Well, Fuck
I'm torn. On the one hand, most of Thomas P.M. Barnett's book The Pentagon's New Map lines up very closely with my own thinking. On the other hand, this. Dr. Barnett actually believes that if Senator Kerry wins the election, Old Europe will commit troops and resources to Iraq. Sorry for being crude, but is he fucking serious? Throughout The Pentagon's New Map, Dr. Barnett is incredibly optimistic, but this borders on the insane. His underlying assumption seems to be the the trans-Atlantic brouhaha over the invasion of Iraq was a matter of style, not a fundamental differences in worldview. Holy cow.

Dr. Barnett is a life-long Democrat, and this is made very clear in The Pentagon's New Map. You'll notice that I continue to respect and value his opinion, even knowing this. In this specific instance, I can only assume he's been caught up in the fervor of the election, and that in a more rational state of mind, he would recognize the folly of his position.

Also, it's All Saints' Day. Go to Mass, today's a holy day of obligation.

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 2 Days
To paraphrase Futurama, "Election fever - contract it!" Neutral Man is angry; the Mountain of Love feels insulted. Meine Vater has the twenty-four hours flu; so, this morning I was not woken up by the blaring sounds of Meet the Press. Huzzah!

Master Yoda
Padawan Dooku*

Master Dooku
Padawan Qui-Gon Jinn

Master Qui-Gon Jinn
Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi
Padawan Anakin Skywalker**

*later Darth Tyrannus
**later Darth Vader

Irkens
"Invader" Zim
Tak
Almighty Tallest Red
Almighty Tallest Purple
Invader Tenn
Invader Skoodge
Invader Blorch

"Welcome to life, Irken child. Report for duty."
"I love you, cold, unfeeling robot arm."

Moments ago, I briefly saw Skeeter. I loaned her a crappy old AC Spark Plug hat. The world is a weird place.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
If Drew Stanton can get and stay healthy, Michigan State will have a cake walk to next year's Big Ten Championship. Holy Bog, that kid was eating us alive. In the first half, Henne played more like a freshman than he had at any point in conference play, but like he has all year he held it together and came up with some big plays at the end of the game. By the time he is a senior, he's going to be beyond amazing. The same with Hart. Though I have often criticized Braylon Edwards, and rightly, because it was only this year that he really became as good as his press clippings, yesterday he was amazing. The fumble wasn't good, but it was more than outweighed by his play in the closing minutes and overtime. For the first time, I think he deserves to wear No. 1.

And Spartans, take heart. Your defense collapsed in the final minutes, allowing us to score seventeen points and send the game into overtime, but in a year or two you guys are going to be scary. Stanton is going to be a frightening force next season, and though both are good, niether Avant nor Breaston is as tall as Edwards. Next season's Micnigan-Michigan State game will be a clash of titans between top 25 teams.

Go Honolulu Blue!
Last week, the Lions played nearly flawlessly in defeating the New York (football) Giants. This week, we made too many mistakes in losing to the Dallas Cowboys. Tomorrow, I will of course be adorned in my Lions T-shirt. Next week, we're going to kick rookie Roethlisberger's arse.

H-A-N
Have a monochromatic night.

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 3 Days
To my mind, the most interesting part of Osama bin Laden's most recent message is the implied offer of a truce. If the United States simply withdraws from "the Muslim world" (he makes it unclear if he still considers Spain - Moorish territory for 700 years - to still be part of this package) and stops supporting Israel, al Qaeda will leave us in peace. In this, bin Laden's objective is two-fold: 1) He is attempting to undermine Western resolve and appeal to the peace movement. By casting himself as a reasonable resistance leader seeking an end to American imperialism, not a genocidal fanatic bent on regional hegemony, he hopes to draw indirect support from pacifists and anachronistic anti-colonialists all over the Western world. 2) Three years of the War on Terror have significantly weakened his network's ability mount large-scale operations. He has toned down his rhetoric in an attempt to buy al Qaeda time in which to regroup and rebuild their strength.

Specific to the election, will this message help President Bush or Senator Kerry? It helps President Bush because it reminds Americans that bin Laden is still out there and threatening the safety of the United States. Consistently, polls show that President Bush is regarded as better able to lead the War on Terror. It helps Senator Kerry because it reminds Americans that three years after 9/11, and after two invasions, bin Laden still hasn't been caught. This fits with Kerry's argument that President Bush took his "eyes off the prize" in invading Iraq.

Obviously, I back the first interpretation; President Bush is the far better choice to continue rolling back international Islamist terrorism. Whether or not then-Lieutenant Kerry was in Paris on his honeymoon, he still met with representatives of North Vietnam and spoke in favor of their demands upon his return to the United States. In his freshman term in the Senate, Kerry met with Daniel Ortega, leader of the Leftist Sandinistas in Nicaragua; days later, Ortega was in Moscow shaking hands with the Soviet leadership. During the Cold War, Kerry was willing to meet with Communist leaders, which gives me little confidence that a theoretical President Kerry would be unwilling to meet with al Qaeda representatives, should they seek to negotiate a truce.

H-A-N
Have a cherry night.

Okay, nobody wants to buy Within a Mile of Home. Fair enough. Does anyone want it as a Christmas gift? It's unopened and still in the plastic wrapping. Never Girl? Neutral Man? The Watergirl? I know you guys like Flogging Molly's music. rebelblackdot@gmail.com

My friends, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm impossible, and your continued forgiveness is most gratefully appreciated.

Beantown
I love Tom Brady. Before I cursed Drew Henson for leaving school early to take the Yankees' money, I cursed him for taking playing time away from Tom Brady. Tom Brady is everything you want in a quarterback, and I said at the time that it was insane that he wasn't drafted until the sixth round. That said, the Patriots cannot win the Super Bowl this year! I mean, they are obviously capable, but I sincerely hope they do not. The good people of Boston are going to be insufferable for the next year now that the Red Socks have won the World Series. (Bog below, I hate baseball!) If the Patriots also win, we'll never hear the end of it. Mr. Brady, I mean no offense, but I hope this isn't your year. Down with New England!

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 4 days
80,000 people turned out to see Senator Kerry and Bruce Springsteen in Madison, Wisconsin. Wow. A huge crowd for the Democratic candidate in a college town. Shocking. That's almost as surprising as Vice President Cheney talking out of the side of his mouth. I agree with the Mountain of Love, Ann Arbor would be a really fun place to be next Wednesday, the day after President Bush is reelected. The pinkos will be going crazy! Beside themselves with anger! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Also, the Guy has a ridiculous plan to wake up at the crack of dawn, have breakfast at 6:30, and then go vote. Ugh, why did I agree to this? It's kind of neat, though, I've never taken a nap in a voting booth before.

H-A-N
Have a plundering night.
... sez the man with the skull-and-crossbones tattooted on his arm.

Dude! Thanks to the Mountain of Love for giving me the heads up.

I hold in my grubby little hands Invader ZIM Volume 3: Horrible Holiday Cheer! The good news: I now own all the ZIM! The bad news: that's all the ZIM there is. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Must... cherish... ZIM! Filthy humans, I now own "Tak: The Hideous New Girl"! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 5 Days
This afternoon, NPR had a special Talk of the Nation about the black vote. One of the guests was of the opinion that President Bush is directly responsible for the bronze medal the men's basketball team earned at the Athens Olympics. The theory goes our team felt so bad about just being Americans that they played like crap. The other teams despised them for representing America. These two factors came together in a perfect storm to deny us our rightful gold. Had, say, Al Gore been president, our ballers would have held their heads high and gone forth to glorious victory, with the whole world cheering us on, grateful for the privilege of losing to the beloved Americans. We are suffering, the theory goes, a Carteresque national malaise, and that's why our basketball team is only third best in the world.

I'm genuinely impressed; that is the single most asinine thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Good work.

H-A-N
Have a morphing night.

*** REAL CAN OF YAMS *** LIVE ON STAGE *** DECEMBER 30, 2004 ***
Be there, or kill yourself. If you miss this, life won't be worth living.

Nobel Peace Prize winner and active terrorist Yassir Arafat is reportedly in ill health. When you combine this with Castro's recent fall, this are looking up for human freedom. It will be a bright day for Mankind when those two monsters are dead.

On a related note, way to go, Sweden. What a great idea it was to give Arafat the Peace prize. Who's next, Kim Jong Il?

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 6 Days
Funny, isn't it, how for weeks and weeks and weeks it was mentioned nearly every day in the American media that fighting was continuing in Sadr City, yet now that the fighting has ceased and the blasphemously named Mahdi Army has been disarmed, one hears nary a word about it? Hooray for non-partisan journalistic integrity!

I also like the fact that Democratic "election monitoring" attorneys have been found to be gathering large crowds to intimidate voters participating in Florida's early voting program (from this afternoon's All Things Considered). Hooray for the democratic process.

H-A-N
Have a peeping night.

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 7 Days
Today, just a little bit of humor.

Reds
It's really too bad that Fidel Castro wasn't more seriously hurt in his recent tumble. On a related not, I do not understand why people have such a friendly impression of Western Hemisphere Communism. From a freshman Senator Kerry meeting with Daniel Ortega and the Sandinistas to the damnably ubiquitous images of Che Guevara, do people not understand that these people are Communists? If given the chance, they would take away your right to vote and shoot all small business owners for "oppressing" their employees. There has never been a democratic Communist state; there has never been a Communist state that was not a dictatorship. Communists were evil, are evil, and will always been evil. Castro, Guevara, and Kerry's buddy Ortega, all evil.

H-A-N
Have a leprous night.

My Christmas list is compiled and distributed, and the exchange of letters with the girl from Friendster continues. Until 5pm, Monday was a profoundly crummy day. Since then, my mood has steadily improved, due largely to watching The Return of the Pink Panther (fucking hilarious) with Meine Vater and AIM conversations with Skeeter, the Sardine, and K. Steeze.

For now... "God for Harry! England and St. George!"

Today is the 150th anniversary of the Charge of the Light Brigade. Here's another hyperlink. Why does the Charge of the Light Brigade still matter? Because it was referenced on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, damn it.

The League of Nations
I can't believe I missed it, but yesterday was United Nations Day. Wow, fifty-nine years of spineless squabbling and defiant inaction in the face of genocide. Congratulations, UN, for consistently failing to live up to the ideals on which you were founded. It should of course be noted that while 70,000 have starved or been slaughtered in Darfur, Sudan continues to hold a seat on the UN Human Rights Commission. Kofi Annan's moral authrority indeed.

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 8 Days
The latest polls suggest that President Bush is holding a small lead over Senator Kerry. Sometimes this lead is within the margin or error, sometimes it is only one of two percentage points above the margin or error. This is a very, very tight race. And of course, it is entirely possible that the pollsters have no idea how to accurately gauge the sentiment of the large number of newly registered voters. I, however, remain confident for two reasons: 1) I have always said that in a tight race, we (the evil GOP) will prevail. I will not lose faith in that assessment now. 2) In my estimation the Democrats and their surrogates have become increasingly shrill, which I take as a sign of desperation and weakness.

Fun is fun, but even I will be glad when Election Day is behind us.

H-A-N
Have a tuned-in night.

Last night, I drove through the rain and dark to Ann Arbor and spent the evening in the company of the Mountain of Love. We ate slices at N.Y.P.D. and then saw I Heart Huckabees at a very crowded State Theater. Oh dear Bog. If you respect my judgment, if you value my opinion at all, do not see this movie. It was beyond dreadful. I have often expressed my loathing of Austin Powers in Goldmember by saying that I laughed a grand total of four times; I did not laugh once during the two hours of Huckabees, a self-proclaimed "existential comedy." Horrible is not a sufficient word.

The Mountain and I also talked about the break-up with the Conchshell, now more than a month in the past. Because of my opinion of the relationship while it existed, it is a touchy subject, and thus the delay.

The Queue
Stephen F. Hayes, The Connection
Thomas Harris, Red Dragon
Thomas Harris, The Silence of the Lambs
Tobias Wolff, Old School
Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Nick Hornby, Fever Pitch
Tobias Wolff, This Boy's Life
Michael Ledeen, Freedom Betrayed
or
Harrison Salisbury, The 900 Days

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 9 Days
A point: I detest Oliver North because he lied to Congress during the Iran-Contra hearings. A very young John Kerry lied to Congress during Senator Fulbright's 1971 anti-Vietnam War hearings. So, would I not be a hypocrite for detesting Oliver North, but not detesting John Kerry? At the same time, if you do not detest John Kerry, must you also not detest Oliver North? Ha ha, John Kerry supporters like Oliver North!

Just because I mock and deride Congress doesn't mean it's okay to lie to Congress. That goes for both Lieutenant Colonel North and Senator Kerry.

H-A-N
Have an elementary night.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
The only Big Ten team I hate more than Wisconsin is Michigan State. I hate Wisconsin! Should Michigan prevail over Purdue in the contest ahead (to begin in just a few minutes), the two best teams in the Big Ten will clearly be Michigan and Wisconsin. I cannot believe that Michigan and Wisconsin do not play this year. How can you have a Big Ten Championship when the two best teams don't face each other? The Big Ten has to go to a ten-game round robin conference schedule, so that every team in the conference plays every other team in the conference. It's the only way to have a true champion.

Of course, if Michigan falls to Purdue, Wisconsin will clearly have all the bragging rights in the world. Let's go Blue! Let's defeat those choking Boilermakers. I'd feel better if the game wasn't at Ross-Aide Stadium a.k.a. "The Black Hole of Calcutta."

The Bard and I
Far and away, the single greatest thing about Netflix is the ability watch a large number of films made from William Shakespeare's plays. Reinterpretations like 10 Thigns I Hate About You and O have their place (respectively, The Taming of the Shrew and Othello), but nothing beats the original language. Yes, I could spend a good deal more time reading Shakespeare's works - I have a copy of Complete Works in my room - but these are plays, not novels, and they need to be seen staged. And since I doubt Kenneth Branagh or Brian Blessed are going to be coming to my local imitation of the Globe, cinema's where it's at. Understandably, I am skipping Romeo and Juliet, as I've already seen several versions several times. I have seen Mel Gibson's Hamlet and have little desire to see Ethan Hawke's production; I want to see Kenneth Branagh's bloated version, but apparently it is not available on DVD. Curses!

Returned to Netflix:
Titus (from Titus Andronicus*)
Richard III*
Much Ado About Nothing
Henry V
Othello

Need From Netflix:
A Midsummer Night's Dream*
MacBeth*
The Merchant of Venice*
Julius Caesar
King Lear*

*Denotes plays I have beforehand neither seen nor read.

It seems there are no film versions of Twelfth Night. Blast! My only experience with Twelfth Night is second hand from Shakespeare in Love.

By and by, thank you so much for the free month of Netflix, Daddy Dylweed.

Wilson Field
Two cool things about our newly expanded driveway, Wilson Field: last weekend, my parents hosted the monthly pinochle tournament they share with three other couples. To prepare, Meine Vater parked four of our cars - the Woody, the Purple Haze, the Impala, and the Lumina - on the extreme left. This left a space equivalent to our entire old driveway to the right. When the Guy dropped me off later that evening, three guest vehicles were casualy parked, and if one took care, another three cars could have been added to those. With a little forethought and miminal skill, you could park eleven automobiles on Wilson Field. Awesome.

The other thing is that the driveway is so big you can pull into it, turn around, and then pull into the street head first. No more backing into the street for me. You know what that is? Luxury, baby, pure luxury.

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 11 Days
Today, I was thinking about President Clinton hitting the campaign trail for Senator Kerry, and I can't help but recall yesterday's hilarious images of Fidel Castro falling flat on his face. Too bad old Fidel only broke a few bones, and too bad old Slick Willy is back on his feet so soon.

With the debates over, there isn't really much news. President Bush calls Mr. Kerry a liberal and weak on defense, Senator Kerry sez Mr. Bush has made one misjudgment after another. Mrs. Kerry continues to speak like a crazy woman, Senator Edwards continues to sound like a lightweight, and Vice President Cheney is surely plotting some unspeakable evil from a secure and undisclosed location. A week and a half until this madness is over, if we're lucky.

The Mind of Thomas Harris
Four novels in twenty-nine years: Black Sunday, Red Dragon, The Silence of the Lambs, and Hannibal.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter
nickname: Hannibal the Cannibal

Francis Dolarhyde
nickname: the Tooth Fairy
later: the Red Dragon

Jame Gumb
nickname: Buffalo Bill
later: Mr. Hide

H-A-N
Have a mint night.

Pure Americana
National Football League

National Football Conference
NFC North
Detroit Lions
Chicago Bears
Green Bay Packers
Minnesota Vikings

NFC East
New York Giants
Philadelphia Eagles
Washington Redskins
Dallas Cowboys

NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New Orleans Saints
Atlanta Falcons
Carolina Panthers

NFC West
San Francisco 49ers
Arizona Cardinals
St. Louis Rams
Seattle Seahawks

American Football Conference
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
Cleveland Browns
Cincinnati Bengals
Baltimore Ravens

AFC East
Buffalo Bills
New England Patriots
Miami Dolphins (it's going to come down to the push, and we're both going to suffer)
New York Jets

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts
Tennessee Titans
Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars

AFC West
San Diego Chargers
Oakland Raiders
Kansas City Chiefs
Denver Broncos

In a minute, I'm going to sit down and watch the first twenty chapters of Star Wars: Clone Wars. My head is going to explode with anticipation long before Episode III - Revenge of the Sith hits theaters in May. Here's hoping I can last as long as the third season of Clone Wars in March....

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 12 Days
Okay, clearly this is just a sideshow, but what the fuck? I mean, even if the First Lady had never had a job outside the home, what difference would that make? Is Mrs. Kerry's position that housewives are social parasites? What could she possibly have been thinking? Senator Kerry tries to insult the Vice President through his daughter, Mrs. Kerry feels it necessary to mock Mrs. Bush... honestly, what kind of people are they? Attacking a man's family? That's low.

Hello, Kitty
Of late, Sam's been more vocal and ambulatory. I suppose those are good signs; hurray! He's still incredibly needy, demanding that you pay attention to him whenever you sit down, but he's venturing upstairs more frequently and having less difficulty with the stairs. He's still on his last leg, but slightly less on his last leg than he was before Labor Day. Woot!

For the life of me, I don't know to where my dictionary has disappeared. Whatever shall I do?

Pissnits... I've forgotten what I was going to say....

H-A-N
Have a mischief night.

Suicide Watch
It seems like every other other motherfucker's blog displays Socrates's most famous quote: "An unexamined life is one not worth living." I say, fuck Socrates. The city fathers of Athens came to Socrates and told him to commit suicide. What did he do? He committed suicide. Socrates, the great and noble thinker who questioned everything; but when the chips were down, he clicked his heels like a good little lackey and did as he was instructed. Chump. According to Socrates, we should all go gently into that good night.

Remember, kiddies, out of courtesy please have your Christmas lists ready by October 25. That way, your loved ones have two full months in which to shop for you. Christmas! Woot!

Vote For Kodos - Countdown: 13 Days
Just a minor reality check: the United States will be fine no matter which candidate wins. It has become a cliche that "this is the most important election of your lifetime"; I believe the War on Terror is the essential challenge of this next administration, and the next, and the next after that. But was not the election of 1980 important? Four more years of President Jimmy's rudderless humanism and it's endless malaise, or then Governor Reagan's radical anti-socialism? In a second term, President Bush will continue to believe that the best defense is a good offense; in elected, Senator Kerry will retreat to the blissful delusion of our 1990s foreign policy. Terrorists will continue to kill Americans either way, though one approach will prevent far more deaths than the other. No matter who prevails on November 2 (or later, if the Democrats' wet dreams of a flawed election are realized), America will still be a rich and prosperous country. America children will continue to grow up strong and healthy, and those same AYSO-raised children will continue to not care about the World Cup. We'll still be the only country that appreciated football. Big Pharma will continue to produce the majority of the world's life-saving drugs. The Congress will still be filled with self-interested idiots. It's important for you to vote, but it's always been important for you to vote.

Also, if you are of legal voting age, but choose not to exercise that right, I would perfer that you not sully this blog by reading it. Voluntary non-voters are scum.

H-A-N
Have a poker night.
Nothing is more discouraging than the current poker fad. It's completely ruined the game for me. I hate turning on ESPN and seeing the World Series of Poker. I used to love watching the movie Rounders and then playing a few rounds, but now the thought of playing poker disgusts me.

The Buddy Christ
Sunday night, the Mountain and I watched Saved! On Monday, both as an experiment and seeking refuge from NPR pledge week, I listened to my local Christian rock radio station. Holy balls! O my brothers, I believe that if I escape the fires of Hell that I so richly deserve, it will only be by the Grace of God Almighty. But that said, I just don't get these people. During my brief tenure with the Cult (way back in 1999), they often spoke of accepting Jesus as "your personal lord and savior." Personal? Are you people insane? Jesus is God. One God in three persons, which means Jesus is just as much God as God or the Holy Ghost. Not just a god, like Zeus or Odin or Bog, but God. God God. Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ, who suffered died, and was buried; who rose again on the third day; who ascended bodily into Heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father, is God. God as in "'Let there be light!' and there was light." The God who called the entire universe into existence with a word. That's who Jesus is. How in the high holy hell can I have a personal relationship with Him? That kind of power scares me, but I trust God. So I feel no fear before Him, but I still have tremendous respect for Him. No, not respect, but awe. Awe breeds distance. Awe puts a little kink in the Evangelical idea of a personal relationship with the Almighty. I'm Catholic, I do not refer to Jesus as if He were a friend of mine, I do not think of Him as a friend of mine, and I do not understand those you do.

Also, Christian top forty sucks just as badly as heathen top forty.

Vote For Kodos
An update to the informal, unscientific survey of front yard political signs in my neighborhood:
Bush-Cheney: 10
Kerry-Edwards: 6

Best license plate of the day: MOONBOY

Go Honolulu Blue!
In line with my plan to show solidarity with my boys, last weekend the Lions defeated the Falcons, but this weekend we lost to the Packers. (They get all the credit, I share the blame.) We didn't play very well, but more importantly, as long as Brett Favre can stand on two feet he'll be a threat. 3-2 is still a wicked cool record and well on track to finish at or above .500.

And yes, I wore my Lions T-shirt (which is old enough to still say NFC Central) today. At present, the Lions' division is called the NFC North.

H-A-N
Have an alienated night.

Flirting on Friendster
Last weekend, out of the blue, a random girl sent me a message through the seemingly useless Friendster thingamajig. "So, Mike..... You seem interesting..... Hi!" Since then, we have been trading playful messages and have exchanged AIM screennames, though we have yet to run into each other there. I like her moxie and her style, but her spelling is atrocious. Mighty Jove, it's killing me a little bit at a time.

It's Still Saturday Night Until You Go To Bed
This evening, I found myself in a situation so unlike me that had you predicted it with any accuracy, you would surely surpass Nostremadus as history's greatest prognosticator: I was watching a televised baseball game with two dogs peacefully sleeping on my lap. As I watched the Yankees beat the snot out of the Red Sox at the Guy's house, Tyson and Patrick - the Pug Uglies - curled up on my legs and stomach and snorted peacfully in their sleep. Those filthy monsters really are more porcine than they are canine.

I love the movies, but I did not see a single film at the theater during the month of September. In the last two days, I have seen two new movies, Friday Night Lights on Friday and Team America: World Police tonight. Both were fantastic, for completely different reasons and in completely different ways.

Wither?
Tonight, the second episode of Star Trek: Enterprise's fourth season aired, "Storm Front, Part II." Well, the NX-01 is back in the twenty-second century, and the Temporal Cold War seems to have come to an abrupt, undignified, and highly unsatisfactory ending. Regardless of whether it was a good idea, the Temporal Cold War has been an integral part of Enterprise since the series pilot, "Broken Bow," when the show was called just Enterprise (Star Trek was added to the title at the beginning of the third season). To end it as they did... I'm not trying to be unnecessarily nasty, but it honestly seems like the Star Trek: Voyager way of doing business.

And that's the sad part. To this point in time the Trek to which Enterprise bears the closest resemblance is the deservedly maligned Voyager; "Storm Front, Parts I and II" had more of Voyager's "Future's End, Parts I and II" in it than Deep Space Nine's "Past Tense, Parts I and II." My hope is that now that the third season-long Xindi story line has been wrapped up, Enterprise can get back to the business of founding the Federation. I liked the show before the radically different Xindi arc and I liked the broad strokes of the Xindi arc (if not some specific points). I hope to like the fourth season, but "Storm Front" was a dreadfully inauspicious beginning.

I choose to blame the whole "Storm Front" mess on Brannon Braga and his crappy "gotcha" gimick at the end of the third season. It was a pathetic idea to begin with and no one could have written a good way out of it. Wanker.

Major Temporal Cold War Episodes
"Broken Bow, Parts I and II"
"Cold Front"
"Shockwave, Part I"
"Shockwave, Part II"
"Future Tense"
"Storm Front, Part I"
"Storm Front, Part II"

Hmmm, I imagined my own version of Voyager, the awesome Star Trek: Odyssey (star of 2003's recurring feature "Retroactively Making Star Trek: Voyager Good"), perhaps I should create my own ne and improved version of Enterprise? "Retroactively Making Star Trek: Enterprise Better" coming soon to the Secret Base near you?

Everyone is complaining about the weather today. Is has been cold and rainy all day. Why are you idiots complaining? You live in Michigan and it's October. If you don't want to endure days like today, fucking move. Whiners.

In the words of Futurama's Hedonismbot, "I apologize for nothing."

It's pledge drive week on Michigan Radio, and presumably across the NPR network. Will I be giving? No. I have given money in the past (and have the Car Talk T-shirt to prove it), but it just wouldn't be right to financially support NPR as long as Day to Day is on the air. Day to Day is a Los Angeles-based co-production of NPR and the online magazine Slate. My objection is that NPR claims to be an objective, non-partisan new organization, yet they co-produce this show with Slate; Slate is so far to the left that it makes Salon.com look like the epicenter of the vast right-wing conspiracy. And yet Day to Day is presented as if it were a straight new program, not the hour-long editorial it actually is. I cannot imagine NPR co-producing a show with, say, The Weekly Standard, and then with a straight face calling it a non-partisan news program.

On the other hand, from a certain point of view Day to Day could be viewed as simply being more honest about its bias than the rest of NPR.

The League of Nations
I sincerely doubt that when the United Nations was founded, it's primary intended purpose was counting the dead. Hyperlink. One would hope the UN would act to prevent deaths, but given all the brides taken from Saddam Hussein during the course of the oil-for-food program, I suppose we should be grateful the UN is standing back and doing nothing in Sudan, rather than actively aiding the regime.

H-A-N
Have a surprising night.

Since there's a Captain America and a Captain Britain, is it really too much to ask for there also to be a Sargentina?

Read this. It is brilliant, especially the first part. (Incidentally, Captain Malice, when are you going to submit something to The Newsletter?)

There is turmoil at The Newsletter. (Nice segue, don't you think?) The Plate has quite suddenly and quite unexpectedly tendered his resignation. But fear not, loyal readers, for I shall endure. Of paramount importance, The Newsletter shall endure! Remember Alfred Bester's The Stars My Destination, "He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead." While others are faithless, I remain The Last Angry Man. When all else fails, spite will make me persist.

I think that's enough melodrama for one night.

Apparently, The Plate resigned because... no, that can wait until things have played out a little bit, I think.

So, I was reading the Secret Base's archives from May 2002. Sweet fancy Moses, all I did was whine and bellyache about Never Girl! Bog below, why didn't anyone tell me I was so relentlessly tedious? It's amazing how much things have changed in just two and not quite a half years; I cannot vouch for anyone else, but I feel this blog is a much better read today than it was then. (WARNING: I make no apology for anything said in those earlier days and if you choose to investigate further, you do so at your own peril. Don't come whining to me later.) On the other hand, I was more emotionally wroght back then; in many ways, today I just seem numb. At the time, I was intensely in love with Never Girl. She was on the verge of moving to California for grad school, and I devastated. We'd reached a point where she knew I was in love with her, I knew she was not in love with me, and we were able to function as close friends. The idea of not seeing her regularly was most distressing, as much because of our friendship as because of the other thing. We've seen each other since, of course, and still trade frequent emails, but to this day I miss physically seeing her. I still love her as a dear friend, but as the cliche states I am no longer in love with her. But I miss my friend, and I sympathize with my younger self. Butr that doesn't mean he wasn't a whiny little twat. Blog something interesting, you toad! Nobnody wants to hear your witless treatises on unrequitted love. Man up.

Still, I miss his passion. Yes, he thought no one was reading, but still, he was far less censored than I am today. Discretion is the better part of valor? Load of dingo's kidneys, if you ask me.

Speaking of Australia (another wicked segue!), apparently The L.A.W. and her current boytoy are vacationing there in November. That's awesome. Of course, from a purely political point of view my sister is more New Zealand than she is Australia, but in good conscience I cannot endorse anyone travelling to New Zealand. The L.A.W. will, after this trip, have been to five of the six inhabited continents: North America, South America, Africa, Europe, and now Australia. Of course, her only trip to South America (Brazil, where my paternal grandparents lived at the time) was as a baby; so, that might not fully count. I have never left North America, but I have only myself to blame for this sorry state of affairs. Well, me and Colin Powell.

And yes, I still now and will always think it's freaky that my sister's initials are L.A.W. She is, of course, a lawyer.

H-A-N
Have a tasty night.
Mike is... Super Tasty

Vote For Kodos
The Bush-Cheney 2004 sign that was in our yard is gone. Sometime between when I left for the Palace at 5:20 and my return at 11:15, it was stolen. I see two possibilities: politically motivated theft or vandalism. I pray it is vandalism, because Lord knows that in my time, I stole my fair share of political signs (and dumped them all on Mr. Edwards's yard), and kids will be kids from now 'til Kingdom Come. Vandalism is annoying, but nothing more. If some Kerry or Nader supporter stole it to silence our right to political speech, well, that is something entirely different. I hate the overuse of "slippery slope," but I do not think it is as long a road as we would hope from stealing a sign from somebody's lawn, to tearing a sign out of their hands, to taking a swing at them when they voice an opinion different than your own. It is one thing to ignore each other, but quite another to actively attempt to silence each other.

By the way, when I cited six Bush-Cheney signs in my neighborhood to two Kerry-Edwards signs, I was not counting our sign. To be accurate then, before it was stolen, the count was seven to two.

H-A-N
Take the night off.

So Much For That Idea
At 9:30, I watched Scrubs; thank Bog for Zach Braff. Anywho, afterwards I intended to watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but I made the mistake of stopping off in the kitchen to grab some graham crackers. Meine Vater stopped me to convince me to write a letter to the editor of the Flint Journal. I don't read the Journal's editorial page, why would I make a submission to it? He went on and on and on about how misguided those on the Left are, until forty minutes later we were talking about Presidents Ford and Carter. And I was so looking forward to SVU.

H-A-N
Have a spelunking night.

The League of Nations
The genocide in Darfur continues. Gee, I'm glad President Bush decided to work through the UN, aren't you? I mean, if the hegemonic US monster had gone ahead and acted unilaterally, we might have saved tens of thousands of lives. Bog forbid. Here's to you, Kofi Annan, for being man enough to stand by and do nothing.

Also, Sudan continues to sit on the UN's Human Rights Commission.

Things About Me
The latest issue of The Newsletter, after a relatively major production crisis, went out in today's mail. Woot! That means the next issue is The (unofficial) Election Issue! Boy oh boy! So, if anyone is going to write in supporting Senator Kerry, please have your submission to me by the close of play on Friday, October 15: sonofthenewsletter@yahoo.com.

The new reviews feature, "Less Artsy, More Fartsy," is going really well. We're already run two "Hollywoodland" movie reviews and a "Book Report" book review, with another movie review and book review in the archives for use as needed. Again, woot! Even with the demise of "Best Damn D.P. in Hollywood" and the Professor not having the time to contribute "Ask the Professor," I'm feeling very good about how things are going. The staff columnists are all doing new and interesting things; guest submissions are, on a relative basis, flooding in; I am deeply honored that we continue to receive "Pledge Drive" donations from our readers; and there hasn't been a bomb threat in months. Everything's comint up Newsletter!

A new The Newsletter Online is in the works. Third times' the charm, right?

It's amazing how many people are under the mistaken impression that their opinion matters. Just today, someone told me it is unfortunate I have placed spite at the center of my moral code. I was about to probe the reasoning behind this preposterous observation when I suddenly recalled that I had never solicited his opinion in the first place. If I deemed his opinons worth my consideration, surely I would have sought his opinion, no? But I did not. Instead, he decided to foist it upon me, as if it was a soiled old couch and I was the curb. I tell you, I am beset upon all sides by monumental stupidity.

Once again, Kipling sheds valuable light on the situation, from "If":
"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;"

Curse my parents for raising me to believe in civil society, for even if I had a brick handy I would think better of smashing a man's face with it.

These days, I often think of Kipling's poem "The White Man's Burden." Too many people cannot get past the title and denounce the whole work as racist; I allow that Kipling was not for nothing called the "Poet of the Empire" and today his attitudes seem... old-fashioned at best. But if you look beyond those trappings, realy look at the heart of it, it's not about empire or Anglo-Saxon superiority, it's about civilization and the burden of civilization. What is the obligation of civilization? To sit back in idle comforts, or to bring those comforts to the benighted and the poor? To treat all moralities as equal, or to topple petty kings so that all men might be free? If you look at the heart of it, it is about our world as much as it is about Kipling's.

"The White Man's Burden"
by Rudyard Kipling

Take up the White Man's burden--
Send forth the best ye breed--
Go bind your sons to exile
To serve your captives' need;
To wait in heavy harness
On fluttered folk and wild--
Your new-caught, sullen peoples,
Half-devil and half-child.

Take up the White Man's burden--
In patience to abide,
To veil the threat of terror
And check the show of pride;
By open speech and simple,
An hundred times made plain.
To seek another's profit,
And work another's gain.

Take up the White Man's burden--
The savage wars of peace--
Fill full the mouth of Famine
And bid the sickness cease;
And when your goal is nearest
The end for others sought,
Watch Sloth and heathen Folly
Bring all your hope to nought.

Take up the White Man's burden--
No tawdry rule of kings,
But toil of serf and sweeper--
The tale of common things.
The ports ye shall not enter,
The roads ye shall not tread,
Go make them with your living,
And mark them with yout dead.

Take up the White Man's burden--
And reap his old reward:
The blame of those ye better,
The hate of those ye guard--
The cry of hosts ye humour
(Ah, slowly!) toward the light:--
"Why brought ye us from bondage,
Our loved Egyptian night?"

Take up the White Man's burden--
Ye dare not stoop to less--
Nor call too loud on Freedom
To cloak your weariness;
By all ye cry or whisper,
By all ye leave or do,
The silent, sullen peoples
Shall weigh your Gods and you.

Take up the White Man's burden--
Have done with childish days--
The lightly proffered laurel,
The easy, ungrudged praise.
Comes now, to search your manhod
Through all the thankless years,
Cold-edged with dear-bought wisdom,
The judgment of your peers!

Happy Columbus Day (observed)!

Vote For Kodos
An informal, unscientific survey of the front yard political signs in my neighborhood reveals six for Bush-Cheney and two for Kerry-Edwards.

Also, bumper stickers are one thing, but today I saw an election license plate: 4GWBUSH. If Kerry wins, it's going to be really interesting times at the Secretary of State (Michigan doesn't have a DMV).

Hello, Kitty
Sam must be feeling better, because it's all I can do to keep him off the keyboard. I lift him up, put him on the ground, and before I know it he's jumped back up onto the desk and has returned to the keyboard.

Go Honolulu Blue!
Okay, it's only the third quarter, but the Lions were leading the Falcons at halftime! The Lions were leading the Falcons at halftime! And they're still ahead! Interception... forced Vick to fumble... I'd say the two weeks since the Philadelphia game were well spent.

The Pink Panther
A Shot in the Dark
The Return of the Pink Panther
The Pink Panther Strikes Again
Revenge of the Pink Panther

"With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!"

Oceania
I love Australia! Hyperlink! During the actual invasion of Iraq in March 2003, there were only three allied armies on the ground, those of the United States, Great Britain, and Australia. I love Australia as much as I hate New Zealand.

Go Blue!
Henne's interceptions were bad, but he recovered well and carried the team. Fie on you, Glen Mason!

H-A-N
Have a rotten night. A fitting description of Thursday night.

Vote For Kodos - Mano a Mano Round 2
My favorite part of the presidential race is the Democratic accusation of a secret draft plan for the theoretical second Bush term, at the same time that Senator Kerry promises to expand the United States Army by two full divisions. So, President Bush will keep the Army at the same size, but will need a draft to fill the ranks. Senator Kerry will expand the Army, yet somehow will fill these extra berths through volunteerism. Um... what?

Now, that said, it is not necessarily a bad idea to try to expand the Army. I love the Air Force, but the War on Terror requires lots and lots of boots on the ground. Expanding the Army and the Marines, and minorly trimming the Navy and the Air Force, is probably a good idea.

The End of Flogging Molly
I think last night's debacle can best be explained through the "B.A.P.F.Lives" review I've written for The Newsletter. I started composing it last night during the show, and I think it sez everything important about the evening's unfortunate events.

B.A.P.F. Lives

Flogging Molly w/Street Dogs and The Briggs
Thursday, October 7, 2004; the State Theater, Detroit, Michigan. Attendee: Mike Wilson.

Going to a rock show by yourself is entirely different than solo moviegoing. The cinema is, after all, a solitary experience once the lights dim; shows are by their nature group activities. No man is an island, but since I regard myself as an isolated peninsula, I was not about to let my solitude stop the rock.

The only noteworthy thing about The Briggs is that their drummer had a massive and truly excellent Mohawk. The band was so innovative and anti-conformist that they made a point of highlighting their song about pirates. Wow, way to be original.

Streets Dogs (what, you chodes are too good for "The"?) were dressed like a low-rent Flogging Molly and sounded like a poor man's Dropkick Murphys, only terrible. My one piece of advice is this: if your best piece of stagecraft is to ask the crowd to rhythmically thrust their fists into the air and chant "Go!" during every single song, it might be time to reconsider the whole "being a band" thing.

Between Street Dogs and Molly, we were treated to a propaganda film featuring Will Ferrell as George W. Bush and hosted by an unidentified man wearing a T-shirt bearing W's face and the words "International Terrorist." Apparently, the whole concert was just a front for an anti-Bush (not pro-Kerry, anti-Bush) group called Punk Voter. Because punk rock is all about political indoctrination.

I missed the vast majority of Flogging Molly's set. Front man Dave King dedicated the second song to Michael Moore, and as soon as I heard those words I headed for the door. I'm a big fan of free speech, but I bought my ticket expecting a rock show, not a political rally. It will be a cold day in Hell before I ever see another Flogging Molly show. MW

The one thing I would like to add is that the disrespect they showed toward the audience was staggering. I feel used and taken advantage of, as if they couldn't have cared less whether or not they put on an entertaining show. Less Than Jake has very strong political views with which I almost entirely disagree, but their show is always for and about the kids; last night's Flogging Molly debacle was about the gratification of the band, and that's a side of rock 'n' roll I cannot and will not support. Farewell, Flogging Molly, you won't be missed.

H-A-N
Have a trippy night.

I've removed all six (including the one I bought before last night's debacle) of my Flogging Molly shirts from the T-shirt rotation. Well, at least now I've got some nicer shirts to mow in, and to wear while changing the Mousemobile's oil. I've removed Drunken Lullabies, Swagger, and Alive Behind the Green Door from my CD collection and will file them with the other undesirables, such as No Doubt's Rock Steady, Blink-182's Blink-182, and Stay Sick by The Cramps. Such a shame.

Within a Mile of Home is still available if anyone wants it. rebelblackdot@gmail.com

It's amazing what can happen in the space of a few hours. When I left the house at 6pm, Flogging Molly was one of my favorite bands in the whole world. Now, upon my return home, I despise them and will slit my wrists before I ever knowingly give them a single dime of my money.

If anyone wants a brand new, unopened copy of their latest album, Within a Mile of Home, I will sell you mine for $10. I'll even pay the postage. Email me at rebelblackdot@gmail.com and we'll set it up. If no one buys it, I'll just end up throwing it away, unopened and unheard.

Fear the Potshot! No, not really, don't be afraid of Potshot. I love Potshot. What's not to love about a Japanese ska band that sings in unintelligible English? Right now, I'm listening to "She is Cute" off their fourth (fifth? no, fourth) album, Potshot-A-Go-Go.

Tomorrow, Flogging Molly! Woo-fucking-hoo! Too bad I'm going by myself, but I am not going to miss Molly just because all my friends are lame. Woot!

Miracle of miracles (Miracle?), I've received another Newsletter submission from co-founder and erstwhile columnist and editor "Uncle Jerry" Alber. This is awesome! I intend my disbelief as no insult to Jerry, but for the longest time it was as if he had sailed over the edge of the world. And now two submissions from him in two weeks? That's better than the staff columnists do! Look forward to his first new column in the next issue (Vol. VII, No. 3), which should go out in Thursday's or Friday's mail. His second column (which sez some very nice thing about moi) probably won't be in the next issue, the unofficial "Election Issue," but in one of November's Newsletters. Again, woot!

Last night, after I talked to Dad to get the debate out of his system (during the debate, he was pacing around as if the fate of the free world hung in the balance), I watch Titus. It was the first exposure I've ever had to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and it was just fantastic. If you like Shakespeare, I urge you to see this film. If you don't like Shakepeare, well, you're just a Philistine; so, who cares what you think? It was violent and gory and the villains were jst evil for evil's sake, and I loved it. It was a weird interpretation, blending Roman politics with automobiles and shotguns, but it really, really worked. The best part? Probably Harry Lennix as Aaron the Moor, though it was also great to see Angus Macfadyen, best known as Braveheart's Robert the Bruce, as Lucius Andronicus. And of course, Sir Anthony Hopkins as the titular Titus Androniucs and the grand Jessica lange as the treacherous Tamora, Queen of Goths. No, not those Goths.

H-A-N
Have a cooooool night, y'dig?

"I had a quarter left over, Wilco. Buy yourself something nice."

Read this. It's... wow.

Vote For Kodos - Mano a Mano Undercard
Tonight, our scary Vice President versus the ambulance chaser from Carolina. Edwards is slicker than Slick Willy, but Cheney is more tenaciously arrogant than Rummy. Should be fun... and almost anything would be more fun than watching the President implode live on TV last Thursday. Oh, that was so disheartening. But tonight! No quarter shall be asked, no quarter shall be given! Time for a rhetorical bloodletting. Fun! Fun! Fun! And friday: Mano a Mano Round 2.

H-A-N
Have a Celtic night.
The surnames of my four grandparents at birth were Wilson, Gray, Little, and Phalan. Plenty o' Celtic there.

Sad But True
I won't be referring to my father as Darth Vater any longer; it's insulting to Darth Vader. No, from now on he'll be good ol' Meine Vater, fitting his present political persuasion. Today, he argued stenuously for the position that Michael Moore should be jailed on charges of treason. TREASON. Why, you ask? Because his most recent film, Fahrenheit 9/11 contains many factual inaccuracies, and, according to Meine vater, those inaccuracies constitute providing aid and comfort to the enemy in a time of war. Apparently, it was fine for extreme right-wing partisans to imply that Vince Foster's suicide in the early Clinton Adminstration was actually a murder, carried out on President Clinton's orders, because the country wasn't at war then. But because we're at war now, Moore ought to be locked away as a traitor. Oh. My. Bog.

I am a firm believer that we are, in fact at war, and that the War on Terror is a necessary a conflict as the Cold War. But, like the Cold War, the War on Terror will likely go on for decades. Is outrageous speech like Michael Moore's then to be considered treason for decades? Would it have been fine for him to produce a film (Fahrenheit 9/11 is not a documentary) as riddled with errors as Fahrenheit 9/11 before 9/11? If Michael Moore's speech is treasonous, won't a lot of conservatives have to be locked away the next time we have a liberal administration? Not surprisingly, he couldn't answer any of these questions. My father's always been an asshole, and I can accept that; after all, I'm an asshole, too. But I cannot remain silent as he expouses pure fascism. It is the duty of every patriotic American to despise fascism and fascists, and I hate my father for forgetting that.

An Elegant Weapon for a More Civilized Age
A New Hope
Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader = Darth Vader

The Empire Strikes Back
Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader / Darth Vader

Return of the Jedi
Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker
Darth Vader vs. Darth Sidious = Darth Vader

The Phantom Menace
Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul / Darth Maul
Qui-Gon Jinn vs. Darth Maul = Darth Maul
Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul = Obi-Wan Kenobi

Attack of the Clones
Anakin Skywalker vs. Darth Tyrannus / Darth Tyrannus
Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Tyrannus / Darth Tyrannus
Yoda vs. Darth Tyrannus / Yoda

Revenge of the Sith
Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Anakin Skywalker / Obi-Wan Kenobi
Anakin Skywalker vs. Darth Tyrannus? projected winner: Anakin Skywalker
Mace Windu vs. Anakin Skywalker? projected winner: Anakin Skywalker
others?

My neighborhood is across the street from a cemetary and masoleum, which is next door to a funeral home. About a mile to the east, down Hill Road, is another cemetary, and about a mile to the west is a larger funeral home. Thus, I think I see more funeral processions than the average bear. For no obvious reason, when I saw one this morning, I suddenly found myself contemplating my own funeral procession. I guess I arrived at that line of thinking because this morning's procession was rather short.

I wonder how many people will be at my funeral. More importantly, will they each drive separately, making my procession more impressive, or carpool, thus cheating my of my rightful glory? Seriously, were I to be killed in a car accident tomorrow, who would be at my funeral? My friends are scattered far and wide and few of them are earning fat bank. More to the point, my friends are the grandest assemblage of talent and creativity imaginable, but not terribly numerous. Even if they all dragged their parents, would there be twenty people there? Maybe add in a few family members and I can get to thirty. Hmmm, thirty people (optimistic estimate). Should I be grateful that so many would mourn my passing, or sad that they are so few?

Of course, the truly disheartening part is how few of them will still bother putting up with me when I die at sixty. By then, it'll be me, the priest, and a couple gravediggers. (Those bastards better not steal my jewelry! I've seen Garden State, I'm wise to their methods.) Woe is me.

This was ad hoc. Someday, I should sit down and write a much more comprehensive and meaningful post about death.

H-A-N
Have a calculated night.

The following statement is extremely dorky, even for me: Hal Jordan can go to Hell. Kyle Rayner is the only true Green Lantern.

Did a little housekeeping maintenance on the Mousemobile, including replacing an rubber elbow joint near the air filter and swapping out a bolt on the belt system. No more squealing! Woo hoo! The oil leak is slower than it has been in a long time, the power steering fluid leak has all but stopped, two new tires on the front, front end recently aligned, transmission overhauled this Spring, doors sealed up tighter than they have been in forever, and the front windshield leak has been fixed. The rust spots look great, as they always have; so, now all I need now is a wicked sound system and the Mousemobile we truly be the chick magnet we all know she always has been.

"Well he's a chick magnet
If you know what I mean,
All the girlies just go to him,
Well, ya, you should have seen.
Yeah he's got style and it's plain to see
Smoth shoes and cool tattoos,
Hair pomped as tight as can be."
--MxPx, "Chick Magnet" from Life in General

"Propelled through all this sadness
By your beauty and my madness,
I'll never change or rearrange
'Til I've finished what I've started."
--Flogging Molly, "Selfish Man" from Swagger

Vote For Kodos
For all my harsh criticism of Spain, New Zealand, and the colossal corruption and ineptitude at the United Nations, you all know that I care deeply about international events, and that I describe myself as an internationalist. For Bog's sake, I'm trying to get a job at the State Department! With that in mind, I have what I feel are legitimate questions about Senator Kerry's statement in Thursday's debate that before the United States acts, such action must pass a "global test." My main question is, what is that test? All year long, the Democrats have mockingly compared President George W. Bush's "Coalition of the Willing" to President George H.W. Bush's massive Gulf War coalition. The Gulf War coalition had an explicit UN mandate to liberate Kuwait and was so broad that it even included French forces, specifically the Foreign Legion. Even the collapsing Soviet Union did not object. If ever there was a moment when the whole world (except the Palestinians, who backed Saddam Hussein) spoke with one voice, it was the 1991 Gulf War, a.k.a. Operations DESERT SHIELD and DESERT STORM. If the Gulf War did not pass the "global test," nothing could.

So, why is it John Kerry voted AGAINST the Gulf War? Here is the legislation and here is Senator Kerry's "nay" vote.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Expecting the Northwestern-Ohio State game to be a non-event, I was unaware of how it was going until I decided to check the score and found the game in the early fourth quarter. To my surprise, Northwestern was winning. I watched the fourth quarter and the ensuing overtime with great joy. Glee even. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I suppose you can only win games by the skin of your teeth for so long before it catches up with you. Excellent... excellent....

University of Michigan Wolverines
"The" Ohio State University Buckeyes
Michigan State University Spartans
Purdue University Boilermakers
Indiana University Hoosiers
Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions
University of Illinois Fighting Illini
Northwestern Univesity Wildcats
University of Iowa Hawkeyes
University of Wisconsin Badgers
University of Minnesota Golden Gophers

H-A-N
Have a microscopic night.

This afternoon, I wielded an axe. That means today was a good day. I finally chopped up a bunch of wood that had been accumulating, pruned branches and an entire bush that had died along the back fence. Originally, I was using our electric chainsaw for the largest branches, but after a few cuts it began to make a disturbing whine. Not wanting anything to go wrong with a chain flailing around at a significant rate of speed, I switched to the big axe. Boy howdy, there's nothing else fulfilling in quite the same way as giving an axe a full, two-handed swing. Thwack! I'm Paul Bunyan!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
The third quarter of Michigan's game against Indiana was fun, but I still have grave concerns about how the offense will perform against quality opposition. But hell, might as well enjoy success when it comes. Woo hoo! Three victories in a row!

See, the Iowa team I dreaded playing was the team that showed up today against Michigan State, not the team we faced last weekend. And her, the beat the Spartans, which is almost always a good thing.

The only time I even halfway root for Michigan State is when they face Notre Dame. Good job today, Purdue. Oh, I am not looking forward to playing against Kyle Orton. In the Big House would be bad enough, but we have to go down to the Black Hole of Calcutta, where bad things happen to otherwise good teams.

H-A-N
Have a blurry night.

To Boldly Go
I understand the need for caution and safety, but for Pete's sake, when will the shuttle fleet be back in service? Hyperlink!

Happy Birthday!
Fifty-five years ago today, Mao Zedong told a massive crowd in Beijing that "China has stood up" after a century of imperial decline, Western predation, anarchic warlordism, and Japanese occupation. With those words, the People's Republic of China was founded. Today, China has the worlds largest population, at over 1,300,000,000*, and the world's third largest economy. The Chinese Communist Party jealously guards all political power, and, always mindful that political power flows from the barrel of a gun (Guster?), the absolute loyalty of the People's Liberation Army. happy birthday, you Red bastards, and here's to a bright (and one day democratic) future.

"Four three two one,
When at the barrel of a gun
Keep my head way down
Stay in I'll stay out.
Half dead half numb
She's enough to make me warm,
It's all so safe and sound."
--Guster, "Barrel of a Gun" from Lost and Gone Forever


*1,300,000,000 people. The equivalent of the entire population of the United States could die tomorrow and China would still have 1,000,000,000 people. ONE. BILLION. PEOPLE. Man, that's nuts.

Snapshot in Time
Guster, Keep It Together
Letters to Cleo, Go!
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Have a Ball
They Might Be Giants, Factory Showroom
MxPx, The Ever Passing Moment

On Thursday, Flogging Molly is going to rock the State Theatre in Detroit, and while there I'll pick up the new album Within a Mile of Home.

Cool!

H-A-N
Have a hit by an armored personnel carrier night.

Well, Shit
I've exhausted the bonus materials on the Star Wars Trilogy box set. I watched "Empire of Dreams," though due to the extreme length I did so in chunks. I even watched the video game previews. As with the bonus material to all old movies, I was horrified by the crummy trailers and commercials. Given the poor salesmanship of the day, it's a wonder anyone bought/saw anything at all. Of course, I just keep watching the Episode III sneak peek over and over and over again, and will probably do so until it's time to get in line for my opening day/midnight show tickets. My only wish is that my head doesn't explode until after the end credits; after that, I can die happy.

Spite Strikes Again
I am declaring the James Cameron prohibition against Peter Jackson: I will never see another new Peter Jackson movie. Ever. That means, I can watch movies he has directed up to the current day, but I will not see any movie released from now 'til Kingdom Come. As a further measure, I will never watch any of the three The Lord of the Rings films, either. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. I declare this prohibition because Peter Jackson is New Zealand's most famous son, because he loves New Zealand, and because I despise New Zealand. In 1985, New Zealand passed a law prohibiting nuclear weapons anywhere in New Zealand, and barring nuclear-powered ships from the islands' ports. This means that large percentages of the United States Navy's vessels are not welcome in New Zealand. No one dictates to the United States those ships we can and cannot have in our navy, you Kiwi sons of bitches. Furthermore, I am imposing upon NZ the same travel restrictions as on Spain, and I will do everything I can to avoid doing business with New Zealand firms or in any way contributing to New Zealand's economy.

Were it withing my power, I would reduce New Zealand to ashes, and leave her people to starvation and disease. I hate New Zealand, and I will never see another Peter Jackson movie.

On Pardon the Interruption, Kornheiser and Wilbon were debating possible names for the Montreal Expos now that they are moving to the District of Columbia. Their best suggestions:
Washington Grays*
Washington Nationals
Washington Senators**

*the Grays were one of the best teams in the old Negro Leagues, and if Washington isn't a black-majority city, it certainly has a substanial black plurality. The Grays is a sweet name.

**before the Texas Rangers were the Texas Rangers, they were the Washington Senators. On the other hand, the Washington Senators weren't the Cleveland Browns; so, I'm not sure it's necessary to keep the old name.

My two cents: Both Grays and Nationals would be good, though I think Grays is a better and more meaningful name.

Parker Posey Appreciation Day
In the coming months, look forward to Ms. Posey and the monsters. In early October, she stars in the USA Network movie Frankenstein, which is seen as a backdoor pilot that, if successful, might be spun into a full-fledged series. Later in the Fall, she's the single best reason to see Blade: Trinity. In the former, she's hunting the mad doctor and his infamous monster; in the latter, she's the head monster. Versatility, boys and girls, it's a great thing.

You all know that I'm no fan of baseball, but come on, there's no need to shoot at the players. Hyperlink!

Vote For Kodos - Mano a Mano
Tonight's the night, Bumbling Bush versus the American Cicero. Though my fellow GOPers have been hyping Senator Kerry's debating skills, I think it can fairly be said that the English language is not a friend of either of these men. Kerry would require seventy-four words to answer to question, "Do you love your wife and children?", whereas W. just can't speak. The man can't talk. And for the love of Bog, the word is NUCLEAR! Not "nuk-u-lar," nuclear! Gah! I have a bachelors degree in political science from the University of Michigan; so, I am required to care about the presidential debates. But really, are these three exchanges truly important? The President has been in office for three years eight months. What are you going to learn about him in a ninety minute debate that you haven't learned in the last three years eight months? Senator Kerry was the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination a full year ago, has been the presumptive Democratic nominee since March and the official Democratic nominee since July, and a United States Senator since January 3, 1985. What can you learn about him tonight, and in the other two debates, that has not already been said? But, though I don't like turkey, it just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without turkey. And it just wouldn't seem right to go through an election without a few of these farces. So, let the childish name-calling begin!

I'm not saying I favor Roman-style gladitorial combat, but wouldn't it be kind of neat if the candidates actually went mano a mano (which means "hand-to-hand," not "man-to-man")? I think Kerry, at 6'4" to W's 5'11", would have the advantage because of his longer reach, but on the other hand the president's overall health is in the top 2% of men his age. He might take a licking and keep on ticking. Hmmm, I'm sure somebody could create a realistic HAL model of Bush vs. Kerry pugilism. Shake hands, go to your corners, and when the bell rings, come out swinging.

H-A-N
Have a night squared.

"Victory for ZIM!"

THX 1138
American Graffiti
Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
Star wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

I wonder what George Lucas's next film will be after Revenge of the Sith? Boy howdy, I can't wait!

Honolulu Blue
Man, the Lions are totally going to kick the crap out of Bye Week! Bye Week doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell. Bye Week's got no offense, Bye Week's got no "D." I think it'll be all Lions from non-kickoff to non-last whistle. Lions 0, Bye Week 0. Woot!

And Now a Word From the Dark Bastard
To be perfectly honest, it doesn't really bother me that I'm a twenty-five year old virgin. I mean, were sex my primary goal, one would think I'd pursue it much more actively, and with girls for whom I feel nothing. What kills me is the reality that I'm never going to find the girl of my dreams. In my life, I've loved two girls, neither of whom loved me. It is difficult to imagine this ever changing. People say, "Oh don't worry, you'll find someone," but it's just talk. What the hell are they going to say? "Ha, jackass, you're going to die alone!" It is human nature to reassure, even when there is no reason to believe there is any hope at all. I suppose I could take my own advice, lifted from Babylon 5, and attempt to foster the hope that there is hope, but to be honest that seems rather foolish. The sort of lie you would tell a child. I guess all that's left now is to become (more) bitter, buy into the cliches, and denounce all love as a lie.

Well, at least it's a to do list.

Vote For Kodos
I was listening to The Diane Rehm Show this morning before class and on my drive to school. The guests were a Democratic pollster and a Republican pollster. If not an actual majority, it seemed as if the majority of the Democratic callers had questions about the draft and the scurrilous rumors that in a second Bush term, the draft will be reinstated. Are you guys really that pathetically desperate? So bereft of ideas that instead of debating policy you must resort to fearmongering about the draft? There are a lot of really smart people in the Democratic Party and a lot of really smart people who vote Democratic. If that's the best you guys can do... well, that's just sad.

Also, why it is 'Un-American" as The New York Times has said, for President Bush and Vice President Cheney to say that the country will be less safe from terrorists under a Kerry-Edwards Administration? Both Senators Kerry and Edwards say with regularity that the Iraq War has made us less safe. Why is one okay and the other "un-American"? Then again, this is the Times speaking, the home of Jayson Blair.

Sundries
I was driving today when I noticed that the car in front of me had a sticker in its rear window: "100% Pure Whoop Ass." Dude, you're driving a fucking Grand Am. 100% lame ass, maybe....

It is much easier taking out the garbage with the new runway-sized driveway. The problem with the old driveway was that it was incredibly uneven; no two slabs were on the same plane. This made it not just inconvenient, but actually somewhat difficult, to roll the garbage cans down to the street. (I know, I know, tough life, huh?) Now, it's like sliding them down a ramp. So easy. Thanks, ridiculously enormous driveway!

I took the Mousemobile to Mr. Front End for a front end alignment. It can't be a good sign that the guy behind the counter, Mark, knows me by name.

Hello, Kitty
After being nearly mute for a couple weeks, Sam appears to have recovered his voice. He's whining and meowing again, rather than just opening his mouth as if to whine, only to have no sound emerge. That was creepy; so, we're glad he's noisy again. Of late, he's also been demanding cheese, but then showing no interest in it when you try to feed him. He's a spoiled old cat, and we're very well trained.

H-A-N
Have a superpowered night. Very apropos since Wednesday is new comic book day, no?

"Real/simulated evil Lincoiln is baaack!"

Help John Kerry!
This is an open call for submissions to The Newsletter. In the late October issue, I will be writing a column expressing and explaining my support for President Bush and my intention to vote for him on Election Day. In the interest of a balance, because I feel I owe The Newsletter's audience the opportunity to hear from both sides, I would like to publish a column expressing and explaining support for Senator Kerry. Unfortunately, I cannot find a Kerry supporter. To be more specific, I know and have located many who intend to vote for Senator Kerry, but I cannot find one who will submit that support for publication.

And so, though there is heavy overlap with those I have already asked, I turn to you, you poor saps who read this inane blog, and ask for your help. Surely one of you believes that if I publish a column in support of W., it is in everyone's interest to present a column in support of Kerry. Please, explain in a maximum of 800 words why you intend to vote for John Kerry and why John Kerry shoudl be President of the United States. If you are unwilling to attach your name to this column, I am willing to publish it anonymously or under a pseudonym. Please help me present both sides.

My Bush column will not be a rebuttal of the theoretical Kerry column, it will be written in isolation; no one who submits to The Newsletter will be in any way taunted here on the Secret Base (thanks, Never Girl!); John Ashcroft's thugs will not take you away in the middle of the night, though Rummy's henchmen might...; you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain. Ask anyone who has ever submitted to The Newsletter, it's much more fun than it should be. Please help me present a balanced view of the upcoming election.

If interested or if you have any questions, email sonofthenewsletter@yahoo.com.

And no matter what you do, no matter what policial agenda you support, please vote on November 2. Unless you're a Democrat, for you guys the election is on November 3. *wink*

The Netflix Project
Thanks to an invitation and complimentary month of rentals from Daddy Dylweed, today I received my first batch of movies from Netflix. I have never signed up for Netflix for the very simple reason that I simply can't justify $22 a month for movie rentals; I just don't watch that many rented movies. For free though, I'll take it! I'll let you know how it turns out.

My Netlix Queue:
Hellboy - Saw it in theaters. Multiple times.
Walking Tall
Eurotrip
Matchstick Men
Not Another Teen Movie
Titus
Richard III
Henry V - Rented it years ago.
Much Ado About Nothing
The Limey - Rented it a couple years ago; Terrence Stamp is fucking awesome! Plus, Luis Guzman! Holy shit!
Sleepy Hollow - Saw it in theaters.
Run Lola Run

I know, an odd combination of formulaic-looking teen comedies and Shakespeare. What can I say? I'm a rotund man of erratic/eclectic tastes.

The Cloak's World
One of my favorite heroes (from amongst my creations) is the Green Machine. Mike Nordstrom has an alien computer lodged in his brain, which he calls the Green Meanie; together they are the Green Machine. The Meanie is the sophisticated artificial intelligence at the heart of an advanced piece of Martian military hardware, a cutting edge Deimos-type Planetary Annihilator. The Meanie might be from another dimension, or maybe a remnant of our Mars... which was sent into another dimension by the Pax... er, something. I have a lot of ideas to sort out/discard. In any event, within the Meanie are a number of sub-artificial intelligences, one of which, Defensive Combat Protocol A.13, acts as a sort of sidekick, known as The Martian. In my beloved tradition of men falling in love with things that aren't quite girls, The Martian has a female persona, which Mike Nordstrom has nicknamed "Marvin."

In his own words: "I'm in love with a girl named Marvin. And she isn't even a girl!"

In the same vein, the White Cross is in love with the bioengineered warrior Nautilus. I mean, Nautilus is a lifeform, she's just an artifical construct of the Aquans, not a traditional biological being.

Today, I wore my MxPx "Left Coast Punk" T-shirt, blue jeans, and my All-Stars. These are three of my favourite things. I love it when it becomes jeans weather.

Why don't I have anyting to say? I always have something to say, but now? Nothing. What the hell is going on?

H-A-N
Have a night going to pieces.

H-A-N
Have a Gladys Knight.

Have a Jack Knight? Have a Bobby Knight?

"Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by,
That here, obedient to their laws, we lie."

Vote For Kodos
Miracle of miracles, my mom actually expressed an opinion about a matter of policy! I love my mom to death (she's my mom), but it is nearly impossible to have a political discussion with her. Not because she isn't interested in politics, she is (not as much as my dad or me, but she's still an interested and dedicated voter), but because she hates to discuss policies or facts, instead preferring generalizations and emotions. But as we were eating brunch this morning, Meet the Press was on in the background, and during a commercial break, a Kerry campaign ad enunciated the virtues of Senator Kerry's four-point Iraq strategy. The first point was to garner greater support and aid from our allies (primarily in Western Europe). To my astonishment, my dear mother scoffed. Scoffed! She opined that it is ridiculous to expect that the French or Germans will commit troops to help stabilize Iraq under any circumstances, and that Mr. Kerry is guilty of foolishness of the highest order if he thinks President Chirac or Chancellor Schroeder will aid our cause in Iraq simply because he is president. I was shocked. This is my thinking exactly, and it is very rare that my mother and I agree on a matter of foreign policy (or domestic policy, for that matter). Nevertheless, she still intends to vote for Senator Kerry, and I still intend to vote for President Bush.

W '04, boys and girls, W '04.

Go Honolulu Blue
I love the Detroit Lions. Not as much as I love the Michigan Wolverines (football), but more even than I love the Detroit Red Wings. The Marty Mornhinweig era was painful for me. So it is with great joy that I have greeted the improvements under Steve Mariucci. And though there have been great strides made towards respectability and, perhaps, playoff contention, we must face the reality that unless the Lions play a flawless game, it will be nearly impossible to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles. As I write this, there are approximately twelve minuts left in the fourth quarter and the Lions trail the Eagles 27-7. It is highly unlikely that my boys will prevail.

And so, tomorrow I will wear my Detroit Lions T-shirt. This Fall, Neutral Man has been following the Lions and asking himself, because they finished 2-14, 2-13, and 5-11 the past three seasons and began this year 2-0, if he is a fair weather fan. With that nugget (salmon?) of doubt in mind, I thought about wearing my Lion shirt after the Chicago or Houston games, but elected to wait until the Lions' first defeat to show my support. Because I cheered for a 2-14 team, I know that I am a true fan; now that the Lions are greatly improved and the future much brighter, it is more important than ever to stand by the team in the dark moments. And so, if the Lions lose today, I will publicly show my support for them tomorrow. To misappropriate a phrase from Thomas Paine, I am no summer soldier, no sunshine patriot.

The Cloak's World
One of the heroes of whom I am most fond, but about whom I know the least, is Sean Pepperdine a.k.a. Spartan. He wears on his chest the Spartan lambda, he believes in loyalty above all, but that is not to say he supports the hoplite-helot divide that was at the center of Spartan society.

Vote For Kodos - History is Fun!
It's four in the morning, I can't sleep, and I'm watching one of the presidential debates from 1984. Fritz Mondale pronounces the word nuclear the same way W. does, "nuk-u-ler." What in Bog's name is so hard about nuclear? Nu-clear. Sheesh!

Also, Reagan laid the smackdown on Fritz, "The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan didn't happen on our watch... Iran didn't happen on our watch." Hee hee. God bless ya, Gipper, rest in peace.

Call me lazy (and I'm the first to admit I am), but I detest doing yard work within an hour of waking up. I always have. I need more time to wake up, or it ruins the whole day. I've now been up half an hour, and Darth Vater already expects me to be hacking away at a bush. *grumble grumble* *rassum frassum*

I was driving this evening when I passed by the local Home Despot, or as the sign on the front of the building announced, TH HOM DEPO. Does anyone else find it humorus that a home improvement store would have such difficulty with light bulbs?

Hello, Kitty
"Time is the fire in which we burn." With no choice but to get used to Sammy's diminished capacity, I'm getting used to Sammy's diminished capacity. I try not to let it bother me when his legs almost give out under him, since it happens nearly every time he moves. He stumbles, but he doesn't fall. He spins around sometimes, when his rear legs are particularly weak, which is (I'm a bad, bad person) kind of amusing. And he doesn't curl up as often as he used to, leading to the very odd sight of Sam, who is a very long cat, all stretched out in the middle of the family room. But, that might just be because it isn't yet chilly.

Vote For Kodos
Mrs. Teresa Heinz Kerry said the other day that she believes Osama bin Laden will be captured shortly before Election Day, to the political advantage of the president. Maybe I missed something, but wouldn't the capture of bin Laden be a good thing? Not for President Bush, or Senator Kerry, but for the whole world? Wouldn't it be a good thing if Osama bin Laden was captured tomorrow? Or right before Election Day? Or right after the election? Or just before the New Year? Does anyone honestly believe that were the capture of bin Laden imminent, the Bush Administration would hold off actually nabbing him for political advantage? Oh, that Mrs. Kerry, she's priceless.

Watching C-SPAN earlier in the week, the National Journal's Hotline electoral scoreboard, compiled using polling data from around the country, estimated the current electoral totals as Bush 294, Kerry 181, with 63 tied/up for grabs. If those numnbers hold, even if all the undecided states go for the Democratic challenger, President Bush will be reelected 294 electoral votes to 244. There are five weeks to go, and we have not yet had the debates, but given that the president had been trailing in most polls for a large portion of the past year, this is encouraging news for an evil, evil, evil Republican like myself.

H-A-N
Have an uplifting night.

Victory for ZIM!

I had a very weird dream this morning. I was in some kind of boarding school, and a Finnish princess (Finland is a republic, not a monarchy, by the way) told me she was in love with me. I told her that we should at least go on a date before we decide if we're in love, but she was certain she was in love with me. The next moment, with no preamble, I was driving an Aston-Martin Vanquish. Because it's a British car, I was sitting on the right side of the car. Instead of a steering wheel, there was a yoke, like on a large commercial aeroplane, and it was mounted precisely in between the two front seats. Skeeter was sitting in the left hand seat, and as I was driving at an unsafe speed, she reminded me that the car is a stick-shift and that I don't know how to drive a stick-shift. Promptly, I burned out the transmission and we came to a complete stop. That's when I woke up. Whatever happened to the Finnish princess?

The League of Nations
Robert Mugabe, the de facto dictator of Zimbabwe, spoke before the UN General Assembly today and criticized the invasion of Iraq. Given that Mugabe is president-for-life in all but name, that the last several elections in Zimbabwe have been blatantly rigged, and that his reverse-Apartheid program has changed Zimbabwe from the breadbasket of Africa into a net-importer of food, I would call his condemnation a ringing endorsement of American policy. If Mugabe's against it, it must be a good idea. Once again, Kofi Annan has been relatively silent on the plight of Zimbabwe, as Mugabe's thugs kick white farmers off their land and beat and kill any blacks who stand up for the white landowners. Once again, the moral authority of the United Nations in action.

Why in Bog's name hasn't President Bush called for Annan's resignation? I anyone can honestly defend his record as Secretary-General, please speak up in the comments section. There may be positive actions that I am overlooking, though it seems unlikely.

H-A-N
Have a clean night.

"Doomsday device, you say? Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I can part with one and still be feared."

Ye Olde Melting Pot
Did anyone else see the footage of Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R, Colorado) on the floor of the Senate in the full ceremonial garb of his tribe on the floor of the Senate? I thought it was fantastic. It's not that I'm an huge fan of Indian culture; personally, I believe the reservation system should be phased out of existence. My blood is English, by religion I am a Roman Catholic. One of my best friends is half-Korean/half-European mutt, and a Lutheran. I have friends who are atheists, Hindus, and Jews. Friends who are German, Slavic, Italian. Because it doesn't matter where our ancestors came from, we are all Americans! The reservation system serves no purpose but to keep Indians separate from the rest of American culture, and as a side effect it keeps Indians disproportionately poor. In any event, I was glad to see Sen. Campbell in the clothing of his grandfather, because it served as a powerful reminder to our xenophobic European friends that the United States is the multicultural world they only pretend to be. I am tired of ignorant European college kids calling America a racist nation, when the only diversity their lily-white asses have ever seen is their equally lily-white friend in the corner with pretentions of being a neo-Trotskyist.

I'm touchy today because I was having a conversation with a friend about the tendency of many minorities to self-segregate into homogenous groupings (she's ethnically Chinese, her parents are from Taiwan, and she hates that Chinese kids all band together), when this pissant kid, as lily-white as me, breezes by and sneers, "Easy for you to say, you're white." In a perfect world, it would be acceptable for me to have beaten him to within an inch of his life for not-so-subtly implying that I am a racist. Alas, ours is not a perfect world and as soon as he sneered his little remark, he disappeared into a classroom.

Being The Last Angry Man
I pay homage to spite, and embrace it as one of the central pillars of the code by which I live my life. As such, I brook no dissent, and a gesture with no practical value I have no tolerance for those who would insult Star Wars. Thought I enjoy the NPR show Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!, several years ago the host, Peter Sagal, remarked that he felt George Lucas owed him a refund for the price of his ticket to Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, and if I ever meet Mr. Sagal, I shall make a point of conspicuously refusing to shake his hand. I very much enjoy Invincible, a comic book written by Robert Kirkman and drawn by Ryan Ottley. However, in the latest issue, No. 15, the main character, Invincible, called The Phantom Menace "crappy." I am being entirely honest when I tell you that I am now seriously considering dropping Invincible from my pulls, i.e. not reading it anymore. NPR is free, except for my tax dollars I don't pay a dime to support Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! But each issue of Invincible costs two bucks, and I'm really not sure I want my Washingtons going to support a Star Wars hater. There is a far better than even chance I have read my last issue of Invincible. Spite!

Dark Lord of the Seth
It has been brought to my attention by my friend and old Gargoyle chum Dr. Seth that on Sunday, I mistitled Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith as Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Seth. Best. Typo. Ever. And make no mistake, the Dark Side of the Force is strong in young Seth, the Dark Side and Hee-Haw.

The Gargoyle, for you poor, deprived souls who may not know, is the University of Michigan's official campus humor magazine, founded way back in 1909. Largely due to the fact that The Gargoyle was only available for purchase, whereas other campus humor rags were free, our circulation was very small and we were not as well known as the poor man's version/rip-off of The Onion, The Michigan Every Three Weekly (the name was a play on the school paper, The Michigan Daily). Nevertheless, the staff of the Gargoyle was where I met Neutral Man, and during my three years with the organization, as a writer and eventually lathargic Business Manager, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We weren't widely read, but we had a damn good time. The F.R.A.T. Party was originally launched as a promotional stunt for The Gargoyle, until it all went terribly wrong as I was actually elected to the Michigan Student Assembly (the incredibly self-possessed student council).

Democracy: it's all fun and games until someone get elected.

Found Objects
Because I'm too lazy to actually think up interesting content, I now present the CDs that are sitting next to my HAL.

The Peacocks, It's Time For The Peacocks
The Nijas, Platypus
Mu330, Chumps on Parade
Mu330, Crab Rangoon
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Are a Drag

H-A-N
Have a cozy night.

The League of Nations
This afternoon, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan equated the abuse of prisoners at the Abu Ghraib facility with the beheading of civilian hostages. There is no moral equivalence between these two vastly disparate types of acts. Of course, one should not be surprised that Annan cannot differentiate apples from oranges. At the same time that the UN Security Council is contemplating action against Sudan for supporting genocide in Darfur, the Sudan is a member of the Human Rights Commission. The UN sees no contradiction between perpetrating genocide and sitting as a member of the body that declares when genocide has occured? How can the Secretary-General not see the ridiculousness inherent in this situation? Sudan both SITS ON THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION and IS ACTIVELY COMMITTING GENOCIDE. The "moral authority" of the United Nations in action, folks.

I remain deeply, deeply disappointed in President Bush and his entire administration that they have not called for Secretary-General Annan's resignation. At the same time Annan allows Sudan to pass judgment on human rights abuses, he feels it necessary to slander the United States. If the world's sole superpower and the UN's principle funder is a criminal nation, how can the United Nations continue to work with American officials and accept America's money? I'm upset that no one seems to care that we've been called criminals, and I'm upset that a president in whom I have so much faith feels it unnecessary to respond to such scurrilous accusations.

Vote For Kodos
The best news organization in America is C-SPAN. Fox News obviously has a conservative bias, but that does not mean it does not provide much useful factual information. Dan Rather obviously has a liberal bias, but that does not mean CBS News does not provide much useful factual information. But with C-SPAN, there is no bias. I mean, how can a camera be biased (unless you're fat)? C-SPAN provides the best news imaginable, because all it provides is news. No commentary, just the actual video of what happened. Man, C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2 are fantastic. Why is this post an installment of "Vote For Kodos"? Because in this acrimonious election season, the news is even more important than usual.

My next Newsletter column is all about the state of modern journalism, and I do not intend to be kind. C-SPAN, though, shall be spared my rhetorical wrath.

Go Honolulu Blue!
The Detroit Lions are 2-0. In the entire 2001 season, the Lions only won two games, and now they have done it in just two weeks! This is fantastic! Too fantastic, in fact, to last. It is only a matter of time before the Lions lose a game; after all, they aren't the 1972 Dolphins. But after the suffering of the last three years (2-14, 3-13, 5-11), I think we have all earned a few moments of celebratory smugness. Woo hoo, the Lions kick ass! "In your face, space coyote!"

I finished Thomas P.M. Barnett's The Pentagon's New Map this evening. I urge each of you to read it, as it demonstrates how truly close we are to the long-held dream of world peace. Though I had planned to move on to Tobias Wolff and Douglas Adams, I feel the urge to stay on this non-fiction kick; so, I think I'll begin Stephen F. Hayes's The Connection before I hit the sack. Sweet fancy Moses, books rule!

Darth Vater wants me to read Unfit For Command, but I feel that if I were to read a book that blatantly partisan, I would also have to read something like Maureen Dowd's nigh-fictional Bushworld. And I grow physically ill whenever I read anything by the atrocious Maureen Dowd.

The Newsletter
We have actually received a submission from co-founder Uncle Jerry. Be advised, Hell has actually frozen over, which may or may not have an impact on global atmospheric conditions.

H-A-N
Have a cruising night. I hate the Woodward Dream Cruise.