck). Having no choice but to leave the children on a nearby planet to die, one of only two nurses decides to stay behind and easy the children's suffering.

"The Weapon" - The ship finds an interstellar cruise missile floating dead in space and accidentally reactivate it. The weapon's A.I., reawakened after being damaged by a plasma storm, resumes its mission to destroy the capital city of a nearby planet, thus restarting the war it had been meant to win, a war that had ended decades earlier. Trapped aboard the weapon, K'rena struggles to stop the destruction of an entire city. ("Dreadnought" and "Warhead")

"The Armistice" - The crew encounter a large fleet of free Trabe, who ask them to help negotiate an armistice with the coaltion of Sankur pashates. Seeing an opportunity to help stablize the entire region, McKenna uses her influence with the Hobii, one of the most powerful pashates, to gather many different pashas. Included among them are Kazon Pasha and his chief adviser, a once again-Cardassian Elar Korat. Sadly, it is a trap by the Trabe to assassinate the Sankur pashas and the Ulysses finds herself stripped of her few allies among the Sankur. ("Alliances")

"The Carnival" - The crew come across an entire race of humanoids in suspended animation. The aliens' minds are connected into a central computer core; so, they cannot be safely revived without their cooperation. To find out why they are still in suspended animation long after their computer sez they were supposed to be revived, McKenna, Kes, and Dan are plugged in. They find themselves in a twisted version of a carnival, presided over by the maniacal Clown. The aliens have not left suspended animation because the sadistic Clown won't let them. ("The Thaw")

"Upgrade" - A sentient robot is discovered drifting in space amid the wreckage of an alien warship. Revived by K'rena, the robot sends out a homing signal and is soon picked up by a starship populated by identical robots, the soldiers of the Praelor. The Praelor warbots kidnap K'rena and force her to perform several upgrades, upgrades which will allow them to be free of organic Praelor control and launch a genocidal war of conquest. ("Prototype")

"Occupied Territory" - The Ulysses calls upon Neelix's homeworld of Talax, under the adminstration of the Haakonian military for the past fifteen years, since Rinax was devastated by the metreon cascade. Neelix's relationship with Kes is irrevocably damaged when he becomes involved with Fazik, his former girlfriend and squadron mate during the war. Fazik, now a terrorist against the Haakonian-supported government, tries to recruit Neelix, but eventually he turns her over to the authorities. Denounced as a traitor by Fazik and broken up with Kes, Neelix returns to the ship feeling all alone in the universe. (from "Fair Trade")

"The Raid" - Elar Korat engineers a magnificently executed Nistrim raid on the ship, making off with several crucial transporter components. While Kazon Pasha uses the transporter to convince other pashas to help him seize the entire Ulysses, the crew devise and execute a daring counterraid to sabotage Kazon's flagship and destroy his transporter. ("Maneuvers")

"Monster" - Lon Suder, a Betazoid Maquis with a long history of violent behavior, murders a fellow engineer in cold blood. In an effort to render Suder a more cooperative prisoner, Sovok performs a mindmeld. While Suder does somewhat adopt the Vulcan's calm demeaner, Sovok experiences painful memories of Suder's crimes and several days of severe loss of emotional control. ("Meld")

"The Race" - Having taken a year and a half of beatings (the passage to the Delta Quadrant, the Vidiians, the Sankur, the maelstrom, the Praelor warbots, et al.) with no time in spacedock, the Ulysses is on her last leg. The only way to get the money necessary to pay for the parts and repairs is for the Talax Falcon to win a local space derby. The only way for the Falcon to win is for Nick and Neelix to get over their feud over Kes and work together. In the end, the Ulysses is in better shape than at any other point since leaving the Alpha Quadrant.

"Sleeper" - Before joining Starfleet, Sovok was for fifty years an agent of the V'Shar, the Vulcan security ministry. When it becomes clear someone among the crew is a mole working for Korat and the Nistrim, he has to match wits against Korat's Obsidian Order skills in a race to uncover the sleeper's identity before the Ulysses is delivered into the hands of the Cardassian. ("Investigations")

"Marooned, Part I" - Korat lures the Ulysses into an inescapably devious trap and the Nistrim, joined by ships from several other pashates, overwhelm the ship's defenses. Having fought a not insignificantly sized flotilla of Sankur vessels and with Sankur troops fighting their way to the bridge deck by deck, McKenna orders Neelix and Nick to make a desperate run for help in the Falcon. Kazon Pasha and Korat gain control of the ship and, to Korat's horror, maroon the crew on a primative planet with potentially unfriendly Stone Age natives. The season ends with the crew watching as the Ulysses flies off without them. ("Basics, Part I")

IT'S NARWHAL DAY!

The Oath of Narwhal Day
The narwhal is a noble, pitiable creature,
A magnificent, monstrous visage.
An asymetrical tooth for a horn,
Or sometimes two, or sometimes none,
Half again as long as the beast.

I swear my sympathy for the narwhal.
I will not lie and convince it all is well,
But I will be a friend to the narwhal.
The mocking dolphins and snobby manatees
Will get their well-earned comeuppance,
And the narwhal will frolic all day.

I dream this dream of the narwhal
And celebrate it in all its improbable, oddball glory,
On this the third Narwhal Day.

To celebrate Narwhal Day, one must do three things: a) wear gray, b) recite The Oath of Narwhal Day, and c) listen to "Sympathy for the Narwhal" by DJ Seaghost. Hurray, it's Narwhal Day!

the narwhal (Monodon monoceros) - also narwal or narwhale

Never depend on anyone, they'll only fail you. Everyone you care about will either forget you or betray you. You are alone. We are all alone. Always.

The only way I can avoid screaming in agony is by having my pinky taped securely to my ring finger (left hand). Fun!

I do not know if I have ever before been this dusty in all my life. Suddenly, I miss the rain.

"Illimitable dominion over all." Be afraid, people, be very afraid.

Hurray, I fixed my archives! This really had nothing to do with any skill on my part, but rather Blogger deciding to be cooperative. Still, I'll take it.

The Star Trek Movies, From Best to Worst
1. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
2. Star Trek: First Contact
3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
4. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
5. Star Trek Generations
6. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
7. Star Trek: Nemesis
8. Star Trek: Insurrection
9. Star Trek: The Motion Picture
10. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

I really don't want to go to work in an hour. Once I'm there, I really won't want to work until midnight. Once I get home, I really won't want to go to bed, since the sooner I fall alseep the sooner I have to wake up and go to work. Woe is me.

In the meantime, though, I've got the horrors of the Vidiian phage to keep me diverted: "Horror Show," "Dominion Over All," and "Children of the Phage." Brother, Odyssey is dark. From "The Masque of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe, "And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."

Rassum frassum, stupid Blogger. I didn't finish proofreading "Retroactively Making Star Trek: Voyager Good, Part IX" because I'm in a foul mood; attempting to reread "Parts I-VIII," I discovered that my archives are gone and all efforts to restore them met with failure at the hands of the always infuriating ERROR message. With Blogger, you definitely get what you pay for; I hate the worthless fuckers behind this infernal "service." I wish upon them all a slow, painful death, alone and terrified, beyond hope, beyond prayer.

RETROACTIVELY MAKING STAR TREK: VOYAGER GOOD, Part IX
The Plot Thickens
Season Seven - The U.S.S. Gulliver, a Quasar-class science vessel, was pulled into the Delta Quadrant in 2368 while studying plasma streamers far from the Badlands. Half the crew of eighty-eight were civilian scientists and their families, not Starfleet officers, but Captain Kao Xiaoping kept everyone together and casualties of the passage were minimal; after that, though, their journey went quite poorly. Within weeks of their arrival, depredations by the Vidiians resulted in the death and dissection of half the crew and it was only a chance encounter with a wormhole that saved the survivors; tragically, it was the crew of the Gulliver who made the Vidiians aware of the existence of the Ocampa. In the aftermath of the Vidiian attacks, Lt. Felix Aeschliman, the Chief Engineer, arranged the "accidental" death of Captain Kao and assumed command. Violating the Prime Directive, they made contact with the pre-warp civilization of a nearby planet. Striking a deal with the planetary dictator, they gave him advanced Federation technology in exchange for a safe haven and the resources of an entire world. Soon they had repaired the Gulliver and equiped a small fleet of ships with advanced Starfleet weaponry. By the time our heroes meet up with them, Aeschliman's crew have been preying on the nearby systems for nearly seven years, their Federation ethics long forgotten. The Ulysses, with her full compliment of Federation weapons plus Tehlyri and Hirogen additions, is too rich a prize for "Captain" Aeschliman to pass up. "The High Road" is a war between McKenna's crew and who they could have been had the strength of their convictions failed them. In "War of the Worlds," the crew stop the interplanetary invasion of a pre-warp world without the inhabitants even knowing anything other than germs felled the invaders, all set to an eerily familiar radio broadcast. Also, in a format that is a personal fave, we have a pair of flashback episodes: Elisabeth marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of her Academy graduation by recalling her first Starfleet assignment in "Ex Astris, Scientia." In "Act of Contrition," Benicio tells Elisabeth about the darkest day of his life, the first time he took a life and enjoyed it. Set back in his Maquis days, we see Cole, K'rena, Cesca, and the rest of the Maquis as they greet Sovok, a new recruit, and test the Vulcan's loyalty. Everything Benicio's done aboard the Ulysses has been an attempt to repent for that day.

The two-part "Things to Come" begins with the ship being intercepted by a waiting honor guard of Presari warships. The Presari are the Ocampa carried into deep space by the second Caretaker; possessing the power of pre-cognition, the Presari knew just where and when to meet the Ulysses. However friendly the greetings by Kes's distant cousins, not all is well in the land of the pre-cogs. The Presari have build an empire by being able to predict their enemies' movements and weaknesses. The ruthless Field Marshal Ramakar executes the will of Autarch Aelia, the most powerful pro-cog in the Presari Realm. Yet for all their ability to see the future, no Presari possesses Kes or Liz's formidible telekinetic abilities; their purpose in greeting Captain McKenna and her crew is to capture Nick's wife and daughter and weaponize their mental powers. They possess enough telepathy to obscure Kes's sight until they spring their trap. As Ramakar sez to McKenna upon capturing her vessel, "How, my dear, do you propose to fight an enemy who knows your next move before you do?" Wheels within wheels, it's all terribly exciting (in other words, I haven't yet worked out how our heroes triumph nor at what cost). Far beyond the protective blanket of the Tehlyri, the Ulysses detects a rapidly approaching Borg cube in "The Devil You Know." They are quite relieved when the cube ignores them, but the captain's curiosity is aroused when a second cube is detected heading for the same coordinates as the first. Carefully shadowing the Borg, the crew are shocked to discover the first cube a flaming wreck while the second and a previously undetected third are locked in mortal combat with a plethora of small, organic-looking ships. The Borg are slaughtering the organic vessels, but an uninterrupted stream continue to pour out of some manner of transdimensional portal, slowly overwhelming the cubes by sheer force of numbers. The charred remains of an organic ship are brought aboard, where both K'rena and Doc set to work. The vessel is revealed to be a lifeform, akin to a single cell of a greater, collective organism; each vessel is a cell with no will of its own. More terrifying, the vessels are developing an "immunity" to the Borg weaponry, evolving at a quicker pace than the Borg technology can adapt. The cells, nicknamed the Hydra, are determined to eradicate all impurities in our dimension; impurities being any lifeforms not them. *sigh* Nothing's ever easy, is it? While the Borg and the Hydra pulverize each other, the Ulysses enters the Hydra dimension, a weird realm of fluidic space, and seals the dimensional rift with a just-crazy-enough-to-work plan. Cut off from the whole, the Hydra are little match for the sole remaining Borg cube and the Ulysses slinks away during the mop-up.

"Vengeance, Parts I and II": The final battle between McKenna and Cole. With the Xanadu and the Tholian ship at his command, Cole has located the second Caretaker and its array; he will destroy the Ulysses's long sought-after way home unless Captain McKenna and the crew fall into his obvious trap. Cole! Xor (I finally named the Gorn)! The Tholians! The Caretaker! The Revenge! The Xanadu! The Ulysses! A way home! Brother, this one's been building up since the end of "The Mutiny"! Put on a pot of coffee and bring out the Dan Rather bizarre quasi-witicisms, this one's going to be a barn burner! Hot dog! Then comes "Wing and a Prayer," the series finale. The prototype transwarp engine killed the crew of the Xanadu, but with the second Caretaker's array destroyed, it may just be the crew's only way home. Hunted by the vengeful Presari under a nigh-mad Ramakar and a catatonic Aelia, Kes makes a most unusual suggestion. Nearing her eighth birthday, she has already lived almost a full year longer than any other Ocampa; she can sense her end coming. The crew embark upon a desperate plan to gather the materials necessary to reconfigure the salvaged transwarp drive to be powered by Kes herself. Elisabeth proposes to Benicio, Nick sez goodbye to his wife, Liz sez goodbye to her mom, Cole stews in the cell that was once Agrippa's, the Wildman twins and all the other kids cower in wonder and terror, and a family faces one last danger together. An untested, almost certainly lethal device, designed to carry a starship from one side of the galaxy to the other without dumping it inside a sun, powered by nothing but the concentration (and self-sacrifice) of an immensely-powerful-yet-elfin-in-appearance woman, , while the crew face off against aliens who can see the future: what could possibly go wrong? A fiery death or a triumphant return for our heroes? The end of the Odyssey and a hero's welcome for a crew who have truly explored strange new worlds, sought out new life and new civilizations, and boldly gone where no one has gone before.

More to Come
More aliens, an as close to complete as I can make it "Dramatis Personae," and my personal favorite, the episode guide! Woo hoo!

Today is Less Than Jake Day. This is because Anthem, their first new album since 2000's Borders and Boundaries, was released today.

Seriously, if you don't like Less Than Jake, fuck you. I mean it. You've got nothing to say I want to hear.

Watch Donnie Darko. I cannot recommend this movie highly enough. It's a trip.

I now have seventy-eight episodes of Star Trek: Odyssey plotted/titled. They are developed to greater and lesser degrees, mostly lesser as far as specific plot structure, but I am nevertheless very impressed with myself. Seventy-eight episodes is three entire seasons, and only one episode short of the original Star Trek series. I rule. Of course, with heavy modification both the basic structure of Odyssey and a number of specific episodes are lifted directly from Voyager; my next challenge, once I bore of this project, will be to develop my own entirely original Star Trek series. A sequel to Deep Space Nine? Captain Riker's adventures aboard the Titan? A The Next Generation in the early 25th century?

Fishy appears to have unlearned his trick. Or more likely, it was a fluke in the first place. Blast!

I batted .500 in electronic matters today. My new speaker wires are great; the sound is far more robust and stable than before. However, as soon as I plugged them in my Christmas lights burned out. In the long run, though, the quality speaker wires are a far more significant victory than the lights are a defeat. The packaging called them "monster wires." Beware my stereo, it's in league with monsters.

A pleasant side effect of Donnie Darko, I want to do very naughty things to Maggie Gyllenhaal.

On my drive to St. Francis this morning, I heard Joan Osbourne's "What If God Was One of Us?" I just thought that was a neat coincidence, hearing it on the way to Mass.

On Tuesday, Anthem, the new album by Less Than Jake, is released. Fuckin' kick ass, dude.

A Friday Tradition
The Bald Mountain works both Friday and Saturday nights. Those are the prime nights for summer moviegoing. This would seem to present a problem; however, huge summer movie fans that we are, we have of course devised a solution: Friday afternoons. Not only are the lines shorter, but we get to pay matinee price, too. The last three Fridays, we have seen:

5.2 X2
5.9 A Mighty Wind
5.16 The Matrix Reloaded

There appears to be a gap this Friday, but the week after arrives perhaps the most highly anticipated movie of the summer, Finding Nemo. I love the movies.

In Other News
At today's screening, Q-Girl tried to give my head the old pat/hair russle. A of all) my hair is too short for that garbage. B of all and most importantly) I am no longer trying to get closer to her. Thus, back the hell up, please.

Dylweed has joined Skeeter's chorus against "Retroactively Making Star Trek: Voyager Good." Kids, if you don't like reading it, just don't read it. Or, in a more accurate summation of my reaction, bugger off.